Monday, September 10, 2012

Dog gone

A few years back, and as usual my family gathered together to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday.  It seemed to be our typical holiday gathering.  My Mother and my Sister made a wonderfully delicious dinner, my Aunt Debbie made her family favorite and highly demanded pound cake, other family members came over, also bringing their signature dishes.  Dinner was over, and the assortment of deserts began making their appearances.  My cousin Rakell mentioned getting a new puppy, I looked around and said, "Hey, where is Tisha?" My Mother looked at me and said, "We gave her away."  Surprised I said, "WHAT!?!  Why did you do that?  We had that dog longer than any other dog we've ever had.  I loved that dog!" My Mother calmly looked at me and said, "Tisha has been gone for 4 days."  My response was simply, "Oh."  My Aunts, Uncles, and cousins began laughing hysterically.  I guess it's safe to say I am not quite the dog lover I proclaim to be.   

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Heaven and Hell

Last winter a few of my closest friends, Stacey, Phoebe, Paula, Lani and I went on a much needed weekend getaway.  We thought it would be fun to take the train from Chicago to Connecticut to see one of our all time favorite bands Echo and Drake (Connecticut's pride and joy).  These guys are very nice, amazingly talented, and their music is impossible to resist. The train ride to Connecticut was fun, plus no matter what we are doing as long as we are in each others company, we are guaranteed a great time.  We checked into the hotel, and excitedly made our way to see our beloved Echo and Drake.  The show was absolutely amazing!  We danced and sang along to every single song.  Seriously, if you ever get an opportunity to see these guys - jump on it! I guarantee you will become an instant fan.  The next day we checked out and boarded the train taking us back to our Sweet Home Chicago.  Little did we know, this train ride would be like no other we had ever taken.  It snowed pretty heavily the night before, so much that it caused major delays in our travel.  When I say major delay, I mean numerous times the train stopped and just sat on the tracks.  When the train was moving it only traveled at about 30 miles per hour.  The doors were partially frozen, which wouldn't have been that big of a deal but they were frozen and half way open.  The closer we got to Chicago the snowfall grew pretty intensely.  As a result massive amounts of snow began blowing into and around the cabin of the train.  The snow very quickly accumulated, gathering all around the steps over a foot deep, at the same time ice began forming around the doors, and on mostly everything metal within a few feet of any entrance.  It was literally freezing cold.  Since ice was forming on all the doors and entrances, the train workers were unable to bring any type of refreshments between the cars to the passengers.  No water, no hot coffee, no tea, absolutely nothing.  We huddled together the best we could to keep warm.  Luckily, no amount of snow or extreme cold can ruin our sense of humor and determination to have fun.  The weather caused our train ride to take double the amount of time it was scheduled.  Now when we reminisce about our trip to see the amazing Echo and Drake we ironically refer to the trip as our 'Heaven and Hell' trip.  Obviously we were in heaven during the Echo and Drake show, but we had no idea hell was so very cold.  We will definitely go see our boys again, but I'd say a spring show seems more in order.   

Monday, August 27, 2012

Praise & percussion

I have always been a believer of trying new things.  After a conversation with a long time family friend David, I decided to visit his church - Total Christian Life Ministry in Joliet, IL.  My Mother took us to church our entire lives, the only church service setting I know consists of attentive and silent worship.  Immediately upon walking into David's church I was very warmly greeted, welcomed in, and seated.  Quietly, I sat and watched as nicely dressed glorified souls entered with big smiles on their handsome and pretty faces. They happily greeted each other, took their seats, and the service began.  There was a small band that consisted of three instruments a keyboard, drums, and a clarinet.  The band began playing beautiful music and a large group of people quickly made their way to the font singing together.  At first I didn't know why they were hurrying to the front. I thought to myself, "Communion? This early?"  They all sang and sang, swaying, and clapping.  At a glance it was obvious their hearts were filled with a love that only God can give.  The singing continued and quickly became increasingly interactive.  I felt slightly uneasy, I didn't have any negative feelings what-so-ever, but it was hard to shake years and years of maintaining mandatory absolute silence during church service.  Today was different, we were encouraged to stand up, exclaim, sing along, clap and raise our hands.  Everyone was having so much fun I thought for sure the next instruction would be - sliiiide to the left.  When asked to stand, I thought to myself, 'No problem we stand all the time' the next instruction was clap your hands, I convinced myself that clapping wouldn't be so bad.  I clapped along with the music holding back my growing desire to start dancing.  After the clapping, came hands in the air, again that uneasy feeling came back, I decided I'd just keep clapping.  Once the singing was done, the deacon gave a wonderfully motivating lecture on new beginnings.  The Pastor began his sermon, he is truly blessed with the gift of insight, motivation, and knowledge of God's word.  I was very pleasantly surprised when he added a little comedy here and there.  Overall, I feel this experience was delightful.  David introduced me to a lot of friendly people, it was absolutely time well spent, the rest of the day and even now I feel happy, peaceful, and inspired.  I do plan to return, I might even bring my dancing shoes!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Snacker showdown

One sunny summer afternoon my three brothers and I were relaxing in the pool house listening to music while taking a break from the pool.  We enjoyed a variety of snacks and refreshing chilled beverages.  One of our snacks was a bag of 'Chicharron' also called 'Pork Rinds' in our house we always referred to them as 'Skins.'  We talked, laughed, drank, and munched passing the snacks around and around to each other.  My middle brother left the pool house to assist my Mother with the grill.  My oldest brother noticed the contents of one of the bags of dog treats looked very similar to the Skins, except the dog treats were larger in size.  We three looked at each other and smiled knowing exactly what we HAD to do.  My job was to keep my eye on our middle brother while the other two quickly opened the bad of dog treats, selected one and put it into the bag of Skins.  We hurried back to the sitting area of the pool house and waited.  A brief moment later our unsuspecting middle brother came back in and sat down.  At this point I had the bag and passed it to the oldest, he selected a Skin, ate it then passed the bag to our middle brother.  He looked into the bag and saw the larger than the rest 'Skin.'  His eyes grew wide with excitement as he reached into the bag and pulled out the jumbo sized treat.  My other two brothers remained cool, calm, and collected, while I of course have NO poker face what-so-ever sat squirming, looking directly at him, mouth open, and eyes wild.  I watched in amazement while he raised the treat up to his mouth, opened wide, inserted the treat, and right when he was ready to bite down - he stopped and looked at me.  I quickly looked away, he took the treat out of his mouth, looked at it for a second then directly at us and said, 'It's a dog treat isn't it?'  We all began laughing hysterically, my youngest brother slapped my leg (which really stung because I was still wet from swimming) and blamed me for the joke not going over as we'd hoped.  From that day forward we never missed an opportunity to remind our middle brother that technically he did have a dog treat in his mouth even if it was only for 2 seconds.  

