Sunday, June 2, 2013

GO BLOW YOURSELF

This work is dedicated to my best friend Melani Granda and her mother Cynthia Terzick two wonderfully loving women.

“GO BLOW YOURSELF”
By Kimberly D. Garrett

Second City Training Center Chicago 
04/23/2013 (Version #4)

CAST
Rakell – 30's
Erik – 30's
Waitress – 20's


Rakell & Erik are set up on a blind date, &
meet for the first time at local sports bar.
 
(Erik approaches, Rakell is already seated)

ERIK
Rakell?

RAKELL
Yes, hi, Erik?

ERIK
Yep, it's nice to meet you.

RAKELL
Thank you, it's nice to meet you too. Have a seat.

(The waitress approaches)

WAITRESS
Hello there, my name is Jasmine can I start you two off with some drinks?

ERIK
Yeah, cool,  let me get a Bacardi 151

WAITRESS
Well, we usually use that as a base.  What would you like that with?

ERIK
Ice, oh and make it a double.

WAITRESS
Ooook

RAKELL
I'd like a Margarita please.

WAITRESS
No problem, I'll be right back with your drinks.

ERIK
You don't drink a lot do you?

RAKELL
No I typically drink socially.

ERIK
OK cool. So what do you do?

RAKELL
I am a Polysomnographer.

ERIK
Say what girl? What is that?

RAKELL
I read brain waves, heart rhythms, and respiratory patterns looking for abnormalities.

ERIK
Dang girl, you must be smart huh?

RAKELL
I like to think so, I really enjoy it. So how do you like working at Costco with my BFF Sadie?

ERIK
It's cool, it's cool, I've worked there for 10 years. Sadie is cool as hell, we just be cracking jokes all day.

RAKELL
Oh yeah, I love her. 10 years, wow, are you like the store manager?

(Waitress returns with drink order,
 & not impressed when overhears court
situation while putting drinks on table)

ERIK
Nah, I'm a cashier, but right now I'm suspend... I'm on a leave of absence because I have a few court cases going on and I have to miss a lot of days.

WAITRESS
(Sympathetically puts hand on Rakell's shoulder)
Let me know if you need anything.

RAKELL
(Looks up at waitress smiles and nods)
What are your pending court cases? Is it like speeding or parking tickets, or some type of traffic violation?

ERIK
Nah, one is for drug possession, but I think Imma be good because I didn't even have any drugs. They raided my boy's house and he is the one that had the drugs. I was just sitting there. And my other case is for carrying a concealed weapon but I'm fighting that one too man, because, I even told, that cop I had a knife.

RAKELL
(Turns to call waitress)
Jasmine! Well, I hope everything works out in your favor.

(Waitress approaches)
Waitress
Hi, are you OK? I mean what can I get for you?  The check maybe?
 
RAKELL
Yes! Please, I need a shot.

ERIK
Hey, let me get another Bacardi 151 double.

WAITRESS
(Pauses & looks at Erik as if
he is crazy, then walks away)
Sure thing, I'll be right back.

ERIK
Are you sure you don't drink a lot?

RAKELL
Yes, I'm sure. Is there a problem?

ERIK
No, no, it's cool. Do you live around here?

RAKELL
Yes my apartment is only about 20 minutes away from here.

ERIK
Do you have roommates or kids?
 
RAKELL 
I live alone, and no kids, not yet anyway. I'd like to get married first. I'd like to look into buying a house in a few years. How about you, any roommates or kids?

ERIK
I live with my Moms and she cooks and cleans and everything, so it's like I have a roommate and a maid – it's cool as hell! As far as the shorties, none that I'm claimin' – you know what I'm saying. So how many guys have you slept with?
  
RAKELL
Excuse me!?
 
(Waitress returns with drink order, puts
drinks on table, hears question, accidentally
intentionally spills his drink on him)  

ERIK
HEY! Watch it, ugh, this ain't cool!

WAITRESS
Woopsie, I'm sorry about that. Let me go get something to clean that up with.
(Happily walks away)


ERIK
Be cool girl, I'm just trying to get to know you.                                                                                               RAKELL
(Begins fidgeting with her cell phone)
Well there are some things you just don't ask a lady. Especially not on the first date.

ERIK
My bad girl. I see you got your phone out, let me give you my number. I'm on minutes so you can call me weekdays after 9PM and all day on weekends and holidays. Oh, & if you call and a female answers hang up. That's my ex, we aint together anymore but we just kick it a lot.

RAKELL
(Turns to call waitress)
Wow.    Jasm...

WAITRESS
(Is right there before Rakell can say her full name)
Here is your check.

RAKELL
(Relieved)
Thank you.   Well its getting late, and I have to get up pretty early in the morning so I better call it a night.

ERIK
OK cool, you want me to go with you?

RAKELL
NO! It's just that I'm tired and I have work.
ERIK
It's cool. Hey, I need you to do me a favor before we go.

RAKELL
(annoyed)
What is it?

ERIK
The judge had them put this thing in my car, it aint no big deal, and you have to blow in it to start it, and I need you to just come on out and blow into it real quick for me.

RAKELL
(upset)
Are you kidding me? Is that why you were all weird about my drinking?

ERIK
Cool out girl, don't be like that. It's the least you could do. Hey, if you aint going to blow me one way, you can at least blow me in another way.

RAKELL
(furious)
Go blow yourself!
(Quickly leaves the table)


(Waitress returns to start clearing table)

ERIK
(Leans in seductively)
Hey what's up girl? Do you drink a lot?

(BLACKOUT)

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