Friday, March 30, 2012

Au naturale associate

Many years ago I used to work at Venture with my best friend Lexi and one of our buddy's Nathan.  One night business was particularly slow and we were really bored.  Nathan, Lexi, and I went out to "straighten and clean" the store.  This really meant we went walking around to stay out of sight.  We came across a men's shirt one of the customers left in the toy department, and decided to take it back to its rightful place.  In an effort to entertain Nathan and Lexi, I picked up the shirt and carefully placed it over my torso with the sleeves placed over my arms so it appeared as if I were wearing the shirt.  I walked with my chest puffed up and arms bowed as if I were quite muscular.  As predicted Nathan and Lexi did chuckle in response to my show.  As we approached the men's department, unbeknownst to me, Nathan reached over, grabbed the bottom corner of the shirt and quickly whipped it off my chest.  I was so engulfed in my acting that I screamed and reached up to cover my chest.  It only took me a second or two to realize I did still have my work shirt on and that I wasn't exposed.  Unfortunately I screamed a little louder than I would have liked to, and there was no way for me to play this off.  At this point Nathan and Lexi were both laughing hysterically. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Senior citizen gone wild

I won an all expenses paid trip to visit Sea World in San Antonio, TX and took one of my best friends Lexi with me.  We loved it!  Amongst other things our hotel provided complimentary shuttle transportation anywhere within a 5 mile radius.  After one of our outings we were dropped off at Walmart.  As I went down the steps exiting the shuttle, I did not realize my T-Shirt became hooked on one of the rails.  Every step I took down the steps, up went my shirt.  I made it down 3 steps before I realized what was happening.  There was a cute little old lady waiting to get on the shuttle to go back to the hotel and witnessed the whole thing.  As I quickly pulled my shirt down, I could feel my face heating up with embarrassment.  The amused elderly woman giggled & said, "My turn!"  I smiled back at her and said, "You know you owe me a dollar right?"  She began laughing and said, "I'll leave it for you at the front desk."  I love a good sport!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Big biker bigger heart

While standing in line at the grocery store, I found myself standing behind a tough looking middle-aged biker guy, with his arms full of groceries.  He was tall, had a large muscular build, lots of tattoos, wearing Harley Davidson gear, full facial hair, a bandanna, & the whole nine.  We both stood in line quietly, the next thing I knew the Cuppy Cake song by Strawberry Shortcake started playing.  If you are not familiar with this song.  It sounds like a child about 3 years old is singing.  The music in the background sounds very similar to a nursery rhyme lullaby.  A few of the words are "You're my hunny bunch sugar plum, you're my sweetie pie, you're my cuppy cake, gum drop, you're the apple of my eye, and I love you so and I want you to know that I'll always be right here, and I love to sing, songs to you because you are so dear."  The big tough guy began juggling his groceries trying to quickly get to his cell phone.  He finally answered it, had a brief conversation & ended the call.  He turned around to see me laughing & said, 'That was my daughter.'  I said "That was the cutest thing I've seen all day."  He smiled and said, "Thanks, she knows I don't know to change the ringer on my phone."  I said, "And I hope you never figure it out!"  He laughed and nodded in agreement.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Squabbling solution

My best friend Lani's two smallest kids went through a phase where it seemed all they did was bicker and fight with each other non stop day and night.  It got to the point where they would even wake her up just to tattle on each other.  One day her twosome was being particularly bratty so we decided to teach them a little lesson.  Luckily it was the weekend, we made sure to wake up before they did, Lani ran into her daughters room and woke her up saying "Kimolie hit me!" I then ran into the room and said, "No I didn't she was hitting me!" We then began playfully hitting each other, pulling each others shirts, and ran out of the room.  Her daughter looked at us with a very confused look on her face.  We went into her sons room and did the same thing, then went at sat on the couch.  The kids came out of their rooms, looked at each other and asked us if we had been fighting.  We looked at them as if they were absolutely insane.  We told them that we behave properly and do not do things like that.  It left them a little confused for the next hour or two.  The good news is they never woke her up again fighting.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Screaming sucker punch

One night I spent the night at a friends house for the first time.  Our personalities are pretty similiar and she enjoys a nice prank just as much as I do.  It got pretty late and we were ready for bed, I was going to sleep in the family room.  She said "Good night" and went to her bedroom.  I thought it would be a good idea to make sure the front door was locked and turn off all the lights in her apartment.  After the lights were out the apartment was completly dark, there wasnt even the smallest bit of light for me to use to assure I didnt trip over any furniture.  As usual my cell phone was in my pocket, I used the light from my phone to safely get to the bathroom. By now my friend had snuck out of her bedroom knowing I would go to the bathroom before going to bed and very quietly waited for me to walk by.  Right as I walked up to the bathroom she jumped out screaming 'RAAAH!'  In return I screamed and without thinking accidentally punched her right in the mouth with the hand holding my phone.  For a brief moment we both stood there surprised looking at each other.  We then erupted with laughter, she stood there with her hand over her mouth and said, 'I cant believe you hit me!'  I was doubled over laughing, trying to both apolozie and control my bladder. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Scratch N Spoof

I came across fake winning lottery scratch off tickets.  I decided to pass them out at work to a few unsuspecting coworkers.  One or two people briefly fell for my trick, while another coworker knew from the beginning.  However one coworker in particular really took the bait.  She jumped up from her desk and came running to my desk waiving the scratch off in the air.  She was overwhelmed with excitement saying, "Kimberly, look at this, look at this, oh my gosh, I will totally split this with you! Thank you thank you!" Other coworkers gathered around and took turns looking at the card.  Our supervisor came over looked at the card, turned it over and read the back, handed the card back to my coworker, and said 'Congratulations', then smiled at me and walked away.  It was very hard to keep from laughing, the other coworkers figured out the scratch off was a rouse and a few began laughing.  The bogus winner was still elated until someone asked her how she planned to redeem her winnings.  Finally she took a moment to read the back of the card and realized it was all a joke.  Luckily she took the joke very well and asked me where she can find the trick cards so she could attempt to do the same thing to her family.  Gotta love a good sport!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Typing Tourettes

When my oldest brother was a professional athlete he traveled to many different countries all over the world.  A few times he was nice enough to bring me along for the ride.  When he is outside of the United States of America most of his correspondence is done via email.  I never took time to think that keyboards are set up differently in different countries.  One day I was out on the balcony taking in the view and I heard him making odd sounds.  "Aaat"  "Ooop"  "Ugh"  "No!" I walked back in to see him struggling over the computer trying to email one of his coaches.  I said, "What are you doing?" He proceeded to show me all the different little symbols.  It was quite comical watching him striking various keys mildly frustrated looking for familiar punctuation. 

Offspring ordure

One day I went to visit my buddy CK.  He was telling me how his toddler son was adjusting to being potty trained. Just then his strikingly handsome son happily walked into the room beaming with pride & said, "Daddy I pooped." CK:  "You did? Wow good job buddy! Did you poop in the big boy potty?"
Son: "No"
CK:  "No? Where did you poop?"
Son:  "I pooped in the closet."
CK:   "In the closet!?!"
Son:  "Yes, in Mommy's closet."
I watched CK's eyes grow very big as he stared down at his son.  I said "Good luck with that!"  CK looked at me and said, "Yeah, this should be good."  As they walked away to investigate, I heard CK say "Did you at least poop on some of her shoes so we can get rid of them?  All I could do was sit there and laugh.