Sunday, December 18, 2011

Yuletide message

If the fact of the matter is your children are ungrateful and not the most well behaved children.  Yet you can not bring yourself to refuse to buy them gifts for Christmas, I think you should buy them swim suits and pool toys.  After they open all the summer fun (wrapped in Christmas cheer) you should remind them that Santa is always watching and knows exactly how they have conducted themselves.  While it is true they haven't been completely horrid, they came very close but did not make Santa's naughty list.  He thought they deserved to think about their actions before being able to enjoy their gifts.  Then spend the rest of the day singing 'He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've be bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.'

Cat lady

While washing my hands in a public restroom I happened to look over at a lady standing at the sink looking at herself in the mirror.  She leaned closer to the mirror to look at her hair, clicked her tongue, licked the palms of each hand, smoother back her hair, rinsed her hands wiped them and left.  I was puzzled as to why her saliva was a better option than the water the sink had to offer.  I know this ultimately doesn't mean anything and is merely my own personal irrational conclusion, but she was wearing a long denim skirt, a red sweatshirt with kittens on it, and had her hair pulled back into a bun.  So I am pretty sure she probably has a few dozen cats at home.  

Latrine laviere

My friend Stacey always has a smile on her pretty face, and something witty yet sarcastic to say, she is truly amazing.  One weekend she invited me to join her and her two beautiful daughters on their out of town girls weekend fun trip.  Full of shopping complete with a stay at a nice hotel that had a pool and game room.  We checked in, put our bags in our room, then headed back out to go to dinner at Hard Rock Cafe.  We stopped to look around the nicely decorated and rather large lobby.  We saw bathrooms in the back corner and thought it would be a good idea to stop there before our journey began.  I was the last one out and remembered there were not that many people in the lobby.  In an effort to make Stacey laugh I grabbed one of the thin toilet seat liners from the box and gently placed it around my neck with the little flap facing forward.  I emerged from the bathroom, they were waiting for me right outside the door, I said, 'Wow this hotel is really nice they even give us these super cool necklaces just for using the bathroom!'  Stacey and her daughters immediately break into laughter.  A man comes round the corner to use the men's room, this surprises all of us, I reach up to rip off the flimsy liner.  All of the sudden this once flimsy liner now seems to be made of industrial no rip paper because I could not get it off.  Embarrassed getting close to panic I reach up with my other hand an start clawing and pulling at the paper, at this point the paper is ripping in sections and clinging to me for dear life.  Stacey and daughters are laughing hysterically, the man looked at me in disbelief, started laughing, and walked into the men's room.  It wasn't until after my face was hot and red from embarrassment, was I able to get out of my self made noose.

Bernie's Holiday Ha-Ha-Ha

Bernie came home from her company Holiday Party with the greatest iPhone accessorie I have ever seen!  It is the hand held part of the older model home telephone.  The handle is U-shaped, has the old school long curly cord, and is bright red.  It looks exactly like the red phone Batman used to answer every time the Commissioner called. We went to the mall knowing it would be packed with holiday shoppers, to publicly try out her fun new toy.  She plugged the accessorie into her phone and put it into her purse, luckily Bernie carries a rather large purse, so she could easily carry and conceal her fun new toy with her.  We went to Starbucks to sit and enjoy a treat, pleased to see there were quite a few people there as well.  We sat at a table in the middle of the busy area, I waited a moment while keeping my phone out of sight then called Bernie's cell phone.  Bernie being a genius, thought ahead to change her ring tone to a very loud and annoying ringing sound, she pretended to fumble through her large purse for a moment as if she couldn't find her phone.  She then said, 'OH HERE IT IS!' and pulls out the large bright red receiver with long cord trailing back into her purse, casually holds it up to her head and says, 'Hello?' At this point I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to fall out of my chair.  The people around us began watching her as soon as they heard the annoying ring tone so they were already laughing as well.  We had people from two tables come over to us to high-five her, and another came to ask where they could find the super fun toy for themselves.    

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Ice cream offer you can't refuse

While visiting my friend Phoebe, we tried to figure out what to have for dinner that night.  She asked her beautiful young daughter what she was in the mood for, her daughter excitedly requested Baskin Robbins.  Phoebe told her that we can not have ice cream for dinner, and her little beauty huffed out of the room.  After the child left I quietly told Phoebe ice cream wasn't that bad of an idea.  She laughed and said, 'I know, if she would have said Dairy Queen we all would be in the car by now.'  We both laughed and continued chatting.  Phoebe's daughter came back into the room with a newly created drawing.  It was a drawing of Phoebe, me, and the beauty herself.  She drew a X over Phoebe and told her that when she gives her some ice cream she can then be back in her family, and proudly left the room.  We laughed hysterically at her masterpiece.  Phoebe said, 'When did they start showing The Godfather on cartoon network?' 

Potty prisoner

While at work using the restroom, I happened to be the only person in there at that moment.  The cleaning lady came in pushing her very large and heavy cart.  She must have forgotten something because I heard her leave the restroom and go into their storage closet located right next to the restroom.  I didn't realize she pushed and stopped her cart directly in front of the stall I was using.  I realized this when I tried to open the door and it opened only a few inches revealing the cart.  I tried pushing harder and harder but the cart would not budge.  I stood there for a moment and reassured myself, thinking she will surely be back in a moment and will move the cart.  Then I heard the sound of the building's fire alarm system.  I thought to myself 'ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!'  I wondered if this was simply a drill or if the building was really on fire.  I stood there longer than I would like to admit, trying to figure out which scenario was worse.  Being heard screaming for help from the bathroom, or getting into trouble for not being accounted for in a fire drill.  It is funny how I never, at any point, considered the repercussion of being trapped in a possibly burning building.  Luckily my thought process was interrupted by the same cleaning lady.  That poor lady, I think I scared her a bit because as soon as she moved the cart I popped out of that stall pretty quickly. 

Spooky spoof

One day Lexi, Johnny, Monica and I decided to visit our friend Autumn at her workplace.  While we were there her ex-boyfriend came to visit as well.  None of us particularly enjoyed his company, so we chose to torture him.  Autumn told me that he is very afraid of ghosts, I passed this newly useful information to Lexi, Johnny, and Monica and the fun began.  We started telling him all these random 'true' stories about how Autumn's workplace is haunted.  At first he wasn't buying what we were selling, but eventually he did appear a bit uneasy.  We made up a story about a ghost that leaves a hand print on your back windshield then kills you at some point on while you are driving so it looks like an accident.  I saw a candle in the office and told him one ghost in particular communicates via fire.  We lit the candle and began speaking into it.  We had him so tense and focused entirely on the dancing flame, he didn't notice one little bit when Lexi very slowly and quietly tip-toed out of the room, and out to the parking lot.  Luckily for us it was raining off and on that day, so the cars had water all over them.  Lexi put her hand print on his back windshield right in the middle, so he'd see it right away, she snuck back into the room just as quietly and unnoticed.  Finally, he became very afraid and anxious to leave.   We casually said goodbye, the next thing we knew he came running back into the building shaking, almost in tears, frantically telling us there is a hand on his back window.  We then began pretending HE was trying to scare US and we told him 'nice try' and 'yeah sure'.  Autumn, being the nicest one in the group finally told him it was all a joke.  He was terrified and furious, and we enjoyed every minute of it.