Yuletide message

If the fact of the matter is your children are ungrateful and not the most well behaved children.  Yet you can not bring yourself to refuse to buy them gifts for Christmas, I think you should buy them swim suits and pool toys.  After they open all the summer fun (wrapped in Christmas cheer) you should remind them that Santa is always watching and knows exactly how they have conducted themselves.  While it is true they haven't been completely horrid, they came very close but did not make Santa's naughty list.  He thought they deserved to think about their actions before being able to enjoy their gifts.  Then spend the rest of the day singing 'He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've be bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.'

Cat lady

While washing my hands in a public restroom I happened to look over at a lady standing at the sink looking at herself in the mirror.  She leaned closer to the mirror to look at her hair, clicked her tongue, licked the palms of each hand, smoother back her hair, rinsed her hands wiped them and left.  I was puzzled as to why her saliva was a better option than the water the sink had to offer.  I know this ultimately doesn't mean anything and is merely my own personal irrational conclusion, but she was wearing a long denim skirt, a red sweatshirt with kittens on it, and had her hair pulled back into a bun.  So I am pretty sure she probably has a few dozen cats at home.  

Latrine laviere

My friend Stacey always has a smile on her pretty face, and something witty yet sarcastic to say, she is truly amazing.  One weekend she invited me to join her and her two beautiful daughters on their out of town girls weekend fun trip.  Full of shopping complete with a stay at a nice hotel that had a pool and game room.  We checked in, put our bags in our room, then headed back out to go to dinner at Hard Rock Cafe.  We stopped to look around the nicely decorated and rather large lobby.  We saw bathrooms in the back corner and thought it would be a good idea to stop there before our journey began.  I was the last one out and remembered there were not that many people in the lobby.  In an effort to make Stacey laugh I grabbed one of the thin toilet seat liners from the box and gently placed it around my neck with the little flap facing forward.  I emerged from the bathroom, they were waiting for me right outside the door, I said, 'Wow this hotel is really nice they even give us these super cool necklaces just for using the bathroom!'  Stacey and her daughters immediately break into laughter.  A man comes round the corner to use the men's room, this surprises all of us, I reach up to rip off the flimsy liner.  All of the sudden this once flimsy liner now seems to be made of industrial no rip paper because I could not get it off.  Embarrassed getting close to panic I reach up with my other hand an start clawing and pulling at the paper, at this point the paper is ripping in sections and clinging to me for dear life.  Stacey and daughters are laughing hysterically, the man looked at me in disbelief, started laughing, and walked into the men's room.  It wasn't until after my face was hot and red from embarrassment, was I able to get out of my self made noose.

Bernie's Holiday Ha-Ha-Ha

Bernie came home from her company Holiday Party with the greatest iPhone accessorie I have ever seen!  It is the hand held part of the older model home telephone.  The handle is U-shaped, has the old school long curly cord, and is bright red.  It looks exactly like the red phone Batman used to answer every time the Commissioner called. We went to the mall knowing it would be packed with holiday shoppers, to publicly try out her fun new toy.  She plugged the accessorie into her phone and put it into her purse, luckily Bernie carries a rather large purse, so she could easily carry and conceal her fun new toy with her.  We went to Starbucks to sit and enjoy a treat, pleased to see there were quite a few people there as well.  We sat at a table in the middle of the busy area, I waited a moment while keeping my phone out of sight then called Bernie's cell phone.  Bernie being a genius, thought ahead to change her ring tone to a very loud and annoying ringing sound, she pretended to fumble through her large purse for a moment as if she couldn't find her phone.  She then said, 'OH HERE IT IS!' and pulls out the large bright red receiver with long cord trailing back into her purse, casually holds it up to her head and says, 'Hello?' At this point I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to fall out of my chair.  The people around us began watching her as soon as they heard the annoying ring tone so they were already laughing as well.  We had people from two tables come over to us to high-five her, and another came to ask where they could find the super fun toy for themselves.    

Ice cream offer you can't refuse

While visiting my friend Phoebe, we tried to figure out what to have for dinner that night.  She asked her beautiful young daughter what she was in the mood for, her daughter excitedly requested Baskin Robbins.  Phoebe told her that we can not have ice cream for dinner, and her little beauty huffed out of the room.  After the child left I quietly told Phoebe ice cream wasn't that bad of an idea.  She laughed and said, 'I know, if she would have said Dairy Queen we all would be in the car by now.'  We both laughed and continued chatting.  Phoebe's daughter came back into the room with a newly created drawing.  It was a drawing of Phoebe, me, and the beauty herself.  She drew a X over Phoebe and told her that when she gives her some ice cream she can then be back in her family, and proudly left the room.  We laughed hysterically at her masterpiece.  Phoebe said, 'When did they start showing The Godfather on cartoon network?' 

Potty prisoner

While at work using the restroom, I happened to be the only person in there at that moment.  The cleaning lady came in pushing her very large and heavy cart.  She must have forgotten something because I heard her leave the restroom and go into their storage closet located right next to the restroom.  I didn't realize she pushed and stopped her cart directly in front of the stall I was using.  I realized this when I tried to open the door and it opened only a few inches revealing the cart.  I tried pushing harder and harder but the cart would not budge.  I stood there for a moment and reassured myself, thinking she will surely be back in a moment and will move the cart.  Then I heard the sound of the building's fire alarm system.  I thought to myself 'ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!'  I wondered if this was simply a drill or if the building was really on fire.  I stood there longer than I would like to admit, trying to figure out which scenario was worse.  Being heard screaming for help from the bathroom, or getting into trouble for not being accounted for in a fire drill.  It is funny how I never, at any point, considered the repercussion of being trapped in a possibly burning building.  Luckily my thought process was interrupted by the same cleaning lady.  That poor lady, I think I scared her a bit because as soon as she moved the cart I popped out of that stall pretty quickly. 

