Monday, September 16, 2013

Disney magic = memories to last a lifetime

Disney On Ice Celebrates 100 Years of Magic!

This show is 100% amazing!  My family and I loved every single minute of it!  We were impressed by the great attention to detail and the grace and beauty of the performers.  They were very interactive with the crowd.  This show is enjoyable for both adults and kids, I found myself clapping and cheering just as happily as the children.  This show was a nice walk down memory lane, many times I felt just like a kid again.  I very strongly recommend you go see the Disney magic first hand, I guarantee it will be a choice you will not regret.  Please do not pass on this moment to make memories that will surely last a lifetime.  Many many years from now your kids will easily recall the day you took them to see the beautiful wonderful magic that only Disney can bring.  
Join the celebration as 65 of Disney's unforgettable characters from 18 beloved stories come to life in Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic!  You'll be captivated by the one and only Mickey Mouse, the irresistible Minnie Mouse, Goofy, Donald Duck, Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio and many Disney Princesses.  Be thrilled by exciting moments from The Lion King; Mulan; and Disney/Pixar’s Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, and Toy Story films; in a skating spectacular filled with magical Disney moments you'll remember forever as Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic!

With FREE parking and tickets starting at $13, there’s no better value in Chicagoland.  Playing United Center Sept. 11-15Get your tickets today!

My readers can Save 40% on weekday performances (Mon-Thurs. and Friday matinees, excluding holidays) and 20% on weekend shows.  Use promo code MOM3 to receive savings.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Disney Trivia Challenge

How well do YOU know Disney?

Copy the link below and paste into a new browser to complete the Disney Trivia Challenge

Then join ME celebrating 65 of Disney's unforgettable characters from 18 beloved stories come to life in Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic!  You'll be captivated by the one and only Mickey Mouse, the irresistible Minnie Mouse, Goofy, Donald Duck, Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio and many Disney Princesses.  Be thrilled by exciting moments from The Lion King; Mulan; and Disney/Pixar’s Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, and Toy Story films; in a skating spectacular filled with magical Disney moments you'll remember forever as Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic!

With FREE parking and tickets starting at $13, there’s no better value in Chicagoland.  Playing United Center Sept. 11-15Get your tickets today!

My readers can Save 40% on weekday performances (Mon-Thurs. and Friday matinees, excluding holidays) and 20% on weekend shows.  Use promo code MOM3 to receive savings.


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Disney On Ice Celebrates 100 Years of Magic!

Join the celebration as 65 of Disney's unforgettable characters from 18 beloved stories come to life in Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic!  You'll be captivated by the one and only Mickey Mouse, the irresistible Minnie Mouse, Goofy, Donald Duck, Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio and many Disney Princesses.  Be thrilled by exciting moments from The Lion King; Mulan; and Disney/Pixar’s Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, and Toy Story films; in a skating spectacular filled with magical Disney moments you'll remember forever as Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic!

With FREE parking and tickets starting at $13, there’s no better value in Chicagoland.  Playing United Center Sept. 11-15Get your tickets today!

My readers can Save 40% on weekday performances (Mon-Thurs. and Friday matinees, excluding holidays) and 20% on weekend shows.  Use promo code MOM3 to receive savings.

Sunday, June 2, 2013


This work is dedicated to my best friend Melani Granda and her mother Cynthia Terzick two wonderfully loving women.

By Kimberly D. Garrett

Second City Training Center Chicago 
04/23/2013 (Version #4)

Rakell – 30's
Erik – 30's
Waitress – 20's

Rakell & Erik are set up on a blind date, &
meet for the first time at local sports bar.
(Erik approaches, Rakell is already seated)


Yes, hi, Erik?

Yep, it's nice to meet you.

Thank you, it's nice to meet you too. Have a seat.

(The waitress approaches)

Hello there, my name is Jasmine can I start you two off with some drinks?

Yeah, cool,  let me get a Bacardi 151

Well, we usually use that as a base.  What would you like that with?

Ice, oh and make it a double.


I'd like a Margarita please.

No problem, I'll be right back with your drinks.

You don't drink a lot do you?

No I typically drink socially.

OK cool. So what do you do?

I am a Polysomnographer.

Say what girl? What is that?

I read brain waves, heart rhythms, and respiratory patterns looking for abnormalities.

Dang girl, you must be smart huh?

I like to think so, I really enjoy it. So how do you like working at Costco with my BFF Sadie?

It's cool, it's cool, I've worked there for 10 years. Sadie is cool as hell, we just be cracking jokes all day.

Oh yeah, I love her. 10 years, wow, are you like the store manager?

(Waitress returns with drink order,
 & not impressed when overhears court
situation while putting drinks on table)

Nah, I'm a cashier, but right now I'm suspend... I'm on a leave of absence because I have a few court cases going on and I have to miss a lot of days.

(Sympathetically puts hand on Rakell's shoulder)
Let me know if you need anything.

(Looks up at waitress smiles and nods)
What are your pending court cases? Is it like speeding or parking tickets, or some type of traffic violation?

