Sunday, February 24, 2013

Rogue Roomba iRobot

I have recently come to realize getting a Roomba iRobot is similar to adoption.  Some people get good ones and some people end up with not so good ones.  Like most, I was thrilled and beaming with joy as I brought home my little bundle of joy.  Looking back, I don't know how long I was in denial.  I should have noticed the warning signs as they were immediately obvious.  One of the intentions of this awesome vacuum is to free up time so you can accomplish other things while the iRobot nicely cleans your home.  I admit the first time I used my Roomba I chased it all over my apartment marveling at how well it worked.  The next time I used it, after turning it on I went on about my business cooking and cleaning.  Still excited about the wonders of the awesome new addition to our family, I would occasionally stop and go check on the Roomba.  One of the times I discovered a trail of shredded tissue.  To this day I still have no idea where the iRobot found the tissue.  Immediately after I walk through the front door, I take off my shoes and neatly place them to the side and out of the way.  I noticed my shoes were separated from each other and appeared as if I haphazardly kicked them off.  Both the shoes, and tissue incidents reminded of the antics of a rambunctious little puppy.   I am not certain if it is paybacks for chasing it around the first time I used it, or if some sort of codependency built up in the vacuum, but this time the tables had turned and the Roomba chased me all over the apartment.  I had to move out of the way and jump over the vacuum so often, thoughts of filing a restraining order danced through my head.  The possibly sexually frustrated Roomba constantly gets stuck trying to drive itself up the base of the pole lamp.  More often than I'd like to admit I find myself rescuing my apparently sexy lamp from being assaulted by the endlessly humping iRobot.  I don't know if I will be able to recover from the embarrassment I will endure if I have to take a day off work to go downtown and register my vacuum as a sex offender in the state of Illinois.  Maybe my Roomba has some unresolved issues that requires medication?  Do you think the Health Care Reform requires insurance companies to cover small appliance mental health issues?  Due to drunken patterns, repeatedly vacuuming the same spots while completely ignoring others, and continuously getting itself stuck in the same places,  I now lock the liquor cabinet.  My Roomba has begun demonstrating self hating destructive behavior.  It is almost as if it were human, it would be a 'cutter'.  I feel so all alone, because there is no (800) number or outreach support group for this issue.  When using the iRobot I have to keep a watchful eye on it at all times.  Also, just as a safety precaution, I don't leave my purse out when Roomba is around.  Maybe it's me?  Maybe Roomba is just very misunderstood?  I just never thought I would have to take a Xanax every time I vacuumed.  Just kidding ~ I love my Roomba!  In all seriousness, I am only slightly afraid of it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Little Ms. Loose Bladder

Recently my cousin Rakell and I made plans to have a fun game night at my house.  Our fun game night grew into a small party due to a handful of unexpected friends stopping by.  My close friends are aware that I don't encourage unexpected visits however, if you bring a nice beverage with you I will happily turn the other cheek.  Our game night quickly turned from Wii games to drinking games.  Rakell (who is always fun and awesome) already planned to spend the night, however her (barely tolerable when sober but extremely annoying when drunk) friend Sonia drank too much to drive home.  I was worried that Sonia would unknowingly do something undesirable in her drunken state while we slept.  I told Rakell she had to babysit her ditsy drunken disaster.  As Rakell set up a place for Ms. Drunky Drunkerton to sleep, she repeatedly told her exactly how to get to the bathroom.  Rakell kept repeating, "Down the hall, tinkle left. Down the hall, tinkle left."  Sonia drunkenly nodded her head and slurred, 'Tinkle left, tinkle left.'  Thankfully, I am a very light sleeper, seriously, if the wind changes direction - I hear it.  A few hours later I heard Sonia struggling to get herself up from the air mattress.  I will admit, I did enjoy hearing her struggle.  I did not enjoy hearing her loudly bump into my living room side table and the sound of my digital photo frame crashing to the floor.  The next thing I knew Sonia came barreling through the bedroom door.  I knew I should have bet Rakell that her drunken disaster would not be able to tell her left from her right.  I loudly said, 'This is NOT the bathroom!'  I heard the sound of clothing moving, I quickly jumped out of bed and rushed to Sonia who was now in a crouching position.  To my horror, I felt warm a liquid sprinkling down into my toes.  I screamed for Rakell as I grabbed Sonia and tried to pull her up to a standing position.  While it is true that Rakell and I share a large amount of DNA, our sleeping habits are drastically different - the girl sleeps like a rock!  I continued yelling Rakell's name while I struggled with the dead weight.  I also found myself seriously regretting wearing socks to bed.  Finally, Rakell woke up and turned on the light.  As light filled the room it revealed the puzzled look on Rakell's face as she saw me wrestling with Sonia - who was naked from the waist down.  Together we managed to get little Ms. Loose Bladder to the bathroom.  Rakell knew I was furious and immediately apologized for her friend and began cleaning up the mess.  A little time went by and she still hadn't emerged from the bathroom.  I asked Rakell to check on her, it was both maddening and comical when I heard Rakell open the bathroom door and say, 'Girl, why are you in the tub!?!'  All I could do, (after taking off and throwing away my socks) was lay down on my bed and listen to Rakell trying to deal with her hot mess of a friend.  The next morning Sonia had absolutely no recollection of her actions.  Sonia looked embarrassed as we filled her in on every single detail.  As a result, she kindly bought us all breakfast.  That was the one and only time Sonia will ever sleep under my roof.         