Spooky spoof

One day Lexi, Johnny, Monica and I decided to visit our friend Autumn at her workplace.  While we were there her ex-boyfriend came to visit as well.  None of us particularly enjoyed his company, so we chose to torture him.  Autumn told me that he is very afraid of ghosts, I passed this newly useful information to Lexi, Johnny, and Monica and the fun began.  We started telling him all these random 'true' stories about how Autumn's workplace is haunted.  At first he wasn't buying what we were selling, but eventually he did appear a bit uneasy.  We made up a story about a ghost that leaves a hand print on your back windshield then kills you at some point on while you are driving so it looks like an accident.  I saw a candle in the office and told him one ghost in particular communicates via fire.  We lit the candle and began speaking into it.  We had him so tense and focused entirely on the dancing flame, he didn't notice one little bit when Lexi very slowly and quietly tip-toed out of the room, and out to the parking lot.  Luckily for us it was raining off and on that day, so the cars had water all over them.  Lexi put her hand print on his back windshield right in the middle, so he'd see it right away, she snuck back into the room just as quietly and unnoticed.  Finally, he became very afraid and anxious to leave.   We casually said goodbye, the next thing we knew he came running back into the building shaking, almost in tears, frantically telling us there is a hand on his back window.  We then began pretending HE was trying to scare US and we told him 'nice try' and 'yeah sure'.  Autumn, being the nicest one in the group finally told him it was all a joke.  He was terrified and furious, and we enjoyed every minute of it. 

Paradise Perception

Last year my BFF Lexi and I went to Hawaii for 10 days.  We were super excited, as this was our first time ever going to Hawaii.  I was pleasently surprised over and over again.  While on the beautiful island paradise I made many observations and mental notes.  I did also notice that there were a very very large amount of Japanese people everywhere.  I had never in my life seen so many Japanese people at one given time.  I leaned over to Lexi and whispered (unfortunately a little louder than I meant to) 'There sure are a lot of Japanese people here, are they filming The Grude 3 or something?'  She giggled a little before she caught herself, pursed her lips together, and gave my arm a pinch.

Pediasure Ponder

My sister gave one of my nephews a Pediasure.  After he finished it he asked for another one, she obliged.  After finishing the second Pediasure, he asked her for another.  She told him he may not have a third and he is welcome to water or milk.  He demanded the Pediasure informing my sister that it is good for him because is has vitamins.  My sister told him too many vitamins are not good for his little body.  My nephew stood there thinking for a minute and said, 'If I have too many vitamins will I look like Michael Jackson?'    

Iron clad immune system

I am convinced my 3 year old nephew has the worlds greatest immune system.  One day we were relaxing in the pool house.  It rained the day before so things were still pretty damp all around the patio area.  My sister and I just happened to come out of the pool house in time to see my nephew hoist himself up on his tip toes and in one long disgusting slurp suck all the water that accumulated in the handle of the garbage can! EEWWW!  On another occasion, my sister was washing her SUV while 3 of my nephews played in the yard.  One of them called me to watch how high he can climb one of the trees.  As I walked down the driveway, past my sisters SUV I saw the 3 year old laying on his back with his mouth wide open just like a little baby bird catching the water as it fell from the vehicle and even better the tailpipe.  BLUK!  So yeah, if this kid ever gets sick, it will be news to me! 

Pretty girl

We all have those moments when we say something that by no means is the smartest thing we have ever said.  One day while driving my cousin said, 'Geez that is so stupid!' I said, 'What?'  She said, 'Why in the world would anyone name a bank BLOOD?'   All I could do was look over at her and say, 'It is a very good thing you are so pretty.'  I then very clearly and slowly explained to her that you deposit blood into a blood bank and currencey into the type of bank she had in mind.  I also made sure I told the entire family when we got back home, it wouldn't be fair unless we all got to harrass her!

Holy Heathens

Back in our junior high days Autumn, Phoebe, and I, like most other kids our age were forced to go to church about 3 times a week.  Saturday nights there were usually Lock-Ins at our church.  This is similar to Sunday school plus games but all night and over night.  This was by no means our first Lock In, we agreed to bring flashlights to play with during lights out.  Lights out finally came and so did our flashlights!  About 20 minutes into our flashlight battle, all of the sudden the overhead lights came on, and quickly through the door came 2 of our Confirmation school teachers, 2 police officers, and PASTOR!  We stood there frozen with fear evidence in hand.  The officers saw the lights and thought the church was being robbed, they took a look around and asked us a few questions before leaving.  Pastor talked to us for a LONG time before letting us go back to bed.  Needless to say WE were chosen for alter duty the next morning.  We three stood up there exhausted and trembling trying to hold that huge Bible and candles.

Family game night

Family game night is one of my all time favorite nights!  We are extremely competitive and laugh the entire night. My favorite game is Scattergories, if you are not familiar with the premise of this game - everyone gets identical lists, you roll the die to select 1 letter everything on the list must begin with the designated letter, set the timer, and try to complete the list before time runs out.  The challenge is writing down something no one else in the room writes down.  Being a very close family that spends a lot of time together, results in many like minds.  On occasion, and more often than we would like to admit, the answers to the list are not quite what the makers of the game had in mind. 

Here are some examples of our nonsensical answers:
LIST          LETTER          SILLY ANSWER
A desert                 G             Gello    (not Jello she actually wrote Gello)
Foreign city            F              Frankfort, IL    (not Germany but Illinois)
Something metal     L              Lead     (umm, Lead is made of LEAD)
In the sky               J               Juniper     (not Jupiter - yes folks Juniper)
Famous person      C              Telly Savalas   (no comment)
Name a state         P               Phoenix    (we went to public school)
Street name           J                June bug   (no, not GANG name - sigh)

I am pretty sure alcohol consumption plays a large role in all of these answers, but they are all hilarious! 

Lost and found

When we were small children my parents used to occasionally take us to the zoo.  I loved it!  I particularly loved the lions, they were by far my favorite.  I also love any type of moving water.  I used to beg my parents to allow us to spend extended periods of time at the huge water fountain so I could watch the water flowing in various directions.  One trip we were at the water fountain, my parents were ready to move on to look at something else.  I remember my parents telling me a few times it was time to go, however I was mesmerized and didn't follow them as they walked away.  Once they realized I was gone, they recruited the help of the zoo security.  My Mom described what I was wearing and how I looked 'She has a very light brown complexion and long dark brown hair.'  While my Dad  ran around the zoo looking for me.  My Dad saw a Mexican woman with about 8 small children following her and realized I was one of those small children.  I guess I figured 'Hey we all look alike so I should go with them.'  He ran up to the group and picked me up.  The Mexican woman began yelling at him and demanding he leave me alone.  My Dad explained to her I belonged to him.  The woman took a closer look at me, saw I look exactly like him.  She counted her children, and realized she had one child too many.  She apologized and told my Dad she thinks must have pulled me in with her group at the water fountain.  I remember later that night my parents giving me a very serious talk about Stranger Danger.  

