Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Paradise Perception

Last year my BFF Lexi and I went to Hawaii for 10 days.  We were super excited, as this was our first time ever going to Hawaii.  I was pleasently surprised over and over again.  While on the beautiful island paradise I made many observations and mental notes.  I did also notice that there were a very very large amount of Japanese people everywhere.  I had never in my life seen so many Japanese people at one given time.  I leaned over to Lexi and whispered (unfortunately a little louder than I meant to) 'There sure are a lot of Japanese people here, are they filming The Grude 3 or something?'  She giggled a little before she caught herself, pursed her lips together, and gave my arm a pinch.

Pediasure Ponder

My sister gave one of my nephews a Pediasure.  After he finished it he asked for another one, she obliged.  After finishing the second Pediasure, he asked her for another.  She told him he may not have a third and he is welcome to water or milk.  He demanded the Pediasure informing my sister that it is good for him because is has vitamins.  My sister told him too many vitamins are not good for his little body.  My nephew stood there thinking for a minute and said, 'If I have too many vitamins will I look like Michael Jackson?'    

Iron clad immune system

I am convinced my 3 year old nephew has the worlds greatest immune system.  One day we were relaxing in the pool house.  It rained the day before so things were still pretty damp all around the patio area.  My sister and I just happened to come out of the pool house in time to see my nephew hoist himself up on his tip toes and in one long disgusting slurp suck all the water that accumulated in the handle of the garbage can! EEWWW!  On another occasion, my sister was washing her SUV while 3 of my nephews played in the yard.  One of them called me to watch how high he can climb one of the trees.  As I walked down the driveway, past my sisters SUV I saw the 3 year old laying on his back with his mouth wide open just like a little baby bird catching the water as it fell from the vehicle and even better the tailpipe.  BLUK!  So yeah, if this kid ever gets sick, it will be news to me! 

Pretty girl

We all have those moments when we say something that by no means is the smartest thing we have ever said.  One day while driving my cousin said, 'Geez that is so stupid!' I said, 'What?'  She said, 'Why in the world would anyone name a bank BLOOD?'   All I could do was look over at her and say, 'It is a very good thing you are so pretty.'  I then very clearly and slowly explained to her that you deposit blood into a blood bank and currencey into the type of bank she had in mind.  I also made sure I told the entire family when we got back home, it wouldn't be fair unless we all got to harrass her!

Holy Heathens

Back in our junior high days Autumn, Phoebe, and I, like most other kids our age were forced to go to church about 3 times a week.  Saturday nights there were usually Lock-Ins at our church.  This is similar to Sunday school plus games but all night and over night.  This was by no means our first Lock In, we agreed to bring flashlights to play with during lights out.  Lights out finally came and so did our flashlights!  About 20 minutes into our flashlight battle, all of the sudden the overhead lights came on, and quickly through the door came 2 of our Confirmation school teachers, 2 police officers, and PASTOR!  We stood there frozen with fear evidence in hand.  The officers saw the lights and thought the church was being robbed, they took a look around and asked us a few questions before leaving.  Pastor talked to us for a LONG time before letting us go back to bed.  Needless to say WE were chosen for alter duty the next morning.  We three stood up there exhausted and trembling trying to hold that huge Bible and candles.

Family game night

Family game night is one of my all time favorite nights!  We are extremely competitive and laugh the entire night. My favorite game is Scattergories, if you are not familiar with the premise of this game - everyone gets identical lists, you roll the die to select 1 letter everything on the list must begin with the designated letter, set the timer, and try to complete the list before time runs out.  The challenge is writing down something no one else in the room writes down.  Being a very close family that spends a lot of time together, results in many like minds.  On occasion, and more often than we would like to admit, the answers to the list are not quite what the makers of the game had in mind. 

Here are some examples of our nonsensical answers:
LIST          LETTER          SILLY ANSWER
A desert                 G             Gello    (not Jello she actually wrote Gello)
Foreign city            F              Frankfort, IL    (not Germany but Illinois)
Something metal     L              Lead     (umm, Lead is made of LEAD)
In the sky               J               Juniper     (not Jupiter - yes folks Juniper)
Famous person      C              Telly Savalas   (no comment)
Name a state         P               Phoenix    (we went to public school)
Street name           J                June bug   (no, not GANG name - sigh)

I am pretty sure alcohol consumption plays a large role in all of these answers, but they are all hilarious! 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Lost and found