Sunday, August 5, 2012

First grade fright fest

Before he retired, my oldest brother was a professional basketball player.  He is exactly seven feet tall and weighs 280 pounds.  He played for numerous professional teams in the United States and all over the world.  My dear friend Josie is a first grade school teacher and asked my brother to come speak to her class.  My brother is very nice and loves children so as soon as his schedule allowed he flew back to Illinois to oblige.  When Josie told the Principal at her school that she had a professional athlete of such stature coming in, the meet and greet quickly went from Josie's classroom to about 4 classrooms.  When my brother and I arrived at the school the children were already assembled in the gym.  We stood out in the hallway while the teachers organized the students.  A few minutes before it was time for my brother to come into the gym I quietly stepped in and took a seat off to the side.  The students were finally all seated and quiet, Josie gave a wonderful introduction about who the special guest was and a few of his accomplishments, basketball music played in the gym as Josie called out his name and the children all began cheering and clapping.  My brother came running into the gym with lots of energy and a big smile on his face.  The children  took one look at him and majority of them began screaming and crying in fear.  Josie and the other teachers jumped into action to calm the children and my brother quickly left the gym.  I just as quickly went to the hallway to find him standing there upset because he scared the kids.  I consoled him the best I could ~ while trying not to laugh.  Josie came out to the hallway, told him the kids are all OK and asked him to please come back out, of course he agreed.  Josie reached out and took my brothers huge hand into her little dainty hand and lead him back into the gym.  The children sat there silently, some still looking wild eyed.  My brother spoke as softly as his very deep voice allowed, the more he talked the more you could see the kids relax and begin smiling and enjoying him.  By the time he was done talking and demonstrating his basketball tricks the children absolutely loved him (which was no surprise because everyone loves him!)  The meet and greet ended with my brother standing under one of the basketball hoops, the children all lining up single file, and one by one he picked up each child and let them 'Dunk' the basketball into the hoop, each and every child giggled and squealed in delight.  He was even nice enough to let them all go twice.   It was the cutest thing I had seen in a long time.

Monday, July 30, 2012

City people shouldn't go fishing

I was born and raised in one of the greatest cities in the world, My Sweet Home Chicago.  Every once in a while my family would get together and go on 'nature' trips.  I remember one trip we all went fishing.  My parents, younger sister, my God-parents and God-brothers all got together, and it was not long before chaos began.  We packed a big styrofoam cooler, as we walked from the car into the wooded area it broke into three pieces.  YAY NATURE!  I remember during the car ride from the city, my Mom was going on and on about how much fun fishing is.  By the time we arrived at the lake I was excited and ready to fish.  Somehow, the part about having to actually touch a worm didn't stick with me.  I absolutely refused to put the worm on the hook, as usual my Dad came to my rescue and did it for me.  After he put the disgusting worm on the hook, he reached out to hand me the baited fishing pole, the thought of holding a pole with a worm on it was too gross too me.  A few minutes later my God-father tried to cast into the lake, but his hook accidentally got caught in my shirt.  YAY NATURE! It didn't take very long before my sister and I realized we had to potty.  We were handed a roll of toilet paper and instructed to go into the woods and out of sight. 

It was at that moment we learned 3 life lessons (the hard way)
1.  If you ever have to pee in the woods it gets scary the moment you step past the fourth tree.
2.  If you begin peeing and are facing the wrong way on an incline you will know it very quickly, and you probably wont want to wear those shoes ever again. 
3. If boys are anywhere in the area they are 100% guaranteed to attempt to scare you.

We eventually made our way back to the adults.  I saw my Dad and God-father out in the middle of the lake in a medium sized row boat.  Somehow, and not really to anyone's surprise, my Dad ended up falling into the lake.  We all erupted with laughter, my Dad is seriously the funniest person I have and will ever know!  As usual he was a very good sport and laughed right along with the rest of us.  My God-brothers found a turtle, we begged and begged our parents to allow us to keep the turtle.  My God-parents said, 'No', but luckily my parents said, 'Yes'   YAY NATURE!   My sister and I happily named our new pet turtle 'Rocky' (hey, we were 80's kids and Rocky was a very popular movie ~ Adriaaan!) it wasn't until after we got Rocky home, we realized he was a Snapping Turtle.  We didn't have Rocky very long.  Moral of the story ~ City people shouldn't go fishing.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Parrot personifies the King of Pop

I listen to Pandora Radio on a daily basis.  I usually listen to the same few stations, toggling between Alicia Keys, Pitbull, Ludacris, Prince, and Missy Elliott.  By far, my favorite station is the Michael Jackson station, I listen to it about 60% percent of the time while singing and dancing.  Recently, while visiting my parents, I was cleaning the kitchen and as usual had Pandora locked on my beloved Michael Jackson station.  To my delight 'Thriller' was playing, I spent more time poorly imitating the dance moves than actually cleaning the kitchen.   We all know at the conclusion of 'Thriller' Vincent Price laughs.  Immediately upon hearing the laughter my Mother's parrot Rico began loudly mimicking the sound.  At first it was funny but, he would not stop!  My Mother and nephews came into the family room to investigate.  We tried to distract him by talking to him, whistling the 'Andy Griffith Theme Song' (he loves that) ~ we also played the Chicago Bulls Theme song (a major family favorite).  Rico laughed exactly like Vincent Price for about 6 minutes.  The next day I was listening to the Michal Jackson station again, the moment 'Thriller' began playing Rico immediately began laughing again.  My Mother looked at me, I looked back at her and said, 'What can I say, our feathered friends know just as well as we do that Michael Jackson is the King!'

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Corporate chair dance

I used to work as a manager in an office where surprise visits by our corporate office were not unusual.  My desk was positioned in a way that my back faced the front door.  When I focus on my paperwork I become less and less aware of my surroundings.  One day I had more paperwork than usual, so I put in my ear buds and set my Pandora Radio to a nice upbeat station.  To my delight, Single Ladies by Beyonce began playing.  Completely oblivious to my surroundings, I began mimicking dance moves.  My co-manager Cassy saw one of our corporate managers walk in and sent me a 'Warning' instant message.  I was too preoccupied with my concert to take 2 seconds to click on the bright blinking icon.  By the time the corporate manager made his way to my desk I was engaged in full song and dance.  At this point I was bopping to the beat, singing out loud, actually reaching around behind myself and smacking my backside.  I just happened to look up and see the corporate manager standing there looking down at me with a big smile on his face.  I immediately stopped, frozen with embarrassment.  I could feel my face heating up as a fresh new supply of blood rushed into it.  My coworkers where almost doubled over laughing hysterically.  Thankfully, the corporate manager had a good sense of humor and said, 'Do you take requests?'  Still very embarrassed, I nervously laughed, picked up my planner, and followed him and our other managers (who all had huge smiles on their faces) into the conference room for a meeting.  Needless to say that was the last concert I had for a while. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Chinese fire drill gone bad

When my sister and I became teenagers we learned about something called the Chinese Fire Drill.  Basically this drill is a nonsensical adolescent spoof that takes place in a vehicle.  To properly execute this drill: while driving down the street, when you stop at a stop light the occupants of the vehicle are supposed to quickly (and as safely as possible) exit the vehicle run around the car one time, and just as quickly get back in.  This all must be done before the red street light changes back to green.  One day while riding in the family car, my sister and I were telling our Daddy about this silly drill.  Our fun loving father pretended to have no idea about the drill, no matter how detailed and repeatedly we tried to explain it to him.  We found ourselves on a street that had very little traffic.  Our Daddy suggested we demonstrate the drill for him.  We, being young and naive were eager to act out this fun new procedure for the first time ever.  We pulled up to a stop light, my sister and I hurriedly opened our car doors, jumped out of the car, slammed the doors shut, ran around the car one time, laughing and overcome with joy.  We were so caught up in our teenybopper tomfoolery we didn't notice that as soon as we slammed shut our car doors, with the single press of a button our clever Daddy locked all the doors.  After our lap around the car, we pulled on the door handles, our joyful laughter immediately turned into panic.  We saw other drivers laughing hysterically as we repeatedly pulled on the handles and begged our Daddy to unlock the doors.  He laughed and pretended not to understand what we were saying.  After a few seconds (that felt more like hours) he unlocked the doors, embarrassed, we returned to our seats.  The other drivers honked and praised my Daddy as they drove away.  As you may have guessed this is the one and only time my sister and I attempted this drill.  We may have been young and naive but we did learn lessons pretty quickly. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Deceitful domestic detergent