Excellent customer service

At one of my previous jobs, before the store opened we would all huddle together at the front of the store and our boss would give us these little speeches about providing excellent customer service.  He had us repeating motivational chants and various little high five activities.  We all found it to be more entertaining than actually inspiring.  One day he walked up to our huddle and said, 'Good morning everyone! Are you all ready to provide excellent customer service? Kimberly, do YOU have your excellent customer service hat on today?'  I smiled and said 'My excellent customer service hat messes up my hair.  Do you have an excellent customer service pin or something?'  As my coworkers laughed, he looked surprised and couldn't help but to laugh himself. 

Dad's teaching tactics

When it was time for me to learn to ride a bike my Dad, who just happens to be the all time greatest Dad in the whole world, took me out to teach me.  After a few tries I had it the basic hang of it.  I would ride down the street in pure confidence and bliss while my Dad ran along beside me holding the back of my seat.  He would let go of the seat and I continued riding along, but as soon as I noticed he wasnt holding on any longer BOOM!  We went over this again and again, over and over.  I knew he was getting frustrated but I held my ground as well.  We continued this viscous cycle a few more times, until my dad said 'Wait here, I will be right back.'  He then went into the house, minutes later I saw him come out of the house with the belt in his hand.  I jumped on my bike and took off riding down the street.

Fancy feet

I go straight from work to my exercise class.  As a time saver, I pack my gym bag the night before.  While walking out the door to go to work I realize I forgot to pack my gym shoes.  I think 'Todays exercise class is belly dancing and we are barefoot so its ok' and I continue on my way.  Once my exercise class is over I quickly realize that I have to leave wearing a T-shirt, gym shorts, and dark brown dress socks and dress shoes.  I looked like every old man at every picnic you have ever been to.  I laughed at my reflection in the mirror, did my best James Brown dance imitation, and tried to discreetly leave the facility.

A speech & a side show

In our college days my friend Phoebe and I used to go talk to high school kids and tell them the importance of maintaining good grades and going to college.  I typically spoke about the importance of staying focused, not allowing yourself to accept negative influences.  Phoebe spoke about how to register, select classes, and what one can expect while actually in college.  We usually spoke to teens that seemed to be going down a troubled path.  Except for this one time we actually were assigned a bunch of honor students that couldn't wait to get to college.  We knew this lecture was going to be very easy and laid back.  My lecture went very well, I had so much fun talking to and laughing with the kids.  It is now Phoebe's turn, I remain at the front of the classroom but move out of her path of vision.  While she is speaking I pretend to sign what she is saying to the kids.  However this was me standing up there doing the Macarena, YMCA, & pretending I was a Mime.  The kids were roaring with laughter, and every time Phoebe turned to look at me I would immediately stop and pretend to stand quietly. It didn't take very long at all for Phoebe to realize exactly what was going on.  Luckily she has the greatest personality and is a very good sport.

You can almost SEE the fear

On a recent trip to the eye doctor, I signed in at the desk and was told to go to the waiting area until they call my name.  The waiting area is L shaped,  I see about 12 people in the front and only 6 people in the back.  I walk down to where there were less people and take a seat.  In an attempt to avoid boredom I take out my phone and try to get on Facebook but it wouldn't connect.  I then try Twitter, I quickly found it to be boring.  I play Bejeweled 3, but I just wasn't feeling it, oh nevermind I will just sit here.  Eventually I look at the person sitting in front of me and notice she has big black eyes.  I thought 'What the heck is going on with her?'  I look at another person and see the same big black eyes.  At this point fear is quickly rising in my tummy while I casually check the status of everyones eyes.  After confirming everyone in this section is obviously a zombie, I try to plan my escape.  I have to get out of here before one of them hurries over to me and starts eating away at my leg.  I seriously don't have time to become a zombie.  I have to go to work tomorrow, I don't feel like spending my whole weekend in zombie training - this is ridiculous!  Right before my fear turned into panic the woman at the desk calls out my name.  I very quickly and a little too loudly answer 'YES!' and I jump up and almost run to the desk.  On my way to the desk I think 'It is very reckless and dangerous for this office to not clearly mark the zombie section - I should say something.'  It isn't until then that I realize I was in the section for patients that had their eyes dilated and are waiting to go back in to see the doctor.  I could only giggle at myself.

Her bite is worse than her bark

Standing second in line at the checkout, I observe the lady in front of me being very mean to the cashier.  The lady was yelling at the young cashier and the manager called in to resolve the problem.  In addition to a very large and loud mouth, I noticed the lady had a very unfortunate dental situation going on.  By the time the lady walked away the poor little cashier looked like she was ready to cry.  The manager briefly consoled the cashier, I stepped up, in an attempt to cheer up the cashier said, 'Hi, don't worry about anything she said.  She is just mad because she can't get her dentist to return any of her calls.  Her teeth look like they are fighting for position!' They both laughed and the cashier appeared a bit more at ease.

Tooth fairy trouble

My two year old nephew is a bit of a 'Storyteller' (it must run the in the family).  One morning he woke up, made it his top priority to locate me.  Walked directly up to me and said,
Nephew:  'Titi my tooth fell out.'
Me:  'It did? Which tooth?'
Nephew:  'This one' (pointing to one of the teeth still in his mouth)
Me:  'That tooth, still in your mouth fell out?'
Nephew: 'Yeah'
Me:  'Well the tooth fairy sure has her work cut out for her when she comes to get that tooth!'
He cutely smiles up at me and said, 'Yep.'  