Nah, one is for drug possession, but I think Imma be good because I didn't even have any drugs. They raided my boy's house and he is the one that had the drugs. I was just sitting there. And my other case is for carrying a concealed weapon but I'm fighting that one too man, because, I even told, that cop I had a knife.

(Turns to call waitress)
Jasmine! Well, I hope everything works out in your favor.

(Waitress approaches)
Hi, are you OK? I mean what can I get for you?  The check maybe?
Yes! Please, I need a shot.

Hey, let me get another Bacardi 151 double.

(Pauses & looks at Erik as if
he is crazy, then walks away)
Sure thing, I'll be right back.

Are you sure you don't drink a lot?

Yes, I'm sure. Is there a problem?

No, no, it's cool. Do you live around here?

Yes my apartment is only about 20 minutes away from here.

Do you have roommates or kids?
I live alone, and no kids, not yet anyway. I'd like to get married first. I'd like to look into buying a house in a few years. How about you, any roommates or kids?

I live with my Moms and she cooks and cleans and everything, so it's like I have a roommate and a maid – it's cool as hell! As far as the shorties, none that I'm claimin' – you know what I'm saying. So how many guys have you slept with?
Excuse me!?
(Waitress returns with drink order, puts
drinks on table, hears question, accidentally
intentionally spills his drink on him)  

HEY! Watch it, ugh, this ain't cool!

Woopsie, I'm sorry about that. Let me go get something to clean that up with.
(Happily walks away)

Be cool girl, I'm just trying to get to know you.                                                                                               RAKELL
(Begins fidgeting with her cell phone)
Well there are some things you just don't ask a lady. Especially not on the first date.

My bad girl. I see you got your phone out, let me give you my number. I'm on minutes so you can call me weekdays after 9PM and all day on weekends and holidays. Oh, & if you call and a female answers hang up. That's my ex, we aint together anymore but we just kick it a lot.

(Turns to call waitress)
Wow.    Jasm...

(Is right there before Rakell can say her full name)
Here is your check.

Thank you.   Well its getting late, and I have to get up pretty early in the morning so I better call it a night.

OK cool, you want me to go with you?

NO! It's just that I'm tired and I have work.
It's cool. Hey, I need you to do me a favor before we go.

What is it?

The judge had them put this thing in my car, it aint no big deal, and you have to blow in it to start it, and I need you to just come on out and blow into it real quick for me.

Are you kidding me? Is that why you were all weird about my drinking?

Cool out girl, don't be like that. It's the least you could do. Hey, if you aint going to blow me one way, you can at least blow me in another way.

Go blow yourself!
(Quickly leaves the table)

(Waitress returns to start clearing table)

(Leans in seductively)
Hey what's up girl? Do you drink a lot?


Sunday, April 21, 2013

The stench of embarrassment

If anyone out there is interested in trying to embarrass me, please rest assured I have that department under control all on my own.  Seriously, no one can embarrass me like I can.  I pulled into my apartment complex, parked my car, then felt the strong urge to pass gas.  As I got out of my car I noticed a family unloading groceries right next to me, so I held it in.  Keys in hand, I hurried to the building and quickly entered.  As soon a I entered the building I began ascending the steps leading up to my floor.  Happy to be alone, I began to relax and release,
Once I reached the top of that particular set of stairs I happened to turn and look up towards the next set.  I saw a young man sitting on the steps looking at me wild-eyed in disbelief.  Immediately I felt my face heat up with embarrassment.  I looked at him, smiled, and sweetly said, 'You're excused."  then I hurried down the hall to the safety of my sweet smelling apartment, far away from the stink of stairway embarrassment. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Tip your waitress

Yesterday I went to Kohl's, I noticed a lot of people waiting to pay for their purchases.  As I walked towards the shopping carts, one of the Kohl's associates was also walking to that area.  We both stopped to allow passage, the associate said, 'Do you need a cart?'  I said, 'Yes, please.' She pulled out two carts and said, 'Would you like this one, or this one?', pushing them both forward.  One was a standard type cart, the other had a baby seat in the front.  (I'm not sure if I just happened to have everyones attention or if I was talking too loudly)  Jokingly, I said, 'Well, since I left the baby in the car, I'll take the regular one.'  The next thing I knew everyone in the immediate area was laughing their heads off.  The associate was doubled over the cart laughing hysterically.  Still laughing, the associate gave me the cart and said, 'Did you crack the windows?'  I looked at her with a very serious face and said, 'DUH!' The shoppers continued giggling, the associate kept laughing and said, 'And you glued a bottle to its hand, so it's no problem.'  I smiled and nodded.  As I turned to walk away, I stopped, turned back to the giggling associate and smiling shoppers.  Maintaining a straight face, I asked 'Babies like Gin right?' That last comment was all it took to send all of them back into hysterics.  Right before I walked away, I said, 'Tip your waitress!' 
You never know what private battles people are dealing with. Any one of those people could have been having a horrible day or past few days, and that may have been their only laugh. 
Feeling triumphant, I walked away with a smile.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Elevator survival skills

