Monday, January 28, 2013

Gyrating train wreck

While standing in the checkout line patiently waiting to purchase my groceries, a cute elderly Caucasian couple stepped into line behind me. The gentleman told his wife he was going to go get the car and pull it to the front doors. The wife smiled, then nodded, and off he went. I turned and focused my attention on carefully placing my items on the moving belt. Shortly thereafter, I heard a fast and upbeat ring tone begin to play, the words in the ring tone were as follows: "What you talkin' bout fool?, I'mma jack you up fool!" Now remember the last time I looked behind me, what I saw did not quite match this 'urban' type ring tone. Surprised, I looked up and saw a young voluptuous African American woman stepped into line. She excitedly said, "Dis my song!" and began to dance and shake parts of her body you very seldomly see shakin, movin, and groovin in the check out line. She then reached into her bra and pulled out her cell phone, never breaking her dance routine. The first few seconds of taking in this visual oddity, I couldn't help but stand there, mouth open, staring in disbelief. Once the initial shock wore off I looked at the previously mentioned little old lady. I giggled because she was now standing directly beside me and trying not to look directly at the gyrating train wreck behind us. She looked up at me with a lost look in her eyes. I leaned in a bit closer to her and said, 'Don't worry, I'm scared too.' She laughed, gently grabbed then let go of my arm, and a look of relief came over her cute little face. I finished the transaction and just before leaving, I looked back at my new little friend and said, "Peace out homie!" She giggled, gave me the cutest little smile and wave, and sweetly said, "See you later Jack!"

Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! ~ Review

I was fortunate enough to take my little princesses to see Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! I may have enjoyed this wonderful show more than my babies! Disney really out did themselves to assure everyone would be entertained the entire time. We cheered, clapped our hands, danced, and sang the entire night. We enjoyed every minute of it, from voguing mermaids to rump shaking ugly step-sisters! Every princess was beautiful, as was the singing, and skating. There were lots of awesome surprises throughout the entire show! Please don't miss out on this amazing unforgettable bonding moment with your princesses, your princes will also enjoy this larger than life Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! in Chicagoland Playing Allstate arena Jan. 23-27 and United Center Jan. 30-Feb. 10 with FREE PARKING in all official arena parking lots. Get your tickets today at Ticketmaster!

My readers save 40% on weekday shows and 20% on weekend shows and holidays with promo code MOM3.