Sleepy sibling rivalry

He who holds the TV remote holds all the power (this is a well known fact) late one night my brother and I were in the family room and I had the remote.  My never ending desire to torture my brother made me turn the TV to Home Shopping Network, Antiques Road Show, and other channels I knew he wouldn't like. 
Brother:  'Turn to something good, I know you are doing this on purpose.'
Me:  'What? This is my favorite show!'
Brother:  'Stop playing, give me the remote.'
Me:  'That's not going to happen.'
He huffed and announced he was going to go to bed.  I said, 'And good riddance to you!'  At this point my eyes began getting heavy, and I am falling asleep, however I don't dare let the remote slip out of my grasp.  Unbeknownst to me, my brother army crawled down the hall, back into the family room, positioning himself directly behind me as I lay on the couch.  He began to very quietly chant my name 'Kim Kim Kim' in the exact same fashion Friday the 13th makes their 'Cha Cha Cha' sound.  I quickly awoke, looked around, shrugged it off, changed the channel, then began falling back asleep.  Again and a little louder I heard, 'Kim Kim Kim'  I sat up, muted the TV, looked around, waited a few seconds, disregarded my fear and relaxed. A few moments later I hear a tiny bit louder 'Kim Kim Kim'  Ok this time I know for sure I heard it!  I called the family dog (a 80 pound pedigree red Pitbull) directed him to lay on the floor in front of the couch, I very hesitantly lay back down.  It took a few minutes, eventually my exhaustion reared its ugly head and I began to fall back asleep.  I heard a loud voice directly behind my head say 'KIM KIM RAAAAH!' My brother came up and over the couch and grabbed me.  I scream in sheer terror, the dog jumps up and starts barking, I am now shaking and in tears, my brother is laughing so hard he has tears rolling down his face, then here comes our Dad running down the hall wearing only his boxer shorts holding his pistol in the air.  Surprised, we looked at him, I am still crying, brother still laughing.  Dad said, 'What's going on in here!?!'  Through tears I pointed at my giggling sibling and said, 'He scared me!'  My Dad looked angrily at both of us and said, 'Everybody go to bed! Turn everything off and GO TO BED!' he then turned around and walked back to his bedroom.  My brother looked at me, picked the remote up off the couch, tossed it to me, chuckled again, and said, 'Night Night little Sis.'       

Reason #810 I don't talk to my coworkers

Typically, I keep to myself while at any of my work places.  I don't go out of my way to engage in any conversation.  One day my workplace catered lunch for all of us.  One of the trays of food contained pickles, my coworker was going on and on about her intense love for pickles.  I was not going to eat the pickle on my plate so I politely offered it to her -
Me:  'Would you like my dill pickle?'
Coworker:  'What flavor is it?'
Me:  'What flavor is the DILL pickle?'
Coworker:  'Yes'
Me:  'Umm, Chocolate?'
   

Gas station

One Halloween my BFFs Lani took her two younger children out Trick-Or-Treating. Before taking the kids out she ate two sugar free chocolate covered caramels.  Ultimately the candy gave her major and constant gas.  Her daughter looked up at her and said, 'Mom, stop farting!' My brilliant and ever comedic Lani looked down at her beautiful daughter and said, 'What? This is my costume, I'm a gas station.'    

Slippery shenanigans

Two of my nephews and I went to visit one of my best friends Lani.  It was a very nice day so we three, Lani, her two sons, and exceedingly beautiful and young daughter all played happily in her backyard.  Lani's daughter stated she had to use the restroom and went into the house.  Lani and I quickly realized she was taking too long to return.  Lani and I went into the house to check on the young beauty.  We had no idea that her daughter found the spray can of Pledge wood cleaner and polish and proceeded to run all around the house holding the can straight up in the air while pressing the spray trigger.  Lani's house has all hard wood floors. Lani and I came in through the patio door, walked safely through the kitchen, and as soon as we each stepped foot into the hall we both immediately fell to the floor.  Surprised and puzzled we looked at each other, then came her little beauty running and giggling with the can.  As soon as she saw us she stopped, dropped the can, and ran back outside.  Lani and I laughed hysterically as we spent more time than I would like to admit slipping, sliding, and falling over and over again.  We finally made it back to our feet and thought this was the perfect time to call the kids inside for a snack and watch them all try to make it down the hallway to the bathroom to wash their hands. 

Camouflaged Caped Crusader

When I worked at Kohl's the store manager's wife occasionally came in to shop and their 3 year old son would spend time with his Daddy.  Every single time and right on schedule, his son would sneak away and hide from him.  The last thing our manager wanted was his wife to find out that once again he lost their son.  A good number of us wore walkie talkies with ear pieces.  As soon as our fearless leader realized, he would radio 'The boy is on the run again!' and our search would begin.  The orders were 'look, look quickly, try to be discreet, and do not tell the wife!'  The sly toddler was a major Batman fan, and at times would only answer when referred to as Batman.  I can think back to many many puzzled looks and giggles from our valued customers when they caught a glimpse of me hurrying around and looking into various clothes racks quietly calling out "Batman....Batman....Where are you?"   

The backed-up's back up

While using a public bathroom, I heard a woman moaning in discomfort saying 'Oooh lord help me, ooooh lord.'  A moment later someone else came in to use the facility, the moaning started up again, 'Ooooh help me, help me.' Our 'newest recruit' said, 'What? Are you talking to me?'  The uncomfortable pooper said, 'No just leave me alone. Help me, wooo!'  The recruit then said, 'Yes, don't worry, I can help you!'  I magically transformed into an Olympic speed pee'er, quickly washed my hands, and got the heck out of there!

Priceless Prayer

While visiting my parents, sister and nephews.  I was happy to see my sister made praying before bedtime part of their ritual.  The smallest of her three boys very recently began sleeping in his very own big boy bed - this is a very big deal!  My sister told him once he finishes brushing his teeth to go to bed and remember to say his prayers.  I thought this was very cute and wanted to watch first hand.  I stood in the hallway, out of his sight, and watched my little big boy kneel down beside his bed, put his tiny little hands together and say, 'Now I lay me down to slee.. (he stopped abruptly, looked up and said loudly) Hey God, its ME!' and started again right where he left off.  I began laughing, my nephew looked at me surprised and said, 'I had to get his attention.' He then climbed into his big boy bed and very sweetly said, 'Night Night.'

Welcome to the guard show

On my morning drive to work it is normal to see crossing guards standing at designated corners.  One day I saw a guard wearing headphones, dancing around excitedly, while holding the handle of her STOP sign up and the STOP portion of the sign down against her tummy frantically strumming it like an electric guitar.  It wasnt until she turned her back to traffic that she saw a group of children plus a few parents watching her and from the looks on their faces - enjoying the show as much as I.

Table manners

One of my best friends Paula used to work as a waitress at a restaurant/bar.  One day someone accidentally left a Link card behind at the bar.  It didn't happen often but on occasion a man on a date would be very rude to my Paula in an attempt to show off for and/or impress his unfortunate female companion.  One day a man was being particularly rude to Paula. His behavior seemed to disenchant his date, when it was time to for him to sign his credit card receipt, Paula walked up to the table, laid down the Link card and said, 'Sir I am so sorry but we don't accept this kind of payment.'  The discourteous diner's date was overcome with laughter, she smiled at Paula, and gave her a nod and wink of approval.   