After work we rush to the elevator as we are pretty anxious to leave for the day.  The elevator is 100% fully functional about half the time.  At first the ride down to the lobby was normal, then all of the sudden the elevator stopped.  I pressed the L button and the elevator resumed it's voyage.  Once again the elevator stopped, this time with a very noticeable jerk.  Again, I pressed the button but this time nothing happened.  We all looked at each other, one of my coworkers suggested pressing the button again.  I did, but still there was no movement.  Many times, I am my own worst enemy because my mind takes me places I really shouldn't be.  Once I realized we could potentially be stuck in the elevator I immediately thought of the movie 'Devil.'  If you have never seen this movie SPOILER ALERT! It is about 5 people stuck in an elevator and one of them is the devil. As you probably guessed, people started dying.  Iinitially they didn't know who the killer was, turns out it was the cute little old lady.  I turned around to size up who exactly I was going to have to fight to the death.  My new enemies seemed pretty nonthreatening, a bit relieved, I relaxed.  Then I saw her, standing behind a tall young woman was a little old lady!  I tensed right back up and never took my eyes off of her.  Our little devil in disguise said she was feeling claustrophobic and moved from the back corner of the elevator to front and center, standing directly beside me.  I thought to myself, 'Bring it on Nana! You don't want any of this!'  Luckily before my mind was able to really make me do something to completely embarrass myself the elevator resumed it's travel to the lobby.  I never ever took my eyes off of her and I am not proud of the fact that when we finally did make it to the lobby I made absolutely sure that I was the first one out of the elevator.  I am even less proud to share that right when the doors opened I did a quick turning side step backing my way out of her evil plan.  I am pretty sure  my swift 'cat like' movement reinforced to Nana that I was on to her dastardly shenanigans!  For the record my behavior is not proof of insanity, I prefer to classify it is finely tuned survival skills.   

Monday, March 18, 2013

Armelda M. Whitlock-Harrill

Busy busy busy
Hurry hurry hurry

Everything is perfect and beautiful, but today the bar has been raised in preparation.

The air smells sweet, the flowers have bloomed more beautifully than ever before, and the music is playing joyfully, soulfully, perfectly. 

At the same time the sun is shining bright and the stars are twinkling both with great anticipation.

Beautiful and handsome dressed in their very best, everyone excitedly waits.

The grandest and most joyful celebration in Heaven's history began as is happily welcomed home the sweet, joyful, soulful, shining, twinkling, beautiful Armelda M. Whitlock-Harrill.

I love you Grandma. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Unfortunate nicknames

My older Brother is a retired professional basketball player. He played all over the world, and if you've ever had the pleasure of seeing him in action, you know he is blessed on top of blessed athletically.  Between seasons he would come home to spend much needed time with all of us.  He also hosted annual Pro Am (professionals and amateurs) basketball camps at Triton College. Eager and talented young hoop dreamers from all over the United States of America attended his camp. Unbeknownst to them, he invited many agents and coaches from all over the world to come sit in on his camp scouting for new talent. I am very proud of my big brother because he has literally made the dreams of many young men come true by sending them off to pay professional basketball overseas. In addition to being a skilled athlete, big brother is also 100% entrepreneur. He knows how to make a dollar, how to save a dollar, and he knew exactly which of his family and friends he could sweet talk into sitting in a hot gym for two weeks.  Watching super hot basketball men run up and down the gym all day somehow eased my pain.   Plus, it was a private camp/closed gym and I was the only female there - JACKPOT! When the men arrived they had to check in and register with me, pay any remaining camp fees, submit their basketball playing time highlights tapes/DVDs, and pick up their team assignment, number, and shirt. There were definitely men that stood out showing tremendous athletic ability, we knew for sure they would make it to camp playoffs. There were also men that stood our for other reasons. These reasons were less than brag-worthy. I recall one guy went to great lengths to warm up, he ran extra laps around the gym, did lots of push ups in the bleachers, and repeatedly slapped himself in the face. There was another guy that wore huge dark 'gas station' glasses, and would only take them off when he was on the court. Another guy looked exactly like the character 'Alice' from the old Popeye cartoons. Another guy looked like the little alien from the 80's camp movie "Meatballs" - we called him 'Meathead'.   My brother shares my sharp comedic wit, so we were able to pretty quickly assign many of the players hilarious nicknames. However, there was one guy that stood out, there was something different about him and we just couldn't figure out what it was. At the end of day one of camp, we went home and watched every single highlight tape and took notes. We don't watch the tapes in any particular order but when it was time to watch the tape Mr. Something-about-him-but-what-the-heck-is-it? submit, I don't know if it was because we were extremely tired or if it was just an epiphany, but we instantly looked at each other and knew exactly what it was. This guy was a tall guy, lean and muscular, typical for most basketball players. At the beginning of his highlights DVD there were multiple clips of him crossing over - this is when you quickly dribble the basketball in front of you, bouncing the ball from one hand to your other hand repeatedly making the letter V. It was at that moment we realized for a man of his height he had very short arms! Again, I'm not sure if it was fatigue settling in but we found this hysterical! We had to watch that part of his highlights over and over again. Laughing more and more each time. We laughed so hard and loud that everyone in the house came downstairs. Our family is full of comedians so I struggled not to pee my pants while watching two of my brothers act out various scenarios that a person with short arms would have a heightened bit of difficulty carrying out. For example, I watched them struggle to do push ups, spanking someone, making pancakes, eating a meal, and putting on socks. The cherry on the cake was watching them screaming in frustration exactly the way you would imagine a T-Rex would, during their demonstrations. For the record we are not complete jerks, and we never told 'Terry' and/or 'Short Arms McGee' his funny nicknames. However at random times during practice and games, you would typically find my brother and I giggling and/or giving each other nods and smiling if he crossed over, shot a free throw, or made layups.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Pirouetting butt slapper