When we were small children my parents used to occasionally take us to the zoo.  I loved it!  I particularly loved the lions, they were by far my favorite.  I also love any type of moving water.  I used to beg my parents to allow us to spend extended periods of time at the huge water fountain so I could watch the water flowing in various directions.  One trip we were at the water fountain, my parents were ready to move on to look at something else.  I remember my parents telling me a few times it was time to go, however I was mesmerized and didn't follow them as they walked away.  Once they realized I was gone, they recruited the help of the zoo security.  My Mom described what I was wearing and how I looked 'She has a very light brown complexion and long dark brown hair.'  While my Dad  ran around the zoo looking for me.  My Dad saw a Mexican woman with about 8 small children following her and realized I was one of those small children.  I guess I figured 'Hey we all look alike so I should go with them.'  He ran up to the group and picked me up.  The Mexican woman began yelling at him and demanding he leave me alone.  My Dad explained to her I belonged to him.  The woman took a closer look at me, saw I look exactly like him.  She counted her children, and realized she had one child too many.  She apologized and told my Dad she thinks must have pulled me in with her group at the water fountain.  I remember later that night my parents giving me a very serious talk about Stranger Danger.  

Excellent customer service

At one of my previous jobs, before the store opened we would all huddle together at the front of the store and our boss would give us these little speeches about providing excellent customer service.  He had us repeating motivational chants and various little high five activities.  We all found it to be more entertaining than actually inspiring.  One day he walked up to our huddle and said, 'Good morning everyone! Are you all ready to provide excellent customer service? Kimberly, do YOU have your excellent customer service hat on today?'  I smiled and said 'My excellent customer service hat messes up my hair.  Do you have an excellent customer service pin or something?'  As my coworkers laughed, he looked surprised and couldn't help but to laugh himself. 

Dad's teaching tactics

When it was time for me to learn to ride a bike my Dad, who just happens to be the all time greatest Dad in the whole world, took me out to teach me.  After a few tries I had it the basic hang of it.  I would ride down the street in pure confidence and bliss while my Dad ran along beside me holding the back of my seat.  He would let go of the seat and I continued riding along, but as soon as I noticed he wasnt holding on any longer BOOM!  We went over this again and again, over and over.  I knew he was getting frustrated but I held my ground as well.  We continued this viscous cycle a few more times, until my dad said 'Wait here, I will be right back.'  He then went into the house, minutes later I saw him come out of the house with the belt in his hand.  I jumped on my bike and took off riding down the street.

Fancy feet

I go straight from work to my exercise class.  As a time saver, I pack my gym bag the night before.  While walking out the door to go to work I realize I forgot to pack my gym shoes.  I think 'Todays exercise class is belly dancing and we are barefoot so its ok' and I continue on my way.  Once my exercise class is over I quickly realize that I have to leave wearing a T-shirt, gym shorts, and dark brown dress socks and dress shoes.  I looked like every old man at every picnic you have ever been to.  I laughed at my reflection in the mirror, did my best James Brown dance imitation, and tried to discreetly leave the facility.

A speech & a side show

In our college days my friend Phoebe and I used to go talk to high school kids and tell them the importance of maintaining good grades and going to college.  I typically spoke about the importance of staying focused, not allowing yourself to accept negative influences.  Phoebe spoke about how to register, select classes, and what one can expect while actually in college.  We usually spoke to teens that seemed to be going down a troubled path.  Except for this one time we actually were assigned a bunch of honor students that couldn't wait to get to college.  We knew this lecture was going to be very easy and laid back.  My lecture went very well, I had so much fun talking to and laughing with the kids.  It is now Phoebe's turn, I remain at the front of the classroom but move out of her path of vision.  While she is speaking I pretend to sign what she is saying to the kids.  However this was me standing up there doing the Macarena, YMCA, & pretending I was a Mime.  The kids were roaring with laughter, and every time Phoebe turned to look at me I would immediately stop and pretend to stand quietly. It didn't take very long at all for Phoebe to realize exactly what was going on.  Luckily she has the greatest personality and is a very good sport.

You can almost SEE the fear

On a recent trip to the eye doctor, I signed in at the desk and was told to go to the waiting area until they call my name.  The waiting area is L shaped,  I see about 12 people in the front and only 6 people in the back.  I walk down to where there were less people and take a seat.  In an attempt to avoid boredom I take out my phone and try to get on Facebook but it wouldn't connect.  I then try Twitter, I quickly found it to be boring.  I play Bejeweled 3, but I just wasn't feeling it, oh nevermind I will just sit here.  Eventually I look at the person sitting in front of me and notice she has big black eyes.  I thought 'What the heck is going on with her?'  I look at another person and see the same big black eyes.  At this point fear is quickly rising in my tummy while I casually check the status of everyones eyes.  After confirming everyone in this section is obviously a zombie, I try to plan my escape.  I have to get out of here before one of them hurries over to me and starts eating away at my leg.  I seriously don't have time to become a zombie.  I have to go to work tomorrow, I don't feel like spending my whole weekend in zombie training - this is ridiculous!  Right before my fear turned into panic the woman at the desk calls out my name.  I very quickly and a little too loudly answer 'YES!' and I jump up and almost run to the desk.  On my way to the desk I think 'It is very reckless and dangerous for this office to not clearly mark the zombie section - I should say something.'  It isn't until then that I realize I was in the section for patients that had their eyes dilated and are waiting to go back in to see the doctor.  I could only giggle at myself.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Her bite is worse than her bark