I visited my friend Luciana who recently moved back in with her Mother.  Luciana's Mother has dementia and is no longer able to live alone.  The three of us had a good time talking and laughing.  Luciana's mother got up and went to the kitchen, we continued talking.  A moment later we noticed the very strong fragrance of cleaning solution.  We went to the kitchen to see what her Mother was cleaning that required so much solution.  Once we entered the kitchen the smell was almost overwhelming.  Luciana quickly opened a window and said, 'Mom, what are you doing?'  Her cute little Mother was standing in front of the sink wearing rubber gloves, the sink was full some sort of cleaning solution that oddly did not produce any bubbles.  Her Mother replied, 'Oh, I just thought I'd wash the dishes dear.'   Puzzled Luciana and I looked at each other, I said, 'What kind of dish soap are you using?' She reached into the cabinet under the sink and pulled out a nearly empty bottle of Spic 'n Span.  (Spic 'n Span is a cleaning solution used to clean kitchen floors NOT dishes)  Luciana said, 'Mom, this is not for dishes! We have to empty that water.'  Luciana's Mother said, 'We are not! I am going to wash these dishes!'  Luciana said, 'No Mom, this will make us sick, it is not for dishes, it is intended to clean the floor.'  Luciana's frustrated Mother picked up the bottle, pointed to the words on the bottle and said, 'Look here, it says FOR THE KITCHEN - dishes are in the kitchen!  I'm old but I can still read, child of mine.  I know I'm not crazy, you kids are always making me think I'm crazy!'  I laughed and said, 'Well, she does kind of have a point.'  Luciana giggled and said, 'You're not helping.'  I watched as Luciana calmly and gently moved her Mother away from the sink distracting her with a new topic of conversation.  Once they left the kitchen I drained the water from the sink, replacing it with new soapy water using actual dish washing soap.  Smiling as I caught another look at the Spic 'n Span bottle while I washed the dishes. 

Saturday, June 30, 2012

A tornado, a house fire, and no pants

Last night there was a severe thunderstorm that turned into a tornado.  My awesome Chicago WGN (World's Greatest News) weather app alerted us of the danger before it arrived.  My best friend Lani, her Mother Thia, and I prepared, and moved the three children to the safest place in the house.  The tornado winds exceeded 60mph, we could easily hear the damage as it occurred.  It was scary, we talked to & entertained the children to keep them occupied and calm.  After it was over Thia, Lani, and I took turns going outside. The damage was tremendous, the streets were flooded and covered with fallen branches and entire trees.  When the trees fell they tore down the power lines in the yards and streets.  The still live power lines were jumping and sparking dangerously.  The power was out so we put a single lit candle in a few rooms.  Lani's son had to use the bathroom while the rest of us sat in the family room.  Lani walked around in and outside the house.  Her young son calmly called out to her, "Mom" but she didn't hear him and the rest of us didn't react.  He called her again, "Mom" Lani's beautiful daughter said, "I'll go get her" she left then came back, went into the bathroom to tell her patient brother Lani was coming.  She quickly came out of the bathroom and said, "The bathroom is on fire." Thia and I quickly jumped up and ran to the bathroom.  I made it to the bathroom first and saw the candle in the bathroom ignited a towel, hair accessories, and flames were moving up the medicine cabinet.  Lani's little boy sat on the toilet looking wild eyed.  I quickly pulled him up and pushed him into the arms of Thia.  The flames grew bigger and bigger faster and faster.  I will admit, I was scared.  My Mother's Grandfather was the first African American Deputy Fire Chief and her Father was also a Fireman.  Generations of instinct took over, I quickly grabbed one of the large towels dampened it and used it to safely put out the fire.  Thia and the children stood a safe distance away watching and shining a flashight so I could see.  Just then Lani walked in to find her house full of smoke, me holding a wet and newly blackened towel, Thia holding the culprit candle, and her young son standing there with his pants down.  I handed her the towel and said, "I don't like playing tornado."

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Charades impossible

In my family 'Game Night' is serious business.  At every family function or gathering carefully strategize and select teams.  We love each other dearly but when game time starts every person on the opposing team is temporarily the enemy.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to have the same number of men and women in the house, when that happens we have our own Battle of the Sexes.  I'd like to say the women typically win, but honestly the wins are about 50 - 50.  Recently our Battle intensified, both teams engaged in major league trash talk.  At that point each team had already won an individual battle.  We determined the third game would be the decision maker, proving once and for all, which sex was superior.  The decision game was Charades.  In case you need a Charades refresher course - everyone discreetly writes a word on a small individual piece of paper, folds the paper so the word can not be seen, mix up the folded pieces of paper, the opponent must silently act out the word until either their team mates correctly guess or until time runs out, which ever happens first.  We set very strict rules, the most unforgiving rule - 'If you break any of the rules the other team automatically wins' NO EXCUSES!  We (the women) knew the men were going to write extremely difficult words for us.  As usual, we were 5 steps ahead of them, so we did the same and added our own little twist.  I am proud to announce, the women won! It was not easy, the men wrote some pretty difficult words for us.  The cry-baby men stand their ground insisting we cheated. We prefer to refer to our tactics as unmatched wit and strategy.
*Here are a few examples of the words written by the MEN:*
Grasshopper ~ they just wanted to laugh while watching us jump around, crouch down, and rub out legs together.
Synchronized swimmer ~ a SOLO synchronized swimmer is rather difficult
Baby being born ~ now that was just mean!
*Here are a few examples of the words written by the brilliant WOMEN:*
Confetti ~ show me confetti big trash talkers
810,654 ~ yeah, good luck with this one!
Ballerina ~ I know this is easy, but the men in our family are very masculine and would possibly prefer to take a beating opposed to act out Swan Lake for 2 minutes.
Better luck next time fellas! GIRLS RULE!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Cantonese chanteuse

Last night my dear friend Stacey and I were driving home from Dave & Busters.  As usual time spent with Stacey is full of fun and laughing until your stomach hurts.  While sitting at a stop light, a car with it's windows down blasting hard core gangster rap pulled up next to us.  I said, 'Geez, spare me' we looked over and saw the car contained four young Chinese men.  They were loudly speaking and quite possibly rapping in Chinese desperately trying to keep up with the beat of the music.  While doing so they were also dancing and flailing about as if they were listening to rave music.  Stacey and I began laughing hysterically.  I said, 'I have never seen anything like this.'  Stacey said, 'I just don't understand why don't have any glow sticks.  Aren't they made in China?'  Sadly the light changed and our curbside show ended in tail lights.  The rest of the night I had to listen to Stacey enthusiastically sing, 'Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!' 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Score: Soccer ball 1 - Mommy's face 0