Hiding in plain sight

My Mother typically puts her eye glasses on top of her head to briefly get them out of the way.  One day we went to the store, purchased a few items and left the store.  As we walked to the car my Mother said, 'Oh, wait a minute' then quickly turned to go back into the store.  I had no idea what she forget but knew it was best to followed her lead.  I followed her to the customer service desk, she asked the lady if anyone had very recently turned in a pair of glasses.  I looked at my Mother and saw her glasses on the tip of her nose and immediately started laughing.  The customer service lady looked confused for a moment then smiled at my Mother and reached up and tapped the tip of her own nose.  Mom realized instead of putting her glasses on top of her head, she slipped them down her nose.  She turned a little red, laughed, thanked the lady, and we left.  Once outside I started to really laugh at her, she pinched me and said, 'Oh hush', I reminded her that Alzheimer's runs in our family.

Runaway toilet paper

When going up the stairs in our home, you climb the first section of steps, come to a little landing turn right take a few steps, and go up about 4 more steps.  Once at the top of the stairs there is a bedroom to your left, take about 10 more steps turning to see a bathroom and another bedroom. I was home alone one day and thought, 'I am the only one here, so I can leave the bathroom door open.'  In my opinion the toilet paper was on the roll the wrong way - REMEMBER: You always pull the paper from the front and never from the back AND you always wipe from front to back and NEVER the opposite. - I clumsily removed the paper from the holder, it slipped out of my hand, down to the floor, and rolled out of the bathroom, down the hall and right down the stairs. I sat there baffled, all I could do was pull the runaway paper towards me, inch by inch, very gently, until I finally had enough to complete my, umm, 'mission' while washing my hands Josie came home and up the first set of steps onto the landing, she looked at the paper trail, then up at me and said, 'I don't even want to know what you were doing.'

All-Star tinkler

My 7 year old nephew was recently invited to tryouts for an All-Star Soccor team.  He was asked to complete a variety of drills and challenges.  During break the line for the restroom was quite long and he really had to 'go'.  My sister told him to go stand in front of her SUV (which was parked very close) and quickly yet discreetly relieve himself.  We watched him run over to the SUV (which I now refer to as her S U Pee) then quickly disappear.  I stood with my back to the vehicle, my sister in front of me while we talked waiting for his return.  I saw my sister's eyes grow wide then she said, 'Oh my goodness!' and she hurried in his direction.  I turned around to see a bright yellow stream flowing up and well above the hood of the car.  My sister was ready to die from embarrassment, I however was mildly impressed.  I later whispered to my sister 'You know, if peeing were a super power, he would be The Urinator.'

Trash talker silenced

My oldest brother is very tall and has above spectacular basketball ability.  One of his buddies, on a seasonal YMCA league asked him to play with his team for their final game.  We access the gym, my brother immediately starts stretching and runs a few laps.  During this time every other player was sitting around waiting for game time.  Majority of the opposing team began making fun of my brother and doing mock stretches.  There was one major and louder than the rest, big time trash talker.  My brother remained silent.  I, knowing my brother very well, knew he was just waiting for the right moment to strike back.  Not long into the game, big time trash talker stole the ball from our guy and began running down the court towards the basket.  My athletic brother quickly and with great ease caught up to him.  Right as the guy jumped up at a poor attempt to dunk that turned into a super sloppy lay up, my awesome brother - with one hand - grabs the ball in mid air, wedged it between the hoop and the backboard and ran back down court, leaving the trash talker standing under the basket pitifully looking up at the basketball in awe.  Immediately the gym filled with an uproar of cheering and laughter, the other team looked appropriately worried.

Pharmacon potty mouth

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions.  Already standing at the counter was a Hispanic man visiting his technician buddy.  A different tech came to assist me.  The man standing at the counter was going on and on (loudly) about how horrible his wife is and how he is very tired of her attitude.  A third tech walked up to listen in on his marital woes.  At this point I am in the final stage of my prescription purchase, tech number three asked the sullen spouse 'Wait, what is your wife's name?' In pessimistic pronto he chuckled and said, 'B!*@#'  My tech looked at me, appearing flabbergasted and a bit uneasy.  To put her at ease, I smiled and leaned in and said, 'I bet it sounds much prettier in Spanish.'

To have and to fold

My awesomely clever middle brother pulled me to the side to help him play a joke on his beautiful wife.  Out of her view I quietly walked over to and stood infront of the basement door while she sat innocently on the couch watching TV, my brother making it quite obvious he was going to do his laundry walked past his loving spouse with the basket of clothes.  He handed me the basket and very quietly made his way down the basement stairs.  He gave me thumbs up, I then rolled the basket loudly down the stairs - he yelled then quickly layed down at the bottom of the stairs.  I hurried into the bathroom conviently located right by the basement door & tried to contain my laughter.  My poor unsuspecting Sister-in-law screamed and ran to her husband's aid.  I silently emerged from the bathroom and looked down the steps to see her shaking him trying to get him to regain consciousness.  My brother, losing control, began laughing hysterically as did I. Sister-in-law looked confused for a moment, looked at each of us then proceeded to try to beat the heck out of him with the scattered clothes.  Love is a wonderful thing.

Auditory blowout

When I was finally of age to drive my parents made me wait an additional year, this really didn't matter too much because none of my friends had cars anyways.   We made friends with this kid named Alex - conveniently Alex had a car, so we kept him around.  The funny thing is, none of us were allowed to leave our subdivision.   We would pile into Alex's car and ride around the subdivision - because we were super cool like that.  I remember it was only a few days after July 4th and Phoebe found a bunch of unused M80 firecrackers.  I know (now) this is dangerous and mean, but we chose to ride around looking for the junior high kids and throw the M80s at them out of the sunroof.  (we weren't very bright back then)  This was hilarious and big fun until Phoebe misjudged her throw and the M80 bounced off the rim and down into the backseat with us.  All we could do was cringe - BOOM! Thank goodness none of us were hurt or burned, however it blew a huge hole in the backseat of the car.  We were all filled with tiny tiny pieces of orange seat cushion filler, and quickly realized we were partially deaf.  Alex was furious and horrified to take the car back to his mother.  The rest of us went to the park located in our subdivision hoping our sense of sound would return, and return quickly.  We were city kids and you know the rule is 'You better be home when the street lights came on'  There we were sitting at the park talking to and testing each other hoping the tunnel sound would disappear, while keeping a keen eye on those street lights, because no one wants the beating you'll surely get for coming home deaf.