I recently took a typical trip to the grocery store to pick up a few necessities.  As I made my way to the registers, I quickly scanned the open check out lines picking the best of the worst.  I stepped into line behind a dad shopping with his young daughter.  The little girl looked to be about 4 years old.  I watched his hyper little cutie get into the candy, dishevel the magazine display, and dance all around her seeming oblivious daddy.  I moved to the side of my cart to organize my groceries so I can quickly put them on the moving belt.  While I was peering down into my cart, moving things around, the precocious little sprite danced her way between her daddy my cart and slapped his butt on the way by.  He turned around, looked at me, and smiled.  Surprised, I looked at him and pointed to his now pirouetting child.  He put his hand out (for me to shake) and said, 'Hi my name is John.'  I laughed and said, 'Hi, you know I didn't touch you right?'  I guess none of that registered with him because he the next thing he said was, 'Do you live around here?'  I just stared at him wild eyed.  Thank goodness the person in front of him walked away, and I said, 'Look, it's your turn!'  John turned to focus his attention on the cashier.  A moment later the little girl looked at me and gave me a little mischievous smile.  I looked back at her and stuck my tongue out at her, she giggled and resumed her dance routine. 

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Rogue Roomba iRobot

I have recently come to realize getting a Roomba iRobot is similar to adoption.  Some people get good ones and some people end up with not so good ones.  Like most, I was thrilled and beaming with joy as I brought home my little bundle of joy.  Looking back, I don't know how long I was in denial.  I should have noticed the warning signs as they were immediately obvious.  One of the intentions of this awesome vacuum is to free up time so you can accomplish other things while the iRobot nicely cleans your home.  I admit the first time I used my Roomba I chased it all over my apartment marveling at how well it worked.  The next time I used it, after turning it on I went on about my business cooking and cleaning.  Still excited about the wonders of the awesome new addition to our family, I would occasionally stop and go check on the Roomba.  One of the times I discovered a trail of shredded tissue.  To this day I still have no idea where the iRobot found the tissue.  Immediately after I walk through the front door, I take off my shoes and neatly place them to the side and out of the way.  I noticed my shoes were separated from each other and appeared as if I haphazardly kicked them off.  Both the shoes, and tissue incidents reminded of the antics of a rambunctious little puppy.   I am not certain if it is paybacks for chasing it around the first time I used it, or if some sort of codependency built up in the vacuum, but this time the tables had turned and the Roomba chased me all over the apartment.  I had to move out of the way and jump over the vacuum so often, thoughts of filing a restraining order danced through my head.  The possibly sexually frustrated Roomba constantly gets stuck trying to drive itself up the base of the pole lamp.  More often than I'd like to admit I find myself rescuing my apparently sexy lamp from being assaulted by the endlessly humping iRobot.  I don't know if I will be able to recover from the embarrassment I will endure if I have to take a day off work to go downtown and register my vacuum as a sex offender in the state of Illinois.  Maybe my Roomba has some unresolved issues that requires medication?  Do you think the Health Care Reform requires insurance companies to cover small appliance mental health issues?  Due to drunken patterns, repeatedly vacuuming the same spots while completely ignoring others, and continuously getting itself stuck in the same places,  I now lock the liquor cabinet.  My Roomba has begun demonstrating self hating destructive behavior.  It is almost as if it were human, it would be a 'cutter'.  I feel so all alone, because there is no (800) number or outreach support group for this issue.  When using the iRobot I have to keep a watchful eye on it at all times.  Also, just as a safety precaution, I don't leave my purse out when Roomba is around.  Maybe it's me?  Maybe Roomba is just very misunderstood?  I just never thought I would have to take a Xanax every time I vacuumed.  Just kidding ~ I love my Roomba!  In all seriousness, I am only slightly afraid of it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Little Ms. Loose Bladder