My nephews have been blessed with outstanding athletic ability.  One of my nephews has caught the attention of Major League Soccer's Chicago Fire.  They play a variety of sports and are typically the star player on the team, out performing and out scoring the other players.  My nephews' kind hearted grandmother brings a cowbell to every game.  She proudly cheers and loudly clangs her boys to victory. Needless to say, the cowbell was a hit! The other mothers commented and laughed at our family's enthusiasm.  When we cheer for our boys we mean serious business!  We get into the zone just as much as the children.  My sister's youngest child is 3 years old and already demonstrates natural talent just like his two older brothers.  During the games he occupies himself by kicking around a soccer ball.  At times we are so into cheering and clanging we forget about our surroundings.  Recently during one of their soccer games my sister was so focused on cheering for her baby, she didn't notice her 3 year old (who was occupying himself playing dodgeball) getting closer and closer to her.  I'd say he was only about 10 feet away from her when he pulled his little foot way back and kicked the soccer ball with all his might.  Again, we were in the zone and completely focused on the playing field.  Then, faster than anyone could react, in came the soccer ball, moving pretty quickly and with a nice little bit of force behind it.  My unsuspecting sister stood there cheering and clanging her heart out then SMACK! the soccer ball hit her right in the middle of her face!  My 3 year old nephew began jumping up and down happily saying, 'I got her, I got her!'  Shocked we looked at my sister, she stood there in stunned silence holding that now equally silent cowbell.  She then exhaled and said, 'I'm okay.'  My nephew's father ran to him, reminded him that he has to be very careful, the importance of not kicking the ball in the direction of people, and demanded he apologize to his mother.  He apologized and gave her a hug and a kiss.  I discreetly leaned over and asked my sister, 'When he hit you in the face, did you see him jump up and say, "YES! IN THE FAACE!" I told you not to let him watch Coming to America' we both laughed.  Then we were back to business as usual cheering for our boys.  It didn't take long at all before we all stood cheering, each of us holding and clanging our own cowbells.  It seems the Saturday Night Live writers here absolutely right ~ all we really need is MORE COWBELL!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Tummy torture

As a direct result of making healthier lifestyle choices, I can proudly say that I have recently lost 80+ pounds. I am stronger and have a lot more energy. I decided to put my newly found energy to some good use and sign up for a 5K Marathon. The JP Morgan Chase Corporate Challenge took place downtown Chicago, there were over 23,000 participants, and I was one of them! I walk/jogged 4 miles about 3 times a week for months just to assure I was ready for the challenge. I will admit, it was not what I expected. By the time I met the 2 mile marker I was already very tired. By the time I completed the marathon my body hurt from the hair down. The next day I was very sore and felt like a group of people had beaten me. My dear friend Phoebe came to visit, and make sure I was as comfortable as possible. Phoebe did everything she could for me so I didn't have to move much. She was even nice enough to make me a nice healthy lunch, and cup of tea. I had a large assortment of relaxing tea choices for her to choose from, such as Sleepytime, Relax, Calm, etc. Phoebe knows I like my tea strong so she used two bags. I gratefully sipped my hot and sweet beverage. I couldn't quite place the taste but I have so much tea and I was so tired I didn't think too hard about it. We sat watching one of our favorite shows 'The Big Bang Theory' when all of the sudden there was a rumble in my tummy and an undeniable urge to get myself to the bathroom as quickly as possible. The pain I felt jumping up from the couch, running up the stairs, and into the bathroom was horrible. It seemed as if the stairs and hallway leading to the bathroom had doubled in length. The only thing worse than that, was 'Hurricain OMG!' rapidly growing in my tummy. Phoebe, surprised at my urgency, followed me upstairs and asked what was wrong. I described my predicament to her. I heard her walk downstairs, then a moment later she came back up. From the other side of the bathroom door my dear friend began apologizing. As it turns out dear sweet Phoebe accidentally made me a nice large and strong mug of Smooth Move - A Laxative Tea. I told her she was lucky I was in too much pain to chase her. I then informed her she may NEVER bring me another beverage ever again!  Needless to say, I missed the rest of 'Big Bang Theory.'

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Gas station 911

My dear friend Phoebe, and I were in her car with her beautiful daughter.  Phoebe pulled into the gas station, got out of the car and began filling the gas tank.  Her little beauty began calling to her, Phoebe stepped under the hose toward the car, slipped and fell.  Moments later we were in the emergency room. When the x-rays came back I couldn't believe it Phoebe actually broke her leg!  Her parents and sister came to the emergency room and we began joking with her because she is the only person that breaks a limb pumping gas.  Phoebe's parents took her daughter home, her sister and I stayed with her.  The doctor ordered medication to ease the pain, most times Phoebe takes medication the side effect is extreme delirium.  The medication finally kicked in and as predicted Phoebe's behavior became animated.  She was laying on the table while the nurse tried to put the splint on her leg.  Phoebe kept wiggling and moving around so much I was surprised they didn't tie her down.  During that time the doctor (a Indian man) came in to check on her, Phoebe looked up at him and said, 'Hello doctor bang-la bang-la Bangladesh!'  I, along with the nurse, and Phoebe's sister began laughing.   The doctor smiled and said, 'I see the drugs we gave you are working.'  He then left the room.  The poor nurse struggled with Phoebe and the splint for so long that Phoebe's sister and I had to step in to try to hold Phoebe still.  At one point, the nurse asked Phoebe to turn, and faster than any of us could stop her Phoebe turned her whole body over and was laying on her stomach with her face in the pillow.  After a bit of pleading we were able to get her to turn back over.  When she sat up we saw her eye make-up was smeared all over her face, we looked at the pillow and saw there was not one single smudge of make-up.  We looked at each other amazed yet entertained.  The room Phoebe was in was actually a very large area with only various curtains pulled across for privacy.  It was easy to see into most of the other rooms.  Every time poor doctor 'Bangladesh' walked into Phoebe's line of vision she began loudly mimicking Indian music - singing 'gling ga gling ga gling, binga binga binga bing, aahhhhaaahhaaa'  her sister and I tried to stop her as quickly as we could but we are sure he and many other people heard her.  The nurse had to stop working a few times because she was laughing so hard.  Phoebe finally had the splint on her leg and the drugs were wearing off, leaving her in a daze.  The doctor came back in and happily said, 'Hello Phoebe, it's doctor Bangladesh.'  We began laughing, puzzled Phoebe looked at us and said, 'What? I don't get it.'  As we informed her about her antics she grew more and more red from embarrassment.  She began apologizing to the good humored doctor.  Luckily he was very nice, laughed and said, 'No worries, Phoebe your singing reminds me of home.'  I think Phoebe turning purple with embarrassment was satisfaction enough for our cool Doctor bang-la bang-la Bangladesh.  

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Silly shar shar song

My dear friend Phoebe and I took my young niece to the dentist so she can have braces put on, my niece was understandably nervous, however Phoebe and I managed to keep her calm.   After the braces were on my niece was upset because her speech was slightly slurred.   Majority of her words sounded like she was saying, 'Shar shar shar shar.' She was worried about what her peers would say once they heard her, and was almost in tears.   Phoebe and I told her she was going to make 'Shar' the hot new word everyone is going to start using. We told her she was going to start an awesome new trend! She giggled and smiled a little.   Phoebe and I even went so far as to make up a song to make her laugh.
(this is our little song)
Shar shar shar shar,
Yo momma don't wear no socks,
I saw her when she took them off
She threw them on the fence,
I haven't seen the neighbors since!
Shar shar shar shar
Your momma don't wear no socks,
I saw her when she took them off,
She threw them in the sky,
Now the birds refuse to fly!
Shar shar shar shar
Yo momma don't wear no socks,
I saw her when she took them off,
She threw them on the bed,
Oh my gosh - my teddy bear is dead!
Shar shar shar shar
I know our song isn't going to make it to the top of any music charts, but I was thankful my niece was smiling and laughing throughout the entire song.   By the time we dropped her off at home she was just fine.    