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Decontaminated derriere

After we spent almost the entire day touring various wineries in the area, I went to Denny's for a late night dinner with my very close friends Jennily, Beto, and Stacey.  I don't recall how it started but every time Jennily and I go to Denny's we have a hot chocolate drinking contest.  However this time was a bit of a challenge, Jennily and I didn't stop to think that hot chocolate wouldn't mix well with our tummies full of wine.  Stacey being her naturally hilarious self, sat telling joke after joke.  Jennily, sitting directly across from me, found the punchline of one of Stacey's jokes funnier than normal and unexpectedly spit her entire mouthful of hot chocolate all over me.  I sat there stunned in a hot chocolate haze while Beto, Stacey, and the table full of diners sitting directly next to us roared with laughter.  Jennily handed me napkin after napkin, struggling to apologize while still laughing.  I giggled as I looked down to see myself covered in little brown dots.  I cleaned myself up the best I could, then excused myself to go to the bathroom in an effort to clean up better than what a few napkins could offer.  I walked into the bathroom and to my horror immediately saw that it was filthy dirty.  I am a germaphobe, and the sight of that restroom left me paralyzed with fear.  Right at that moment my bladder turned against me and and signaled an urgent need to use the facility.  I had no choice but to 'take one for the team' and use the disgusting restroom.  I looked at all 3 of the toilets and chose the least horrifying.  Hesitantly, I walked into the stall, carefully covered the toilet seat with toilet paper, and prepared to demonstrate my super gold medal championship hovering technique.  Unfortunately, I underestimated the amount of wine still coursing through my system and my super technique failed me.  I felt my butt touch the toilet seat, the next thing I felt was a chill of disgust come over me from head to toe.  I panicked, all I knew was I needed to act and act fast!  In an act of desperation I opened the stall door and peeked out, I didn't see anyone.  However I did see a hand sanitizer dispenser.  Taking another look around I noticed the bathroom was quite small.  (Thinking back on that day, I can safely say the wine played a large role in what happens next)  Still in survival mode, I reached down, pulled up my pants just a bit, and as quickly as possible I shuffled out of the stall and up to the sanitizing dispenser.  With one hand I tightly held on to my pants, the other hand thrust out to dispense the liquid salvation into my palm.  With a sigh of relief, I reached my hand around behind me and applied hand sanitizer to an area of the body it was never intended for.  Right at that moment Stacey walked into the bathroom to check on me.  The sight of me standing in the middle of the bathroom with my pants almost down, rubbing my butt, was easily enough to throw my dear friend Stacey into the biggest laughing fit I have ever seen (somehow shuffling back into the stall never occurred to me).  We returned to the table and Beto topped Stacey's laughing fit with his own while Stacey very accurately and with great detail described the insanity she just witnessed.  I tried to defend my actions with explanation, however it seemed the more I talked, the more Jennily, Beto, and Stacey laughed.   

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Calling Candyman

My buddy Nathan and his pretty wife Brandy occasionally come back to Chicago from Ohio to visit for the holidays.  Luckily I was able to see them this time around.  While talking we ended up on the subject of scary movies.  The 90's horror film Candyman came up, Brandy mentioned that she had never seen the movie, Nathan and I decided that she had to see it.  We all watched the movie, I'll admit, it still gives me a few chills.  If you have never seen this movie, it was filmed in a dangerous part of Chicago, if you go into the bathroom, look into the mirror and say "Candyman" five times, he will suddenly appear, then kill everyone.  When the movie ended Nathan immediately got up and walked away.  Brandy and I didn't really give it too much thought.   Brandy and I, still in the cinematic moment, got up and went into the bathroom to test our courage.  Once in the bathroom, we closed the door, turned off the light, and tried our luck.  This didn't quite work at first because due to our giggling and joking.  Finally, we got ourselves together and took our task seriously.  We both looked into the mirror and in unison said the supposedly deadly word, "Candyman" about 5 seconds went by, we said it again "Candyman" this time we hesitated, about 15 seconds went by before we spoke again.  The next time we said it with less confidence.  "Candyman" I don't know why, but fear began growing inside of me.  I grabbed Brandy's hand and we said it again "Candym--"  Right at that moment Nathan (who had been hiding in the shower the entire time) ripped back the shower curtain, yelled "RAAAAAH" and lunged out for us!  We both screamed in 100% pure terror!  Brandy being the quick thinker that she is turned around to escape.  She didn't know that I thought it would 'smart' to lock the bathroom door so no one would catch us.  I didn't know this would turn the bathroom into a death trap.  As a result of my dim wit Brandy began clawing at the door trying to get out.  In that extreme moment of fear I was less ambitious.  I chose to slump down in front of the sink, cry, and pee my pants.  Nathan turned on the light and began to laugh hysterically.  Brandy and I stood there looking at him in disbelief.  In an instant Brandy was furious, she told Nathan something very intense, and quickly left the bathroom.  I swallowed hard to get my heart out of my throat and back into my chest, and stood up.  Nathan, still thrilled with himself, took one look at my wet pants and laughed so hard he fell down in the tub.  I wish I could say I left the bathroom with even a little bit of my pride in tact, but I think it had urine on it.