Recently my cousin Rakell and I made plans to have a fun game night at my house.  Our fun game night grew into a small party due to a handful of unexpected friends stopping by.  My close friends are aware that I don't encourage unexpected visits however, if you bring a nice beverage with you I will happily turn the other cheek.  Our game night quickly turned from Wii games to drinking games.  Rakell (who is always fun and awesome) already planned to spend the night, however her (barely tolerable when sober but extremely annoying when drunk) friend Sonia drank too much to drive home.  I was worried that Sonia would unknowingly do something undesirable in her drunken state while we slept.  I told Rakell she had to babysit her ditsy drunken disaster.  As Rakell set up a place for Ms. Drunky Drunkerton to sleep, she repeatedly told her exactly how to get to the bathroom.  Rakell kept repeating, "Down the hall, tinkle left. Down the hall, tinkle left."  Sonia drunkenly nodded her head and slurred, 'Tinkle left, tinkle left.'  Thankfully, I am a very light sleeper, seriously, if the wind changes direction - I hear it.  A few hours later I heard Sonia struggling to get herself up from the air mattress.  I will admit, I did enjoy hearing her struggle.  I did not enjoy hearing her loudly bump into my living room side table and the sound of my digital photo frame crashing to the floor.  The next thing I knew Sonia came barreling through the bedroom door.  I knew I should have bet Rakell that her drunken disaster would not be able to tell her left from her right.  I loudly said, 'This is NOT the bathroom!'  I heard the sound of clothing moving, I quickly jumped out of bed and rushed to Sonia who was now in a crouching position.  To my horror, I felt warm a liquid sprinkling down into my toes.  I screamed for Rakell as I grabbed Sonia and tried to pull her up to a standing position.  While it is true that Rakell and I share a large amount of DNA, our sleeping habits are drastically different - the girl sleeps like a rock!  I continued yelling Rakell's name while I struggled with the dead weight.  I also found myself seriously regretting wearing socks to bed.  Finally, Rakell woke up and turned on the light.  As light filled the room it revealed the puzzled look on Rakell's face as she saw me wrestling with Sonia - who was naked from the waist down.  Together we managed to get little Ms. Loose Bladder to the bathroom.  Rakell knew I was furious and immediately apologized for her friend and began cleaning up the mess.  A little time went by and she still hadn't emerged from the bathroom.  I asked Rakell to check on her, it was both maddening and comical when I heard Rakell open the bathroom door and say, 'Girl, why are you in the tub!?!'  All I could do, (after taking off and throwing away my socks) was lay down on my bed and listen to Rakell trying to deal with her hot mess of a friend.  The next morning Sonia had absolutely no recollection of her actions.  Sonia looked embarrassed as we filled her in on every single detail.  As a result, she kindly bought us all breakfast.  That was the one and only time Sonia will ever sleep under my roof.         

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Decontaminated derriere

After we spent almost the entire day touring various wineries in the area, I went to Denny's for a late night dinner with my very close friends Jennily, Beto, and Stacey.  I don't recall how it started but every time Jennily and I go to Denny's we have a hot chocolate drinking contest.  However this time was a bit of a challenge, Jennily and I didn't stop to think that hot chocolate wouldn't mix well with our tummies full of wine.  Stacey being her naturally hilarious self, sat telling joke after joke.  Jennily, sitting directly across from me, found the punchline of one of Stacey's jokes funnier than normal and unexpectedly spit her entire mouthful of hot chocolate all over me.  I sat there stunned in a hot chocolate haze while Beto, Stacey, and the table full of diners sitting directly next to us roared with laughter.  Jennily handed me napkin after napkin, struggling to apologize while still laughing.  I giggled as I looked down to see myself covered in little brown dots.  I cleaned myself up the best I could, then excused myself to go to the bathroom in an effort to clean up better than what a few napkins could offer.  I walked into the bathroom and to my horror immediately saw that it was filthy dirty.  I am a germaphobe, and the sight of that restroom left me paralyzed with fear.  Right at that moment my bladder turned against me and and signaled an urgent need to use the facility.  I had no choice but to 'take one for the team' and use the disgusting restroom.  I looked at all 3 of the toilets and chose the least horrifying.  Hesitantly, I walked into the stall, carefully covered the toilet seat with toilet paper, and prepared to demonstrate my super gold medal championship hovering technique.  Unfortunately, I underestimated the amount of wine still coursing through my system and my super technique failed me.  I felt my butt touch the toilet seat, the next thing I felt was a chill of disgust come over me from head to toe.  I panicked, all I knew was I needed to act and act fast!  In an act of desperation I opened the stall door and peeked out, I didn't see anyone.  However I did see a hand sanitizer dispenser.  Taking another look around I noticed the bathroom was quite small.  (Thinking back on that day, I can safely say the wine played a large role in what happens next)  Still in survival mode, I reached down, pulled up my pants just a bit, and as quickly as possible I shuffled out of the stall and up to the sanitizing dispenser.  With one hand I tightly held on to my pants, the other hand thrust out to dispense the liquid salvation into my palm.  With a sigh of relief, I reached my hand around behind me and applied hand sanitizer to an area of the body it was never intended for.  Right at that moment Stacey walked into the bathroom to check on me.  The sight of me standing in the middle of the bathroom with my pants almost down, rubbing my butt, was easily enough to throw my dear friend Stacey into the biggest laughing fit I have ever seen (somehow shuffling back into the stall never occurred to me).  We returned to the table and Beto topped Stacey's laughing fit with his own while Stacey very accurately and with great detail described the insanity she just witnessed.  I tried to defend my actions with explanation, however it seemed the more I talked, the more Jennily, Beto, and Stacey laughed.   