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Fool-ash goulash

My buddy Johnny knows exactly what to say and do to push my buttons.  Very often we enjoy giving each other a hard time, luckily both of us know how to take humorous criticism just as easily as we know how to dish-it-out.  He knows I adore my cell phone, the fact that the screen on my phone is larger than the cell phone of most, and the color is quite vivid - it is just an all around great phone!  I never miss an opportunity to remind him that my phone is brand new and ahead of its time and he may as well use two cans connected with a string.  Johnny invited me to his house for dinner, his family was there including his Fiance Monica, and our mutual friend Lexi.  His Mom makes delicious chicken soup, we all were happy to see that is what she made.  We all sat at the table enjoying our meal.  Johnny asked if he could look at my phone, without hesitation I handed him my prized possession.  He briefly looked at it then said, 'Would you like to see my new phone?  I just picked it up today.'  Immediately, I knew I was in trouble.  Beaming with pride and a big smile on his face, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his new phone.  I have to admit, it was beautiful!  The screen was larger than my screen, the color was brilliant and seemed to make my color look abysmal at best.  The internet was super fast and it was all around a superior phone.  I discreetly reached out, picked up my phone, and tried to put it back into my pocket.  Johnny immediately stopped me and said, 'Oh no! Don't put your phone away now! Leave it out!'  Everyone at the table began laughing, there was nothing I could do other than maintain my composure and hope my ego didn't get too hurt while Johnny proceeded to belittle my poor phone.  He held them up side by side pointing out all the ways his phone trumped my phone.  I really had to focus to keep my 'I don't care' poker-face.  Johnny even began singing a song about the two phones while making them do a little dance together.  Then, to my delight, the heavens opened, and Johnny accidentally dropped his awesome new cell phone directly into his large bowl of steaming hot chicken soup!  PLUNK!  Everyone at the table let out a collective gasp!  I quickly picked up my phone, taking it out of harms brothy way.  Johnny frantically tried to remove his phone from the moat of chicken soup.  I began laughing uncontrollably.  It was my pleasure to watch him utter profanities as he fumbled with the phone and accidentally drop it right back into the bowl.  Needless to say the phone turned off and would not turn back on.  I looked at him and said, 'Would you like me to give you a ride to Verizon tomorrow?'  He glared at me.  Lexi asked him if he had insurance and a warranty on his phone.  I began asking him what package he had, was it the Pollo Loco Package? The Souper Soup Special?  The 4G Poultry?  Everyone laughed, luckily he has a great sense of humor and laughed as well.  I just couldn't resist.  The rest of the evening, about every 45 minutes or so I kept asking him, 'Hey, can I borrow your phone? OOOH, that's right.'  I also occasionally sang, 'Chicken chicken cluck cluck, chicken chicken cluck cluck.'  I also repeatedly looked at him and said, 'Can you hear me now? BAGAWK!'  My impression of a chicken is not top notch but definitely served it's purpose!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Who's afraid of the big bad Buttons?

When I was very young my loving Daddy took my sister and I to see Ringling Brothers Circus.  It was a lot of fun!  We saw lions, tigers, and bears performing very cool tricks.  Tight rope walkers, contortionists, trapeze artists, and much more.  I was having a very good time, I heard the Ringmaster say, "Bring out the clowns!"  I along with everyone else in the Big Top began clapping with excitement.  However as soon as I took one look at the clowns my excitement quickly disappeared and tremendous fear took its place.  I watched these hideous creatures emerge from the back curtain.  Many dressed like vagabonds, wearing ridiculous over sized shoes, pale white faces, & rings of blood around their mouths.  They approached, making their way up and into the crowd.  At first I sat there eyes wide and frozen with fear, until two of them got a little too close.  In the blink of an eye I was perched up on top of my Daddy's shoulders, holding onto his neck, digging my nails in, screaming for dear life.  My younger sister sat calmly looking up at me as if I were absolutely insane.  I remember the clowns in our section looked very surprised, and my Daddy holding his hand up halting them from getting any closer.  Obviously I had no idea I was exceedingly afraid of clowns.  Still, to this day I make 100% sure to stay far far away from them.  For years following our ONE trip to the circus my loving Daddy having the awesome sense of humor that he has, found it quite comical to loudly ask if Ronald can come to the window every time we went through the McDonald's drive-thru.  I tensed up every time and he laughed as we drove away.   

Friday, June 1, 2012

Reason #216 I don't talk to my coworkers

Except for a select few, I pretty much keep to myself while at work.  Other than a smile and simple 'Hello' in passing I do not typically reach out to people for conversation.  My friends tell me I should give people a chance and try initiating conversation.  One day, while in the cafeteria, a woman I've seen a few times sat next to me.  She was reading an article in a magazine about the movie Snakes On a Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson.  Recalling my friends suggestion, I thought I'd give it a shot - (this is the conversation that followed)

Me:  Have you seen that movie?
Coworker:  What movie?
Me:  Snakes On A Plane.
Coworker:  No, I don't think I've ever even heard of it.  What is it about?
Me:  You mean aside from the obvious? Snakes on a plane.
Coworker:  No, I said I didn't see it. What is it about?
Me:  Umm, snakes on a plane.  You will probably get just as much information from the article you are reading and not have to sit through the movie. 
Coworker:  What article?
Me:  (pause) The one right there in front of you - that you are reading.
Coworker:  Is that what this is about?  I wondered what this was.
Me:  (sigh) Well, my break is over.  Good luck.

I should have known better.  I made a mental note to think twice before following some of the advice I get from my friends.  As I walked away I wondered how many of my brain cells just commit suicide.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Nine-to-five sex machine

Many workplaces prohibit the use of cellular phones.  They typically require the employees turn off the devices.  However most of the employees prefer to silence their phones.  I've learned there is a difference between silencing the ringer and media volumes.  Before I learned this valuable lesson, in one of my previous workplaces I simply silenced the ringer, leaving the media volume at it's highest level.  I use my Pandora app on a daily basis and have it on my home screen.  I had my phone in my pocket and one of my old supervisors came to my desk and asked me to come with him to another associates desk.  While we walked down the quiet corridor I put my hand in my pocket and accidentally enabled Pandora.  It was set on one of my favorite stations - The Godfather of Soul James Brown.  As we walked down the quiet corridor, to my dismay and quite loudly 'Sex Machine' began playing.  The surprised supervisor looked at me, I quickly took my phone out of my pocket and fumbled trying to turn it off.  The supervisor giggled while watching me trying to stifle the inappropriate golden oldie.  After I turned it off, I looked at him and said, 'Do you still want me to give that seminar about appropriate conduct in the workplace?'  The supervisor began laughing and shaking his head. 

Friday, May 25, 2012

Doped up Mamma

My best friend Lani's mother Thia had same day surgery, after the surgery we took her home to rest.  The side effects of the anesthesia were still very strong making her say off-the-wall things to us.  Thia was resting nicely in her bed while Lani and I watched TV.  She called out to Lani, we both went into her bedroom.  Frustrated and an a daze, she looked at Lani and said, "Why do you have that goat tied up on a rope in the backyard? You have to put it on a chain, you know it's just going to chew through the rope.'  She then immediately fell back asleep.  We both began laughing at her delirium, of course there was no goat anywhere to be found.  Our laughter woke her up again, this time she sat up and said, 'What the heck are you doing with a goat anyways?  But I am glad you named it Shakira.'  She laid back onto her pillows and again was sound asleep.  Lani and I left her bedroom giggling, both commenting on how we are very excited to tease her about this for a long time.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Whippersnapper gourmet

I asked my nieces and nephews to tell me their favorite foods and how to prepare them, this is what they said:

Banana Pudding
get yellow pudding
add vanilla cookies
cut up bananas
put them in there
put it in refrigerator
after dinner - its done 

get it out of the freezer
take it out of the package
cook it in the oven on 30 degrees for about 4 minutes
eat it  

Mashed Potatoes
peel potatoes
put in bowl
use the thing that makes it twirl around
cook it on the stove for 4 minutes    

Barbeque Chicken
put barbeque sauce on chicken
put chicken in the oven on 6 degrees for 5 minutes
then you eat it. 