Lactose Life Lesson

When I was a child my grandmother constantly told me to stop drinking out of glasses that were not given to me.  I viewed this as harmless, fun, and I kind of enjoyed her fussing when I did it in front of her.  One day - I remember this very clearly - my grandmother and I were in the kitchen, I watched her take a glass out of the cabinet, walk to the refrigerator, and pour a nice cool glass of milk.  She then placed the glass on the kitchen table and walked out of the kitchen.  Right on cue and without hesitation I quickly pick up the glass take a very large drink from the ever inviting vaso.  I think it only took about four or five seconds before I realized it was buttermilk.  BLUK!  Needless to say, NEVER again did I drink from any glass other than my own.

Fright Night

One year on Halloween Lexi, Johnny, Monica and I thought we would test our courage by going to one of the local cemeteries.  We heard a myth that every year on Halloween night right at midnight if you are very quiet, you will hear classical music playing and a woman would appear.  Of course this didn't happen, however when midnight came I could feel the level of fear and anxiety growing in the car.  I quickly grab my cell phone and set the volume very low and select one of the preloaded classical type ring tones.  I then proceed to slowly increase the volume.  Johnny heard it first and immediately started to panic, Lexi fumbled trying to start the car to get us the heck out of there.  Monica's fear quickly caught up to and superseded Johnny's, unfortunately I couldn't contain my laughter longer than a few short minutes and began laughing hysterically and held up my phone.  They all were relieved and less than thrilled.  Thank goodness Lexi didn't take Johnny's suggestion, apparently he thought I deserved to walk home.  They were a little agitated with me for a while but, in the end it was totally worth it.

Bicultural misunderstandings

If you took a moment to look at my profile you saw that I am a lighter shade of brown.  My older brother is a tall, exceedingly handsome, beautifully brown man, our grandmother has gorgeous porcelain skin and long flowing blonde hair.  One day the three of us went to the grocery store, this typically takes gramma at least an hour, and that is just browsing.  We usually end up straying away from her, walk around on our own, find her, get bored, walk away again - it is a vicious cycle.  In an attempt to entertain my brother, I walked up to gramma reached into her purse (which is always hanging on her arm and wide open) I pulled out a pen, showed it to my brother and returned it to her purse without her noticing.  My brother chuckled, we soon noticed she wasn't anywhere near ready to leave yet, so once again we walked away.  Moments later we saw her making her way up the to check out, relieved I stepped into place behind her and my brother stood at the end of check out waiting for us.  I noticed two squad cars out front and thought to myself, 'oooh, someone is shoplifting, I hope they throw the book at them!' We made our way up to and through the check out and no action - bummer.  As we start to walk out the police grab my brother and me. My brother immediately said, 'Hey, let me go, you don't put your hands on me'.  Shocked and horrified, I immediately start crying (its what I do).  They gently pull gramma to the side saying, 'Ma'am, ma'am, they were stealing from you!' Stunned she said, 'Who' they pointed to us saying 'them, they were!'  Gramma said, 'Those are my babies!' Then, in front of God and everybody, she furiously yet with a scary calmness told them all exactly what she thought about all of them.  I thought she was going to hulk up at any second!  Gramma took care of 500 years of oppression in 5 minutes, while my brother and I (and everyone else) stood there speechless.

Bernie's Narration

One night Bernie and I were in the mood for a scary movie.  Browsing through our Netflix instant view options we decided to watch an old 80's scary movie.  We finally picked a movie, I think the out dated graphics, lots of bad acting, and even worse wardrobe choices made our selection more comical than scary.  We enjoyed pointing out the numerous editing faux pas and shadows of the camera, at one point we found ourselves watching the female lead in the typical running through the woods screaming for help scene - you guessed it - she falls, slowly gets back up and runs right into the arms of the 'bad guy' he was a very inbred and low budget version of Jason Voorhees.  He picked her up and held her against a tree, to my delight Bernie decided to narrate

Bernie: Please don't kill me, please don't kill me

the villain rips her shirt (of course) and begins undoing his pants

Bernie: OH NO! KILL ME KILL ME!!!  

I laughed so hard I the rest of the movie was a blur.

Us?   Desensitized?   That's a bunch of Poppycock!

DMV Debacle

I once took one of my nephews to the DMV with me.  While we were standing at the counter waiting for the lady to locate my information in the system, my ever observant nephew tapped my arm and said (loud enough for ALL to hear), 'Titi, she looks like the lady from that show that has the drinking problem.'  I could feel my face heating up with embarrassment.  I looked at the lady to see her looking at my cute little nephew with disapproval.  I gently pulled him closer to, and behind me and politely said, 'I make my check out to Secretary of State right?'

Laundry Etiquette

Once again it is laundry time, and there are so many big big decisions that must be made. 

Are my clothes delicate?  I mean, I don't think they offend easily but I never really took the time to ask. 

How much does it really matter if I don't separate them?  I do vaguely recall one time I saw my shirts eye-balling my socks with this snob like superiority.

Would I rather smell like a Mountain Spring or a Clean Breeze?

Hmm, I better call someone for help with this one.

Can't we all just get along?

East Coast vs West Coast, Bloods vs Crips, Vampires vs Warewolves, ALL pale in comparison to the increasingly hostile environment and bad vibes between my pillow and the alarm clock.

I am just going to stay out of it.

False Alarm

Someone, I am not going to say who, simply SOMEONE woke up this morning, looked at the clock, then jumped out of bed in a panic scrambling around thinking 'OMG I'm late for work!' Whipped off my pajamas, grabbed the towel, and shower cap, hurried into the bathroom.  While reaching into the shower for the handle, realized today is SATURDAY.  A feeling of relief swooped in to save the day.  At that point all I could do was try to decide if I should go ahead and take my shower now or go back to bed? 
Rarely do you feel relief and stupidity simultaneously. 

Caffeinated Conditioner

I absolutely love scaring people, especially my family members.  One day I noticed my Mom finishing her morning cup of coffee, I know she always asks someone take her cup to the kitchen.  My nephew (7 years old) and I were the only ones around her at that moment. I saw the opportunity to scare him and could not pass it up.  I casually walked into the kitchen then crouched down in front of the sink right by the kitchen doorway.  It took a moment but sure enough, my Mom asked my nephew to please take her cup into the kitchen.  There I was crouched down, quivering trying to contain laughter, this is going to be SO GOOD! Here he comes, not a care in the world, being a good little boy, and I jump out - RAAAAH! He almost jumped through the roof and somehow managed to dump the remaining contents of the coffee cup right over his head!  After seeing that I almost had to run to the bathroom to avoid peeing my pants.  My nephew stood there 1/2 crying 1/2 laughing, my Moms giggling made her compassion for my coffee drenched nephew less than believable.  For the record I did clean up the mess for him and help him into the shower.  I am so nice!