Allstate Arena Jan 23-27: Save 40% or 20% with promo code: MOM3


United Center Jan 30-Feb 20: Save 40% or 20% with promo code: MOM3


Monday, January 21, 2013

Box spring brutality

I recently purchased a new box spring, my beautiful sister Monica helped me by driving her SUV.  We mildly struggled positioning and tying the box spring to the top of her truck.  The fact that it was twenty three degrees and it began raining did not improve on the situation.  After we tied the box spring we held on to it as we drove home.  Now, here we are driving home, it's twenty three degrees, it's raining, we have both front windows down and our arms out the windows clinging to the box spring.  Our gloves (created to provide warmth) literally became super absorbent sponges for the ice cold rain water.  Very quickly the water began running down our arms all the way down to our armpits, the chill was almost unbearable.  We finally arrived at my apartment complex, Monica pulled up right in front of the door to my building.  It seemed the temperature had dropped even more, but it was likely because half of our upper bodies were drenched in frigid rain water.  As quickly as we could we untied the box spring.  Luckily it was completely wrapped in a protective plastic cover.  We did not take into consideration that a large amount of water had accumulated on top of the box spring.  Needless to say, as we lowered the box spring a major rush of ice water came pouring down on top of us.  The two of us stood stunned from the overwhelming chill we felt from head to toe.  Monica quickly recovered and said, 'Lets, just keep moving, the hard part is over, this can't get worse.'  Luckily box springs are pretty light, with Monica leading the way, we had no problem lifting it up and carrying it to the door.  The only problem we had is it was a windy night, however, gripping the box spring a little tighter we did just fine.  The door to my apartment building is always locked, we made it to the door, stopped, and I went to unlock it while Monica held the box spring steady.  I unlocked the door, pulled it open, and stepped back so Monica could pull the box spring into the doorway.  I safely stepped backwards off of the tall step, however I forgot about this tiny little inch and a half step below that one.  I stepped on the edge of the dangerous little step, lost my footing, fell backwards into the large amount of water pooling in the uneven cement in front of the doorway.  When I say I fell down, I mean I fell all the way down, my legs flew up, as did my jacket and shirt.  Monica, watching the entire thing, could not help it and began laughing hysterically.  I felt a sharp pain in my foot, but he great chance of someone observing my impromptu gymnastics was horrifying and I tried to get up as quickly as possible.  Right then the direction of the wind changed, Monica now weak from laughing, accidentally let go of the box spring and it came down clobbering me, putting me right back down into the frigid muddy pool I just escaped.  At this point we both were laughing our heads off!  Monica was laughing so hard I could hardly understand her when she said, 'Aahhh ha ha ha ha, I have to pee! Ha ha ha ha!'  I got up and we pulled and pushed the box spring into the doorway.  It was harder than it should have been because we were both drained of energy and doubled over laughing.  I couldn't ignore the horrible pain shooting through my foot, ankle, and up my calf.  It didn't make it any easier that I live in a second floor apartment.  We made our way up the stairs and I opened my apartment door.  Monica immediately let go of the box spring, sprinted into my apartment and directly into the bathroom.  Still laughing, I said, 'It's OK, I got it, by the way my foot really hurts.'  I pulled, pushed, and wiggled the box spring into my apartment.  Right as I bent over laying it down on the floor, Monica came out of the bathroom, saw my soaked backside, and once again began laughing uncontrollably.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror behind me, it looked like I drank a super big gulp and pee'd my pants.  This sent us both right back into hysterics.  We were definitely a sight, both standing there soaking wet and dripping with ice cold rain water.  The pain in my foot was so bad that the next day I had to go to my doctor's office.  The entire time I explained how I hurt my foot, the doctor and nurse were both laughing, wiping tears out of their eyes, and apologizing.  Jokingly, I asked them for proof that they attended sensitivity training.  It turns out I sprained my ankle and foot.  Later on that same day Monica called me and told me she regrets laughing, because she accidentally fell down the steps.  It's safe to say that balance and grace runs pretty strongly in our family - that and a newly found fear of box springs.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Red Bull vs Corporate America

At one point in my life I worked for a fortune 500 company.  Corporate America can be a bit restricting, while working in corporate America, quiet and productive is the safest road to travel.  I recall one particular morning my coworker Luciana was very sluggish.  A night of partying left her exhausted to the point where she almost army crawled in to work.  She said she desperately needed a quick pick me up.  We suggested a nice cup of coffee, Luciana declined our offer stating she didn't like the taste.  I suggested she go to the Cafe and look for something with caffeine.  Luciana agreed, left, and eventually returned holding a tall can of Red Bull.  She slowly walked back to her desk, slumped down into her chair, and began sipping her tall can of 'quick pick me up.'  The rest of us paid little notice to her and went on about our business.  Moments later we heard an impromptu drum solo.  Surprised, we looked at each other, I leaned in her direction and said, 'Hey, Drumline!" she was so into her drumming she almost didn't hear me.  Luciana looked up at me, smiled, and said, 'What uuup!?'  I said, 'Are you OK lady?'  She quickly grabbed the empty can, held it up and asked, 'Dude! Have you ever had this?'  I laughed and said, 'Yes.'   She said, 'I never had it before, oh my gosh, it is SO GOOD!'  I giggled and said, 'Yeah, it is! OK easy killer, try to keep it to a low roar over here.'  She jumped up out of her chair, gave each of us enthusiastic high fives and skipped off to go on break.  We laughed and resumed our work.  We probably should have known this was only the beginning when we saw her skipping back down the hallway in the other direction waving to us as she skipped by.  She returned with the same heightened level of energy.  Luciana was talking more than she usually does and at a much faster pace.  We did our best to ignore her antics hoping she would calm down and quietly work, however that was not on her list of things to do.  At one point she took off her shoes and gave herself a pedicure.  Next Luciana spent a good amount of time spinning around and around in her desk chair.  Finally lunch time came, we encouraged her to eat a hearty lunch so the food can soak up whatever Red Bull was left in her tummy.  She agreed, stood up,  and actually did a cartwheel out of her cubicle on her way out to lunch.  We laughed hysterically, we had no idea cartwheels were corporate America approved.  When Luciana returned holding yet another Red Bull we looked at each other, feeling both entertained and defeated at the same time.  I got up to go to the printer and saw her cubicle covered with about 100 yellow post-its.  It was at that moment I knew Luciana didn't need to have Red Bull at work ever again.  A supervisor finally walked by our area, the unsuspecting supervisor couldn't help but see the bright yellow cubicle.  She came over and talked to Luciana about the importance of avoiding wasting office supplies.  It took every ounce of composure we had to keep from laughing.  I guess the Red Bull marketers knew they couldn't list everything in the commercials.  'Red Bull gives you wings, awesome skipping skills, high five power, olympic chair spins, cartwheels ...' - the commercial would never end! 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam

Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam is the most exciting form of family motorsports entertainment on the planet. The stars of the show are the biggest performers on four wheels: the Monster Jam trucks! The twelve-feet-tall, ten-thousand-pound machines will bring you to your feet, racing and ripping up a custom-designed track full of obstacles to soar over - OR smash through. The 2013 touring season brings more Monster Jam excitement with the celebration of Maximum Destruction's 10th Anniversary providing entertainment tailored perfectly for your family's budget, and these colorful, larger-than-life beasts are sure to capture the hearts of both young and old. We sold out all 5 shows last year, so get your tickets EARLY! Playing Allstate Arena Feb. 8-10.

CLICK HERE to save 33% off tickets with promo code MOM3.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Altar awkwardness

As a child you see some family members so often you begin to view them as siblings.  This was the case with my God brother Mike, consequently you grow up and life takes you in different directions.  Luckily we reconnected a few months ago, he introduced me to his beautiful fiance Alexandra.  I was thrilled to learn they were getting married very soon.  To my surprise shortly thereafter he called me extending an invitation to there upcoming nuptials. I happily and eagerly accepted the invite.  I was so excited you'd think it was my wedding.  Driving to the venue, to my dismay there was more traffic than usual and a road block due to some type of a festival.  Forcing me to take an unfamiliar route, going the opposite direction.  I felt my frustration rising as time ticked away, the last thing I wanted to do was arrive late.  At last, and only a few minutes late, I saw the Mansion and hurriedly pulled into the parking lot.  I immediately noticed there we no other cars (at that time didn't know the Mansion has two parking lots).  Puzzled, I also didn't see anyone walking around outside.  I wondered, 'Did I get the date wrong?' 'Why don't I see any familiar cars?'  I considered leaving but wanted to at least go take a look inside.  I approached the seemingly vacant Mansion.  I tried to open a door but it was locked, I walked around the building to another door, discovered it was open.  I quietly stepped inside and looked around.  I heard people talking and moving, following the sound I saw a sign on a door that had my God brother's name on it.  Happy to find conformation I continued on to a large beautifully decorated ballroom filled with workers frantically rushing to prepare for the reception.  I asked a women where the ceremony was being held, she told me to go back up the stairs, down the hallway, stay to the left, and it will take me directly to the chapel.  I thanked her and quickly followed her precise instruction.  My frustration was gone and excitement returned.  Walking along I came to a spot in the long hallway where it forked into two directions.  I thought to myself, 'The woman said, "Stay left" so I better stay left.' I walked up to a door that had another sign with Mike's name on it just like the one downstairs.  I could hear soft music playing and the sound of people trying to be as quiet as they could.  Relived, I gently and quietly opened the door.  Stepping through the doorway, looking behind me, never letting go of the door assuring it didn't slam shut.  I heard the gentle and quiet click of the door closing and turned around to walk into the chapel.  I stopped in my tracks, I turned around only to realize I was standing on the altar!  There I was facing everyone in the entire chapel.  Mike looked up at me, smiled and let out a tiny little giggle, my pretty God sisters were standing in the line of bridesmaids.  One looking at me equally as surprised, the other was flat out laughing at me, behind them sat a few hundred of my long lost friends and family.  The only thing hotter than all of the lights shining down on me was the heat coming off of my face, now red from embarrassment.  Listening to the sounds of increasing giggles, I did my best to speed walk off the altar, as I passed my laughing God sister she discreetly slapped my backside.  I hurried to the nearest pew, right as I sat down, louder music played, doors opened, and everyone stood as the strikingly beautiful bride emerged.  I was thankful for something to take away the attention.  As predicted, many of my family members could not pass on this great opportunity to jokingly give me a hard time about my entrance.  During the reception the handsome couple took time to greet their guests.  When they made their way to me, Mike laughed, gave me a hug, and said, "If you wanted to be in the wedding you should have just told me!"  Thank goodness they have a great sense of humor.  The wedding was beautiful and the reception was a blast.  There were smiles as far as the eye can see.  I am 100% certain Mike and Alexandra will live happily ever after.