Macaroni and Pork Chops
put cheese in pot and make macaroni
put the white sugar stuff on something flat
add pork chops
put in a super hot oven for 10 minutes
then eat it  

Hamburger Helper
put hamburger helper in pot
cook for 2 minutes
then eat it  

Homemade Cookies
buy cookie dough
mush it in a circle
put it in oven for 65 minutes
the oven has to be really really hot
then eat it. 

White Rice
get the rice
you need 1/3 cup of water
put the water in a pot
put 2 cups of rice in the pot
put the pot on the stove
stir it in five minutes
put butter in it
and its done.

Coconut Shrimp
get 6 shrimp
put the little pieces of shrimp in a little bowl
3 coconuts sliced in little pieces
mix the coconut and the shrimp together   
cook in a bowl in the refrigerator for 10 minutes
it tastes totally yummy and you can eat it every day!

Sweet potato fries
(this is a secret recipe so don't tell anyone, you have to write it down)
you need rice
real french fries
you need really really really sweet, sweet potatoes
you put it in a hot pot
then put it in a little pot
you need to mix it
need to put fruit in it
bananas, cucumbers, and mango
cook it for 2 minutes half

I hope you enjoy some of their favorites.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Shower shimmy slip and slide

I have always felt a bit awkward when showering away from home.  I spent the night at my friend Phoebe's house, the next morning I awoke before Phoebe and her young beautiful daughter and decided to take my shower.  I quietly gathered up my shower necessities and made my way to the bathroom.  I turned on the shower, after a moment of trial and error finally set the water to the perfect temperature.  Stepping into the shower I noticed their tub did not have a mat nor did they have any of the little no slip stickies many people use as a safety precaution.  As soon as I stepped into the tub I noticed it was extremely slippery.  I made sure to step very carefully while showering.  I washed my body and shampooed my hair, as I turned my back to the streaming water I slipped and began to fall.  Of course I didn't fall like a normal person.  I inadvertently let out a loud scream, & desperately tried to regain my footing.  Instead, I briefly became the worlds greatest dancer, I ended up doing the running man, percolator, butterfly, and moonwalk.  As I began my descend I managed to bring down with me every single loofa, all bottles of shower soap, shampoo, and conditioner.  Before I knew it I went from standing, to dancing, to sitting positions.  I found myself sitting in a few inches of water, with various skin and hair care bottles floating all around me and a mountain of shampoo bubbles on top of my head.  I very slowly and carefully got back up, rinsed my hair, turned off the water, stepped out of the shower, and did my best to restore Phoebe's shower back to it's normal condition.  Phoebe's bedroom is the first door you approach after leaving the bathroom.  I emerged from the dangerous water closet and noticed Phoebe and her daughter awake and laying in her bed talking.  I stepped into her bedroom and said, "Did the soothing sounds of my shower turned disaster area wake you two up?'  Pheobe looked at me puzzled and said, 'What happened?'  I said, 'Are you serious?  You didn't hear that?  I screamed and fell - loudly.'  Phoebe said, 'Oh my gosh, I didn't hear anything, are you ok?'  Her young beauty said, 'Mommy, I woke you up and said, I think Kimolie fell in the shower.'  Surprised Phoebe said, 'You did?'  Her daughter said, 'Yes and you said, she will be alright, and fell back asleep!'  I started laughing, looked at Phoebe and said, 'Geez, thanks a lot!'  Phoebe turned bright red and began laughing and apologizing.  I had no choice but to take away Phoebe's lifeguard merit badge.   

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Weekend wig warrior

At one of my previous workplaces one of my coworkers was a fun little cute elderly woman.  She constantly wore an array of various wigs.  I remember she was always looking forward to the weekend, but she would never tell us what she did with her weekends.  I used to joke with her calling her party animal, and telling her she was going to get arrested for selling wigs out of the trunk of her car.  I also enjoyed asking her if her weekend wigs drove her home on the nights she had a little too much to drink, she would just laugh and laugh.  One Friday she came rushing into work running a little late.  I took one look at her and began laughing hysterically because her wig was cocked to the side.  I nicely pointed it out, she giggled and straightened it out.  I begged her to to leave it the way it was and told her that her secret was finally out - I said I was 100% certain she was a 'Wig wearing gang bangin Granny!' I spent a nice portion of our morning showing her how to make the letter 'W' with her hand.  After much persuasion, I was able to get her to hold her W-shaped hand and in the air, and in her sweet little voice declare 'Wigs fool!'

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Intimate indescretion uploaded

My friend Samantha shared an unusual story with me.  She recently upgraded her cell phone and now has a new Android.  In case you didn't already know this, Android is associated with Google.  If you don't have a Google account you are prompted to set one up when you get your new phone.  Samantha began adjusting settings and creating her new Google email address, she received a message asking if she would like to join Google+.  She wasn't 100% sure what Google+ is nevertheless she selected/clicked 'Agree', adjusted a few more settings then put her phone down for the night.  The next day she noticed little pop up messages alerting her that her pictures were successfully uploaded.  Curious where her pictures were going, she logged into her new account, and made her way into Google+.  The first thing she noticed was an abundance of messages waiting for her.  The content of the messages just didn't make sense.  Samantha quickly noticed and was devastated to see ALL of her pictures and ALL of her videos were now available for public viewing.  The pictures were NOT something she would like anyone in the world to see. In an attempt to be as delicate as possible, most of the pictures and videos were extremely explicit, and vividly showed Samantha and her very loving husband doing things that only a married couple should.  Horrified and very close to having a panic attack, she hurriedly began to remove the ever incriminating evidence from world wide view.  Delete, delete, delete, delete, she just couldn't click away the embarrassment fast enough.  Finally, and what seemed like an eternity later, the pictures and videos were gone.  She closed the entire account and tried to figure out exactly how she was going to explain this to her husband.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Smell my finger

I recently visited a specialty store to purchase Effusion Lamps and scented oils for my dear friends Lexi, Bernie, and Josie.  It was fun looking through all the different sparkly colored lamps.  I was lucky enough to find each of them lamps that were all different but the same, matching their unique and colorful sparkly personalities.  Once I selected the lamps it was time to smell all of the various aromas to find the best of the best just like my girls.  I settled on Juniper Breeze and Creme Brulee, only 1 more left.  There was one scent that did not have a tester, it was Love Spell.  I picked up the bottle but the oil is so concentrated all I could smell was alcohol.  One of the workers asked me if they could assist me, I mentioned there was no tester and I really wanted to smell this scent.  She looked around and could not find the tester. (this is the conversation that ensued)
Me:  "Do you have anything you can dip into the bottle, like a Q-tip?"
Worker:  "No, I don't have anything.  Here, I will dip my finger in the bottle!"
Me:   "When I woke up this morning I did not think I was going to get the opportunity to smell             anyone's finger today.  Is there any way I can avoid smelling your finger?"
Worker: (smiling) "How about if I wash my hands?"
Me:  (laughing) "OK, go ahead."
The worker went to the back for a moment, then returned holding her hands up and said, "All clean!"  She walked over to the display, picked up the bottle, removed the cap, and stuck her index finger into the bottle of scented oil.  She began wiggling her finger around and kind of shaking the bottle.  I said, "Do I need to shake the oil before using it?"  She said, "Um, no, it's just, I kind of, ouch! My finger is stuck!"  I couldn't believe it!  She began pulling harder and harder on the bottle and gasping in pain.  I asked, "Are you OK?  Does it burn?"  She said, "No, I just can't get my finger out!"  I kept a safe distance because I know once oil gets into your clothes, there is slim to no change of ever getting it out.  Finally, her phalange was free!  After a big sigh of relief she began waving her tortured finger in front of my nose and said, "Here, how does this smell?"  It was distracting to try to smell her finger while it quickly flailed about directly in front of my face.  In order to take a good smell, I had to hold her hand still.  Of course, as I stood there holding her hand and smelling her finger, a gentleman walked by.  The sight of us stopped him in his tracks.  For a brief moment the three of us stood there looking at each other.  I said to the gentleman, "Originally she asked me to pull it, but I thought that would be just silly."  They both laughed.  Eventually the aroma of the oil came through and smelled pretty good.  Ultimately, I bought the scent.  Deep down, I thought it would be kind of funny if after all of her time and effort I said, "Nah, smells to much like hand."