Negativity = Zero college credits

It was the first day of the semester for my night college level English 202 class.  As I walked up to the classroom I noticed about 4 people standing in front of the door, 1 guy sitting on the floor reading, and 2 more people walking up right behind me.  It quickly became obvious the door was locked.  Three of my fellow classmates began complaining, 'Where is the teacher?'  'How long are we supposed to wait for this guy?'  'I hope he doesn't expect us to be on time if he cant even show up on time'  'This class is going to suck'  Two more students joined in on the negativity, the rest of us remained silent. A few minutes later a janitor came up and unlocked the door for us.  We all filed in and took our seats, of course I being the nerd that I am had to take a front row seat.  I watched the guy previously sitting on the floor reading, walk up to the front of the class, put his bag on the teachers desk and start taking out folders.  I wondered 'What is this kid doing?'  He then walked up to the podium and began taking attendance.  I looked back at the shocked trash talkers and enjoyed the looks of horror on their faces.  I smiled, turned back around, and thought to myself, 'Yeah, you're going to fail.'

Playtime with Coconut

My BFF Lani is very smart, witty, funny, and very very sarcastic.  Her 3 amazingly beautiful kids all share her awesome personality.  One day Lani told her 6 year old son (I call him my Coconut) to go outside and play.  He said he wanted to stay inside and play the Wii.  Lani refused and said 'No, you go outside and get some fresh air, get some exercise, play and have fun.  When we were kids all we wanted to do was go outside and play with our friends, so go play and have fun.'  He sighed and went outside, very shortly afterwards he came back in and said, 'Mom, umm, someone just tried to kidnap me, yeah so umm, can I just play my video games?' I couldn't help it, I started laughing, I had to high five the kid and give him a 9 for creativity but a 3 on performance. 

Insidious Ridiculousness

One cool summer night Josie, Bernie, and I popped in a scary movie.  This movie was actually pretty good, it had been quite some time since a movie had me so on edge.  Bernie was washing a load of laundry, we heard the buzzer, we were all terrifed, so that meant we all were going with her to the basement.  On the way down Bernie grabbed a hammer looked at us and said, 'just in case' - I laughed,

Josie:  You cant kill a ghost with a hammer
Bernie: Well I'm going to try
Josie:  No, you have to use rock salt
Kimolie:  I think we need a Proton Pack
Josie:  No, rock salt will kill a ghost. I watch Super Natural - I know this stuff.

Enlightened we all proceeded back upstairs to finish up our movie,  Since it was such a nice cool night we eagerly turned off the air conditioning and opened all the windows.  At one point I wanted to get up and grab something from the kitchen, while on my way the movie started to get scarier so I stopped to watch, in this part of the movie the main character was by a window, it just happend, so was I.  As I stood complely engulfed by the movie, a breeze came through our window moving the curtain out just enough to touch my arm.  I screamed and covered my face.  Of course this scared the heck out of my poor Josie and Bernie, their shock quickly turned into laughter as they paused the movie to take time to point out the fact that I would rather scream and cover my face instead of run.

Why are fight or flight the only two options? 
It should be fight, flight, or stand there and pee on yourself.

Pee Dance Evolution

I love our house, it has 3 functioning bathrooms, of course all four of us feel the need to only use 1 bathroom.  When I get home from work of course I had to 'go' however Bernie beat me to it.  Going downstairs was just too easy. I would much rather torture my bladder and wait.  Very quickly after making this decision I started feeling a little anxious,  the Pee Dance usually buys me a few more minutes.  My dance started with a easy little tap, then moving from foot to foot, next I found myself doing the electric slide, however that quickly turned into Riverdance, by the time Bernie finally emerged from the Precious Porcelain Pot I was an impressive impression of Jennifer Beals from Flashdance - Maaaniac Maaaaaaniac

All Knight Long

As a fun family trip we went to Medieval Times.  You are seated in sections, each section belongs to a certain knight. We had front row seating for Red Knight - YES!  My family is normally pretty loud so Red Knight was sure to win.  Needless to say we cheered for our beloved Red Knight like there was no tomorrow.  We wanted all the other knights to know - Red Knight = ROCK STAR! Your top priority and entire job is to cheer, cheer, & cheer some more for your specific knight - hopefully on to victory.  Its ALL about the Knights!  After it is all over you can talk to, and take pictures with your knight.  Best friend Lexi joined us this time and stopped at the gift shop, we waited for her for what seemed like a long time.  We quietly joked regarding what the gift shop sells that could possibly take so long to wrap up for her.  She walked back up to our group and I said, "Finally, what the heck did you buy the 'ALL' night?"

XSM Onesie

On one of our normal trips to Walmart my best friend Lani and I saw a man wearing a shirt that was so tight, it looked like it should have three little snaps in the crotch.   Who knew onesies came in extra smedium?

Ukulele Hero

One morning my best firiend Lexi and I were on our way to work, while sitting at a stop light, we noticed people in other cars being mean, pointing and laughing, we then looked over and saw a man standing on the corner feverishly playing a ukulele. He was really really going at it, giving 100% of his heart and soul.  I just thought to myself, 'They better be nice, because when Wii finally releases Ukulele Hero this guy is going to be AWESOME! Then we will see who has the last laugh!'

Good Parenting

One night my oldest nephew was not behaving and continuously waking up my Dad.  After a few warnings he woke him up again.  I told him it was time to go to bed. I know this is not the best parenting in the world but I wanted to pay him back, so I popped in the Jeepers Creepers DVD (this will teach him!)  We both watched the entire move from beginning to end and he didn't flinch once.  We were still both wide awake, feeling a little defeated, I selected the movie Beetlejuice.  Not very long into the movie my fearless nephew starts whimpering and whining because he was scared.  I couldn't believe it!  I said, 'You cant be scared of this, look, this is Batman!' he stood his ground.  Baffled, I turned it off and thought to myself 'this kid is a little special, so he is definitely in the right family.' While putting the movie away I noticed the movie Cujo and said, 'Hey, would you like to watch a movie about a puppy?'

Dancing Machine

Its no secret that my friends and I love to play all kinds of games, board and Wii.  We particularly enjoy the game Just Dance.  We are pretty darn good (if I do say so myself) Bernadette aka Bernie usually wins, however very recently Lexi has been the reigning champion.  This is not because of her stellar dance moves but because she does not stay in her spot.  While flailing, gyrating, and dancing her little heart out - she does not, I repeat, does not stay in her area, making it difficult for the rest of us to get maximum points.  Mostly because we are worried for our very lives.  Don't Just Dance with Lexi because she boxes you out like we are playing NBA Live 2011.