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Calling Candyman

My buddy Nathan and his pretty wife Brandy occasionally come back to Chicago from Ohio to visit for the holidays.  Luckily I was able to see them this time around.  While talking we ended up on the subject of scary movies.  The 90's horror film Candyman came up, Brandy mentioned that she had never seen the movie, Nathan and I decided that she had to see it.  We all watched the movie, I'll admit, it still gives me a few chills.  If you have never seen this movie, it was filmed in a dangerous part of Chicago, if you go into the bathroom, look into the mirror and say "Candyman" five times, he will suddenly appear, then kill everyone.  When the movie ended Nathan immediately got up and walked away.  Brandy and I didn't really give it too much thought.   Brandy and I, still in the cinematic moment, got up and went into the bathroom to test our courage.  Once in the bathroom, we closed the door, turned off the light, and tried our luck.  This didn't quite work at first because due to our giggling and joking.  Finally, we got ourselves together and took our task seriously.  We both looked into the mirror and in unison said the supposedly deadly word, "Candyman" about 5 seconds went by, we said it again "Candyman" this time we hesitated, about 15 seconds went by before we spoke again.  The next time we said it with less confidence.  "Candyman" I don't know why, but fear began growing inside of me.  I grabbed Brandy's hand and we said it again "Candym--"  Right at that moment Nathan (who had been hiding in the shower the entire time) ripped back the shower curtain, yelled "RAAAAAH" and lunged out for us!  We both screamed in 100% pure terror!  Brandy being the quick thinker that she is turned around to escape.  She didn't know that I thought it would 'smart' to lock the bathroom door so no one would catch us.  I didn't know this would turn the bathroom into a death trap.  As a result of my dim wit Brandy began clawing at the door trying to get out.  In that extreme moment of fear I was less ambitious.  I chose to slump down in front of the sink, cry, and pee my pants.  Nathan turned on the light and began to laugh hysterically.  Brandy and I stood there looking at him in disbelief.  In an instant Brandy was furious, she told Nathan something very intense, and quickly left the bathroom.  I swallowed hard to get my heart out of my throat and back into my chest, and stood up.  Nathan, still thrilled with himself, took one look at my wet pants and laughed so hard he fell down in the tub.  I wish I could say I left the bathroom with even a little bit of my pride in tact, but I think it had urine on it. 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Gyrating train wreck

While standing in the checkout line patiently waiting to purchase my groceries, a cute elderly Caucasian couple stepped into line behind me. The gentleman told his wife he was going to go get the car and pull it to the front doors. The wife smiled, then nodded, and off he went. I turned and focused my attention on carefully placing my items on the moving belt. Shortly thereafter, I heard a fast and upbeat ring tone begin to play, the words in the ring tone were as follows: "What you talkin' bout fool?, I'mma jack you up fool!" Now remember the last time I looked behind me, what I saw did not quite match this 'urban' type ring tone. Surprised, I looked up and saw a young voluptuous African American woman stepped into line. She excitedly said, "Dis my song!" and began to dance and shake parts of her body you very seldomly see shakin, movin, and groovin in the check out line. She then reached into her bra and pulled out her cell phone, never breaking her dance routine. The first few seconds of taking in this visual oddity, I couldn't help but stand there, mouth open, staring in disbelief. Once the initial shock wore off I looked at the previously mentioned little old lady. I giggled because she was now standing directly beside me and trying not to look directly at the gyrating train wreck behind us. She looked up at me with a lost look in her eyes. I leaned in a bit closer to her and said, 'Don't worry, I'm scared too.' She laughed, gently grabbed then let go of my arm, and a look of relief came over her cute little face. I finished the transaction and just before leaving, I looked back at my new little friend and said, "Peace out homie!" She giggled, gave me the cutest little smile and wave, and sweetly said, "See you later Jack!"

Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! ~ Review

I was fortunate enough to take my little princesses to see Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! I may have enjoyed this wonderful show more than my babies! Disney really out did themselves to assure everyone would be entertained the entire time. We cheered, clapped our hands, danced, and sang the entire night. We enjoyed every minute of it, from voguing mermaids to rump shaking ugly step-sisters! Every princess was beautiful, as was the singing, and skating. There were lots of awesome surprises throughout the entire show! Please don't miss out on this amazing unforgettable bonding moment with your princesses, your princes will also enjoy this larger than life Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! in Chicagoland Playing Allstate arena Jan. 23-27 and United Center Jan. 30-Feb. 10 with FREE PARKING in all official arena parking lots. Get your tickets today at Ticketmaster!

My readers save 40% on weekday shows and 20% on weekend shows and holidays with promo code MOM3.