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Rollback red herring

One day two of my friends Tiffany M., Much, and I wanted to put our courage to the test.  We each put on navy blue shirts and khaki pants, and went to a very popular super center to see if we can impersonate workers without being asked to leave the store.  It is pretty safe to say of the three of us I was definitely the most hesitant.  We walked into the store and headed straight for the back (mostly because I was terrified).  We went to the toy section and began straightening, it only took a few minutes before people began walking up to us asking various questions.  Every time someone asked Much where they could locate an item, he sent them in the opposite direction of the item's actual location.  We sat in the employee break room for 15 minutes.  I was still terrified and uncomfortable, Tiffany calmly looked through magazines, Much appeared right at home and was as comfortable as he could be.  The three of us walked around the store, on two separate occasions walked right by 2 different managers one of which actually smiled and said "Hello."  We went to the front of the store and initiated conversation with actual associates taking a smoke break.  After that we went back inside and Tiffany started greeting customers as they entered the store.  I was shocked and could not stop laughing when she stopped two different shoppers to check their receipts, and sent one of them to the customer service desk.  When Tiffany began checking receipts I thought it was in our best interest to leave very soon. Partly because I couldn't stop laughing, but more so because I literally felt a chill run down my spine when I saw Much walk confidently into the bakery, behind the counter, and help a girl pick up a large amount of cookies she accidentally dropped.  Each of the two times we walked by a manager I thought we were in trouble for sure.  We were there at least an hour and not even one actual associate or manager questioned us.  When we reminisce about this we laugh, Tiffany and Much could probably do things like this on a daily basis, I however am too chicken.   

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Screaming emergency procedures

At one of my previous places of employment when we had a bunch of new hires the management staff would rotate in and out of the training room teaching our own various areas of specialty. One of my areas of specialty was Emergency Procedures. I was fighting to over come a respiratory infection and ended up with clogged/muffled ears. As a result, it was a little harder for me to hear than normal. I just received medication from the doctor that Thursday to speed up the recovery process. I trained the new hires the following Friday, only day 2 taking the medication and still muffled. Unbeknownst to me, as a direct result of my clogged ears I ended up screaming at these poor new hires the entire time I was with them. None of them said anything or gave me any kind of a heads up. I literally screamed at these poor people for hours. At the beginning of each new week a member of our management staff that did not train the prior week would come in and ask the class how their training was going and for any feedback. The new hires said I was nice, however I yelled at them the entire day. After hearing that, the manager tracked me down and filled me in. I was very surprised and couldn't believe they thought I was yelling at them. We ended up going back into the class room together to get some more information. After asking more and more questions and doing more and more talking, not to mention someone pointing out that I was not yelling at them right then and there. We slowly figured out it was my temporarily distorted hearing that made me speak louder than normal. I guess I thought if I couldn't hear me they really couldn't hear me. We finally got it all straightened out. After that, when anyone in that class would see me in passing they would yell out a greeting and chuckle.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Tickle me Jesus

I am very ticklish, even the slightest little tickle sends me into hysterics.  Years ago, back in my junior high and high school days, I regularly served as an altar girl at our church.  The usage of cell phones and pagers was not allowed during any church services.  One particular Sunday, instead of turning off my pager, I chose to simply silence all sounds and keep it on my side under my robe.  Church service was moving along nicely, and right on schedule it was time for communion.  As Pastor and I stood in front of our large congregation my pager began to vibrate.  I almost never set it to vibrate so I had no idea just how strong the setting was.  I immediately begin squirming and doing my best to maintain composure.  The vibration of the pager directly on my side was in prime tickle zone, making it almost unbearable and impossible to get to under my robe.  Right when I almost lost my poise the pager stopped.  A big wave of relieve came over me, as I did not want to spill any of the wine, and the congregation was already lining up to receive communion.  Little did I know, my pager had a offering of it's own.  Exactly one minute later and once every minute thereafter my pager vibrated a reminder for about 3 seconds.  By the time communion was over, as a direct result of my repeated giggles and flinching, I am pretty sure a nice handful of our church goers thought I suffered from some type of tourettes or thought I was completely insane.  Needless to say, moving forward I turned my pager off during church.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Hidden hotel heinousness

Lexi, Lani, and I went to Georgia for the weekend to go sight seeing. The first thing we did was check into the hotel. As usual I had to use the restroom, Lexi, knows me almost better than anyone and knew I would make a run for it as soon as we entered our room. Of course that is exactly what happened. She also knows that I feel obligated to inspect my hotel room for cleanliness and damage of any sort, every single time I stay in one. As predicted I did just that, I looked all over the room, during my inspection I asked Lani, "Where did Lexi go?" she said, "She had to run back down to the car." It just so happened that the closet was the last place I chose to look. I walked up the the closet and slid open the door. At first all I saw was the silhouette of a person standing in a dark closet. Lexi illuminated the display on her phone and held it under her chin so the light would shine up and distort her face. It took a second for what I was seeing to actually register mentally, when it finally did I screamed, slammed shut the closet door, and began to run out of the hotel room. Lani also knows me very well, & knew I was a runner. She jumped in my way and grabbed me so I couldn't escape. Lexi emerged from the closet laughing so hard she started coughing, at this point Lani was also laughing hysterically and her face was a crimson red. As I realized it was just Lexi in the closet my fear slowly went away, however the distinctly urgent and all too familiar urge to visit the restroom returned.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Semi scared spouse

I went to spend the weekend at my dear friend Stacey's house. We played games, made dinner, danced & listened to music. Aside from the fact that her husband played a mean and scary joke on both of us, we had a great night. The next day the three of us took a mini road trip to visit a museum located about 2 hours away. Stacey was nice enough to drive, her husband was in the front seat, and I sat in the back. Stacey's hubby fell asleep, leaving us no choice but to try to think of a way to pay him back for the scare he gave us the night before. We thought of a few things none of which seemed good enough. All of the sudden Stacey said, "I got it watch this!" We saw one semi cab pulling another semi cab. Neither cab had a storage compartment attached to it, and at a glance it looked like two semi cabs were connected at the back wheels. Stacey drove our car up closer than normal to the backwards facing semi, so we could see the word MACK very clearly and closely. Then she started screaming as loudly as she could! Her snoozing spouse quickly woke up, immediately saw the semi directly in front of the car, flinched and screamed in terror. Stacey quickly put a safe distance between our vehicle and the semi in tote and began laughing hysterically. Her husband sat wild eyed and shaking from fright, I was laughing so hard I almost had a little accident of my own. I am pretty sure that to this day Stacey's husband has never played another joke on her, and he will most likely think twice before doing it ever again.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The frustrated, the quivering, & the senseless