America's Dumbest Criminal

One winter when I was younger, and very shortly after passing my drivers license test, a few friends (including my Best Friend Lexi) and I drove to Louis Joliet Mall (now named Westerfield Mall).  The plows created very tall and wide snow drifts.  We, being very young, inexperienced, and less than intelligent at that moment somehow decided to chase each other all around the mountains of snow and parking lot - IN SEPARATE CARS.  I know, I know, shame shame shame, anways, I ended up crashing head on right into another car, right into their drivers side front door. Shocked we all got out of our cars and assessed the damage.  Realizing there was no damage to my car, after a quick pow wow with my friends, I made the (poor) decision to leave the scene. I decided I better call it a night and went straight home.  Not long after I was home the doorbell rang, I peeked out the window and saw it was Joliet's finest (a police car).  Since it was pretty late and the doorbell at that hour was unusual my Father came downstairs as well.  I was frozen with fear, he looked out the window, then at me, since I have NO poker face he immediately saw the look of horror on my face, and he said 'Is this for you?'  All I could do was stare at him open mouthed.  He opened the door and stepped out to talk to the officer.  He came back in and told me to get dressed quickly and go with the officer. He drove us back to the mall where there was another officer and the poor scared little mall worker.  The waiting officer asked me a few questions, whispered to officer chauffeur, then told me I was free to go.  With great relief I thanked them both.  He said 'Hey do you want to know how we found you?' I nervously said, 'Umm, sure.' He then smiled and handed me through the window the front license plate to my car.  Both officers proceeded to laugh hysterically and I could feel my face heating up more and more.

Crambone

I noticed I missed a call from my middle brother.  At the time he had an expectant wife ready to deliver at any moment.  I called him back twice and he didn't pick up either time.  As a result my excitement was growing with every passing minute.  After what seemed like an eternity, he called again.  I quickly answered the phone and said, 'Hey hey, what exciting news do you have for me!?!'  He then proceeded to tell me which old family favorite episode of Tom and Jerry he and my niece saw earlier that day.

Alert

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT - take a laxative after you have already taken a sleeping pill before you go to bed.

Judgement call?

Is it inappropriate for a referee to say 'NO LOW BLOWS' at a midget boxing match?

Score: Sisters 1 - Brothers ZERO

There are few things in this world that bring me as much joy as the joy I feel while taunting and teasing my older brother.  He has this very large jar of loose change.  We took the jar to the bank hoping they would dump it into the machine and cash it out.  The bank was not willing to do this for us, instead they handed him a large handful of empty coin rolls so we could roll them ourselves.  I'm not sure if we were supposed to drop all of our classes and quit our jobs so we can roll all of his coins, but that, apparently, was none of the banks concern. From the bank we went on a little road trip, luckily I saw a sign advising we were coming close to a toll.  My brother, took a few precious seconds away from his less than American Idol ready singing along with the radio to hand me the jar, and told me to get seventy cents ready for  the toll.  I quickly noticed he was really really into the song and not really paying me much attention.  I proceeded to count one dime, two nickels, and FIFTY pennies.  It was really a bonus when I noticed he was pulling into a booth that had an actual person in it - SCORE!  He still has yet to look over at me, my brother pulls up to the booth, greets the lady, while doing so he holds his hand out in front of me for the money.  I proceed to (with a great feeling of pride and accomplishment) drop all of the coins into his hand, my brother looks over in shock and said, 'What are you doing!?!' I start laughing and say 'Give it to her, give it to her!' My brother puts his head down and sticks his hand out the window and in front of the lady, she says, 'What is that!?!' My brother said, 'Its money, take it!' The lady took the abundance of currency from him with a very agitated look on her face, my brother is glaring at me, and at this point I am laughing hysterically.

Mind Blowing Souvenir

I will go ahead and admit that I am a bit naive when it comes to certain things.  It is normal for people to ask you to bring them back little things when you go on trips. Once on a trip, someone asked me to bring them back a 'one-hitter' I had no idea what this was, but how hard could it really be?  While on said trip I asked a friend of mine to run with me to Wal-Mart, he was nice enough to oblige.  Since I didnt know exactly what I was looking for I decided I better go straight to customer service to prevent us from having to walk all around the store somewhat blindly.  While waiting in line my friend asked me why we were in line, I told him I need something and I dont know where it's located.  He said, "I know this store, what do you need?"  I said, "I need something called a 'one-hitter'" His eyes almost popped out of his head and he asked me to repeat what I said, I did and he pulled me to the side and proceeded to laugh his head off. Between tears, he asked me if I knew what that was.  I said "No" (with growning frustration), my ultra supportive amigo (while laughing hysterically) advised we leave. 

Driod X Mutiny

I have had my cell phone for nine months now, and I love it! I really enjoy the way it auto corrects and trys to guess the next word I will use while I text or type in general.  I noticed it actually figured out a pattern regarding what I typically type, and now suggests those words.  Wow!  However, lately it hasnt been quite as 'on point' as usual.  I was typing "Hello, my name is Kim..." & when it came time to type my name my super smart phone suggested I insert GUYBLOW - Umm, whaaat? Then a day or two later I was typing the word 'cute' and my awesome phone suggested ACHOO.  Im starting to wonder if my phone has declared war on its Mommy, or maybe, just maybe, Verizon uses the term 'Smart' phone - a bit loosely.

Toyota Camry Idol

Looking through my older CDs I found some old classics and eagerly decided to listen to them again.  Somehow during a drive home from work one night my phone called the last place I called.  While driving along singing my little heart out, I thought I heard something but disregarded it because my solo was coming.  Afterwards, I looked at my phone, saw it was on an actual call, surprised I said, 'Hello?'  A man laughed & said 'Hello?' I then quickly apologized and hung up.  Reviewing the call details I learned Walgreens Pharmacy was lucky enough to listen to me sing 'Baby Got Back' (on repeat) for 6 minutes and 49 seconds.

Some things you can only learn by living it.

Occasionally, it can be said that alcohol tends to improve certain skills.  A few odd examples are your pool, ping pong, and bowling game.  It can be said with much more certainty that alcohol does NOT lend a helping hand when trimming your eyebrows. I am pretty sure this bit of wisdom does not surprise you nearly as much as it looks like I currently am.