Standing second in line at the checkout, I observe the lady in front of me being very mean to the cashier.  The lady was yelling at the young cashier and the manager called in to resolve the problem.  In addition to a very large and loud mouth, I noticed the lady had a very unfortunate dental situation going on.  By the time the lady walked away the poor little cashier looked like she was ready to cry.  The manager briefly consoled the cashier, I stepped up, in an attempt to cheer up the cashier said, 'Hi, don't worry about anything she said.  She is just mad because she can't get her dentist to return any of her calls.  Her teeth look like they are fighting for position!' They both laughed and the cashier appeared a bit more at ease.

Tooth fairy trouble

My two year old nephew is a bit of a 'Storyteller' (it must run the in the family).  One morning he woke up, made it his top priority to locate me.  Walked directly up to me and said,
Nephew:  'Titi my tooth fell out.'
Me:  'It did? Which tooth?'
Nephew:  'This one' (pointing to one of the teeth still in his mouth)
Me:  'That tooth, still in your mouth fell out?'
Nephew: 'Yeah'
Me:  'Well the tooth fairy sure has her work cut out for her when she comes to get that tooth!'
He cutely smiles up at me and said, 'Yep.'  

Sleepy sibling rivalry

He who holds the TV remote holds all the power (this is a well known fact) late one night my brother and I were in the family room and I had the remote.  My never ending desire to torture my brother made me turn the TV to Home Shopping Network, Antiques Road Show, and other channels I knew he wouldn't like. 
Brother:  'Turn to something good, I know you are doing this on purpose.'
Me:  'What? This is my favorite show!'
Brother:  'Stop playing, give me the remote.'
Me:  'That's not going to happen.'
He huffed and announced he was going to go to bed.  I said, 'And good riddance to you!'  At this point my eyes began getting heavy, and I am falling asleep, however I don't dare let the remote slip out of my grasp.  Unbeknownst to me, my brother army crawled down the hall, back into the family room, positioning himself directly behind me as I lay on the couch.  He began to very quietly chant my name 'Kim Kim Kim' in the exact same fashion Friday the 13th makes their 'Cha Cha Cha' sound.  I quickly awoke, looked around, shrugged it off, changed the channel, then began falling back asleep.  Again and a little louder I heard, 'Kim Kim Kim'  I sat up, muted the TV, looked around, waited a few seconds, disregarded my fear and relaxed. A few moments later I hear a tiny bit louder 'Kim Kim Kim'  Ok this time I know for sure I heard it!  I called the family dog (a 80 pound pedigree red Pitbull) directed him to lay on the floor in front of the couch, I very hesitantly lay back down.  It took a few minutes, eventually my exhaustion reared its ugly head and I began to fall back asleep.  I heard a loud voice directly behind my head say 'KIM KIM RAAAAH!' My brother came up and over the couch and grabbed me.  I scream in sheer terror, the dog jumps up and starts barking, I am now shaking and in tears, my brother is laughing so hard he has tears rolling down his face, then here comes our Dad running down the hall wearing only his boxer shorts holding his pistol in the air.  Surprised, we looked at him, I am still crying, brother still laughing.  Dad said, 'What's going on in here!?!'  Through tears I pointed at my giggling sibling and said, 'He scared me!'  My Dad looked angrily at both of us and said, 'Everybody go to bed! Turn everything off and GO TO BED!' he then turned around and walked back to his bedroom.  My brother looked at me, picked the remote up off the couch, tossed it to me, chuckled again, and said, 'Night Night little Sis.'       

Reason #810 I don't talk to my coworkers

Typically, I keep to myself while at any of my work places.  I don't go out of my way to engage in any conversation.  One day my workplace catered lunch for all of us.  One of the trays of food contained pickles, my coworker was going on and on about her intense love for pickles.  I was not going to eat the pickle on my plate so I politely offered it to her -
Me:  'Would you like my dill pickle?'
Coworker:  'What flavor is it?'
Me:  'What flavor is the DILL pickle?'
Coworker:  'Yes'
Me:  'Umm, Chocolate?'

Gas station

One Halloween my BFFs Lani took her two younger children out Trick-Or-Treating. Before taking the kids out she ate two sugar free chocolate covered caramels.  Ultimately the candy gave her major and constant gas.  Her daughter looked up at her and said, 'Mom, stop farting!' My brilliant and ever comedic Lani looked down at her beautiful daughter and said, 'What? This is my costume, I'm a gas station.'