Allstate Arena Jan 23-27: Save 40% or 20% with promo code: MOM3


United Center Jan 30-Feb 20: Save 40% or 20% with promo code: MOM3


Monday, January 21, 2013

Box spring brutality

I recently purchased a new box spring, my beautiful sister Monica helped me by driving her SUV.  We mildly struggled positioning and tying the box spring to the top of her truck.  The fact that it was twenty three degrees and it began raining did not improve on the situation.  After we tied the box spring we held on to it as we drove home.  Now, here we are driving home, it's twenty three degrees, it's raining, we have both front windows down and our arms out the windows clinging to the box spring.  Our gloves (created to provide warmth) literally became super absorbent sponges for the ice cold rain water.  Very quickly the water began running down our arms all the way down to our armpits, the chill was almost unbearable.  We finally arrived at my apartment complex, Monica pulled up right in front of the door to my building.  It seemed the temperature had dropped even more, but it was likely because half of our upper bodies were drenched in frigid rain water.  As quickly as we could we untied the box spring.  Luckily it was completely wrapped in a protective plastic cover.  We did not take into consideration that a large amount of water had accumulated on top of the box spring.  Needless to say, as we lowered the box spring a major rush of ice water came pouring down on top of us.  The two of us stood stunned from the overwhelming chill we felt from head to toe.  Monica quickly recovered and said, 'Lets, just keep moving, the hard part is over, this can't get worse.'  Luckily box springs are pretty light, with Monica leading the way, we had no problem lifting it up and carrying it to the door.  The only problem we had is it was a windy night, however, gripping the box spring a little tighter we did just fine.  The door to my apartment building is always locked, we made it to the door, stopped, and I went to unlock it while Monica held the box spring steady.  I unlocked the door, pulled it open, and stepped back so Monica could pull the box spring into the doorway.  I safely stepped backwards off of the tall step, however I forgot about this tiny little inch and a half step below that one.  I stepped on the edge of the dangerous little step, lost my footing, fell backwards into the large amount of water pooling in the uneven cement in front of the doorway.  When I say I fell down, I mean I fell all the way down, my legs flew up, as did my jacket and shirt.  Monica, watching the entire thing, could not help it and began laughing hysterically.  I felt a sharp pain in my foot, but he great chance of someone observing my impromptu gymnastics was horrifying and I tried to get up as quickly as possible.  Right then the direction of the wind changed, Monica now weak from laughing, accidentally let go of the box spring and it came down clobbering me, putting me right back down into the frigid muddy pool I just escaped.  At this point we both were laughing our heads off!  Monica was laughing so hard I could hardly understand her when she said, 'Aahhh ha ha ha ha, I have to pee! Ha ha ha ha!'  I got up and we pulled and pushed the box spring into the doorway.  It was harder than it should have been because we were both drained of energy and doubled over laughing.  I couldn't ignore the horrible pain shooting through my foot, ankle, and up my calf.  It didn't make it any easier that I live in a second floor apartment.  We made our way up the stairs and I opened my apartment door.  Monica immediately let go of the box spring, sprinted into my apartment and directly into the bathroom.  Still laughing, I said, 'It's OK, I got it, by the way my foot really hurts.'  I pulled, pushed, and wiggled the box spring into my apartment.  Right as I bent over laying it down on the floor, Monica came out of the bathroom, saw my soaked backside, and once again began laughing uncontrollably.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror behind me, it looked like I drank a super big gulp and pee'd my pants.  This sent us both right back into hysterics.  We were definitely a sight, both standing there soaking wet and dripping with ice cold rain water.  The pain in my foot was so bad that the next day I had to go to my doctor's office.  The entire time I explained how I hurt my foot, the doctor and nurse were both laughing, wiping tears out of their eyes, and apologizing.  Jokingly, I asked them for proof that they attended sensitivity training.  It turns out I sprained my ankle and foot.  Later on that same day Monica called me and told me she regrets laughing, because she accidentally fell down the steps.  It's safe to say that balance and grace runs pretty strongly in our family - that and a newly found fear of box springs.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Red Bull vs Corporate America

At one point in my life I worked for a fortune 500 company.  Corporate America can be a bit restricting, while working in corporate America, quiet and productive is the safest road to travel.  I recall one particular morning my coworker Luciana was very sluggish.  A night of partying left her exhausted to the point where she almost army crawled in to work.  She said she desperately needed a quick pick me up.  We suggested a nice cup of coffee, Luciana declined our offer stating she didn't like the taste.  I suggested she go to the Cafe and look for something with caffeine.  Luciana agreed, left, and eventually returned holding a tall can of Red Bull.  She slowly walked back to her desk, slumped down into her chair, and began sipping her tall can of 'quick pick me up.'  The rest of us paid little notice to her and went on about our business.  Moments later we heard an impromptu drum solo.  Surprised, we looked at each other, I leaned in her direction and said, 'Hey, Drumline!" she was so into her drumming she almost didn't hear me.  Luciana looked up at me, smiled, and said, 'What uuup!?'  I said, 'Are you OK lady?'  She quickly grabbed the empty can, held it up and asked, 'Dude! Have you ever had this?'  I laughed and said, 'Yes.'   She said, 'I never had it before, oh my gosh, it is SO GOOD!'  I giggled and said, 'Yeah, it is! OK easy killer, try to keep it to a low roar over here.'  She jumped up out of her chair, gave each of us enthusiastic high fives and skipped off to go on break.  We laughed and resumed our work.  We probably should have known this was only the beginning when we saw her skipping back down the hallway in the other direction waving to us as she skipped by.  She returned with the same heightened level of energy.  Luciana was talking more than she usually does and at a much faster pace.  We did our best to ignore her antics hoping she would calm down and quietly work, however that was not on her list of things to do.  At one point she took off her shoes and gave herself a pedicure.  Next Luciana spent a good amount of time spinning around and around in her desk chair.  Finally lunch time came, we encouraged her to eat a hearty lunch so the food can soak up whatever Red Bull was left in her tummy.  She agreed, stood up,  and actually did a cartwheel out of her cubicle on her way out to lunch.  We laughed hysterically, we had no idea cartwheels were corporate America approved.  When Luciana returned holding yet another Red Bull we looked at each other, feeling both entertained and defeated at the same time.  I got up to go to the printer and saw her cubicle covered with about 100 yellow post-its.  It was at that moment I knew Luciana didn't need to have Red Bull at work ever again.  A supervisor finally walked by our area, the unsuspecting supervisor couldn't help but see the bright yellow cubicle.  She came over and talked to Luciana about the importance of avoiding wasting office supplies.  It took every ounce of composure we had to keep from laughing.  I guess the Red Bull marketers knew they couldn't list everything in the commercials.  'Red Bull gives you wings, awesome skipping skills, high five power, olympic chair spins, cartwheels ...' - the commercial would never end! 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam

Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam is the most exciting form of family motorsports entertainment on the planet. The stars of the show are the biggest performers on four wheels: the Monster Jam trucks! The twelve-feet-tall, ten-thousand-pound machines will bring you to your feet, racing and ripping up a custom-designed track full of obstacles to soar over - OR smash through. The 2013 touring season brings more Monster Jam excitement with the celebration of Maximum Destruction's 10th Anniversary providing entertainment tailored perfectly for your family's budget, and these colorful, larger-than-life beasts are sure to capture the hearts of both young and old. We sold out all 5 shows last year, so get your tickets EARLY! Playing Allstate Arena Feb. 8-10.

CLICK HERE to save 33% off tickets with promo code MOM3.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Altar awkwardness

As a child you see some family members so often you begin to view them as siblings.  This was the case with my God brother Mike, consequently you grow up and life takes you in different directions.  Luckily we reconnected a few months ago, he introduced me to his beautiful fiance Alexandra.  I was thrilled to learn they were getting married very soon.  To my surprise shortly thereafter he called me extending an invitation to there upcoming nuptials. I happily and eagerly accepted the invite.  I was so excited you'd think it was my wedding.  Driving to the venue, to my dismay there was more traffic than usual and a road block due to some type of a festival.  Forcing me to take an unfamiliar route, going the opposite direction.  I felt my frustration rising as time ticked away, the last thing I wanted to do was arrive late.  At last, and only a few minutes late, I saw the Mansion and hurriedly pulled into the parking lot.  I immediately noticed there we no other cars (at that time didn't know the Mansion has two parking lots).  Puzzled, I also didn't see anyone walking around outside.  I wondered, 'Did I get the date wrong?' 'Why don't I see any familiar cars?'  I considered leaving but wanted to at least go take a look inside.  I approached the seemingly vacant Mansion.  I tried to open a door but it was locked, I walked around the building to another door, discovered it was open.  I quietly stepped inside and looked around.  I heard people talking and moving, following the sound I saw a sign on a door that had my God brother's name on it.  Happy to find conformation I continued on to a large beautifully decorated ballroom filled with workers frantically rushing to prepare for the reception.  I asked a women where the ceremony was being held, she told me to go back up the stairs, down the hallway, stay to the left, and it will take me directly to the chapel.  I thanked her and quickly followed her precise instruction.  My frustration was gone and excitement returned.  Walking along I came to a spot in the long hallway where it forked into two directions.  I thought to myself, 'The woman said, "Stay left" so I better stay left.' I walked up to a door that had another sign with Mike's name on it just like the one downstairs.  I could hear soft music playing and the sound of people trying to be as quiet as they could.  Relived, I gently and quietly opened the door.  Stepping through the doorway, looking behind me, never letting go of the door assuring it didn't slam shut.  I heard the gentle and quiet click of the door closing and turned around to walk into the chapel.  I stopped in my tracks, I turned around only to realize I was standing on the altar!  There I was facing everyone in the entire chapel.  Mike looked up at me, smiled and let out a tiny little giggle, my pretty God sisters were standing in the line of bridesmaids.  One looking at me equally as surprised, the other was flat out laughing at me, behind them sat a few hundred of my long lost friends and family.  The only thing hotter than all of the lights shining down on me was the heat coming off of my face, now red from embarrassment.  Listening to the sounds of increasing giggles, I did my best to speed walk off the altar, as I passed my laughing God sister she discreetly slapped my backside.  I hurried to the nearest pew, right as I sat down, louder music played, doors opened, and everyone stood as the strikingly beautiful bride emerged.  I was thankful for something to take away the attention.  As predicted, many of my family members could not pass on this great opportunity to jokingly give me a hard time about my entrance.  During the reception the handsome couple took time to greet their guests.  When they made their way to me, Mike laughed, gave me a hug, and said, "If you wanted to be in the wedding you should have just told me!"  Thank goodness they have a great sense of humor.  The wedding was beautiful and the reception was a blast.  There were smiles as far as the eye can see.  I am 100% certain Mike and Alexandra will live happily ever after.