At one point in time, my buddy CK and I used to work together.  A major part of our job description required us to speak to a large amount on people on a daily basis.  While sitting in the break room with another coworker whom we didn't know very well, CK began to calmly vent saying "One of my biggest pet peeves on a daily basis is the amount of people that don't know that a couple is 2, a few is 2 to 4, and several is 5 or more."  Laughing, and amused with his frustration, I agreed.  The coworker chimed in saying, "Yeah, what is their problem?  They must be Mormon."  I sat there looking at him wild-eyed and muted in disbelief.  I thought to myself, 'Did he really just say that?'  I also silently wondered what Mormons have to do with CK's statement?  CK, being the exceedingly clever person that he is said, "Hey, take it easy, my wives are Mormon!"  I sat there quivering, trying to contain my laughter, while the coworker looked at CK with a very surprised and embarrassed look on his face.  The coworker fumbled to excuse himself and quickly disappeared from the break room.  Well played CK, well played.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Father knows best

Of course when I was very young & too little to attend school my first teachers were my parents.  My Dad taught me many many things.  Thanks to his comedic mind some of the things he taught me were real and some were less than accurate.  He being a military man, taught me military time.  Our home clocks were all set to military time as well.  He also taught me that if I kissed my elbow I would turn into a boy.  He said dinosaurs are extinct because they were smokers.  My Dad is my Mom's senior by 8 years however he insists they met because she used to babysit him.  It wasn't until I was in school that I realized after twelve hundred hours, the numbers started over again with one.  Initially after hearing this  I was certain my teacher was a complete imbecile and couldn't wait to get home to tell my father about the insanity she tried to instill.  My Dad laughed as I tried to convince him just how crazy my teacher was.  After this happened a few more times, I thought it would be wise to verify some of his teachings with my Mom.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Au naturale associate

Many years ago I used to work at Venture with my best friend Lexi and one of our buddy's Nathan.  One night business was particularly slow and we were really bored.  Nathan, Lexi, and I went out to "straighten and clean" the store.  This really meant we went walking around to stay out of sight.  We came across a men's shirt one of the customers left in the toy department, and decided to take it back to its rightful place.  In an effort to entertain Nathan and Lexi, I picked up the shirt and carefully placed it over my torso with the sleeves placed over my arms so it appeared as if I were wearing the shirt.  I walked with my chest puffed up and arms bowed as if I were quite muscular.  As predicted Nathan and Lexi did chuckle in response to my show.  As we approached the men's department, unbeknownst to me, Nathan reached over, grabbed the bottom corner of the shirt and quickly whipped it off my chest.  I was so engulfed in my acting that I screamed and reached up to cover my chest.  It only took me a second or two to realize I did still have my work shirt on and that I wasn't exposed.  Unfortunately I screamed a little louder than I would have liked to, and there was no way for me to play this off.  At this point Nathan and Lexi were both laughing hysterically. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Senior citizen gone wild

I won an all expenses paid trip to visit Sea World in San Antonio, TX and took one of my best friends Lexi with me.  We loved it!  Amongst other things our hotel provided complimentary shuttle transportation anywhere within a 5 mile radius.  After one of our outings we were dropped off at Walmart.  As I went down the steps exiting the shuttle, I did not realize my T-Shirt became hooked on one of the rails.  Every step I took down the steps, up went my shirt.  I made it down 3 steps before I realized what was happening.  There was a cute little old lady waiting to get on the shuttle to go back to the hotel and witnessed the whole thing.  As I quickly pulled my shirt down, I could feel my face heating up with embarrassment.  The amused elderly woman giggled & said, "My turn!"  I smiled back at her and said, "You know you owe me a dollar right?"  She began laughing and said, "I'll leave it for you at the front desk."  I love a good sport!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Big biker bigger heart

While standing in line at the grocery store, I found myself standing behind a tough looking middle-aged biker guy, with his arms full of groceries.  He was tall, had a large muscular build, lots of tattoos, wearing Harley Davidson gear, full facial hair, a bandanna, & the whole nine.  We both stood in line quietly, the next thing I knew the Cuppy Cake song by Strawberry Shortcake started playing.  If you are not familiar with this song.  It sounds like a child about 3 years old is singing.  The music in the background sounds very similar to a nursery rhyme lullaby.  A few of the words are "You're my hunny bunch sugar plum, you're my sweetie pie, you're my cuppy cake, gum drop, you're the apple of my eye, and I love you so and I want you to know that I'll always be right here, and I love to sing, songs to you because you are so dear."  The big tough guy began juggling his groceries trying to quickly get to his cell phone.  He finally answered it, had a brief conversation & ended the call.  He turned around to see me laughing & said, 'That was my daughter.'  I said "That was the cutest thing I've seen all day."  He smiled and said, "Thanks, she knows I don't know to change the ringer on my phone."  I said, "And I hope you never figure it out!"  He laughed and nodded in agreement.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Squabbling solution

My best friend Lani's two smallest kids went through a phase where it seemed all they did was bicker and fight with each other non stop day and night.  It got to the point where they would even wake her up just to tattle on each other.  One day her twosome was being particularly bratty so we decided to teach them a little lesson.  Luckily it was the weekend, we made sure to wake up before they did, Lani ran into her daughters room and woke her up saying "Kimolie hit me!" I then ran into the room and said, "No I didn't she was hitting me!" We then began playfully hitting each other, pulling each others shirts, and ran out of the room.  Her daughter looked at us with a very confused look on her face.  We went into her sons room and did the same thing, then went at sat on the couch.  The kids came out of their rooms, looked at each other and asked us if we had been fighting.  We looked at them as if they were absolutely insane.  We told them that we behave properly and do not do things like that.  It left them a little confused for the next hour or two.  The good news is they never woke her up again fighting.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Screaming sucker punch

One night I spent the night at a friends house for the first time.  Our personalities are pretty similiar and she enjoys a nice prank just as much as I do.  It got pretty late and we were ready for bed, I was going to sleep in the family room.  She said "Good night" and went to her bedroom.  I thought it would be a good idea to make sure the front door was locked and turn off all the lights in her apartment.  After the lights were out the apartment was completly dark, there wasnt even the smallest bit of light for me to use to assure I didnt trip over any furniture.  As usual my cell phone was in my pocket, I used the light from my phone to safely get to the bathroom. By now my friend had snuck out of her bedroom knowing I would go to the bathroom before going to bed and very quietly waited for me to walk by.  Right as I walked up to the bathroom she jumped out screaming 'RAAAH!'  In return I screamed and without thinking accidentally punched her right in the mouth with the hand holding my phone.  For a brief moment we both stood there surprised looking at each other.  We then erupted with laughter, she stood there with her hand over her mouth and said, 'I cant believe you hit me!'  I was doubled over laughing, trying to both apolozie and control my bladder. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Scratch N Spoof

I came across fake winning lottery scratch off tickets.  I decided to pass them out at work to a few unsuspecting coworkers.  One or two people briefly fell for my trick, while another coworker knew from the beginning.  However one coworker in particular really took the bait.  She jumped up from her desk and came running to my desk waiving the scratch off in the air.  She was overwhelmed with excitement saying, "Kimberly, look at this, look at this, oh my gosh, I will totally split this with you! Thank you thank you!" Other coworkers gathered around and took turns looking at the card.  Our supervisor came over looked at the card, turned it over and read the back, handed the card back to my coworker, and said 'Congratulations', then smiled at me and walked away.  It was very hard to keep from laughing, the other coworkers figured out the scratch off was a rouse and a few began laughing.  The bogus winner was still elated until someone asked her how she planned to redeem her winnings.  Finally she took a moment to read the back of the card and realized it was all a joke.  Luckily she took the joke very well and asked me where she can find the trick cards so she could attempt to do the same thing to her family.  Gotta love a good sport!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Typing Tourettes

When my oldest brother was a professional athlete he traveled to many different countries all over the world.  A few times he was nice enough to bring me along for the ride.  When he is outside of the United States of America most of his correspondence is done via email.  I never took time to think that keyboards are set up differently in different countries.  One day I was out on the balcony taking in the view and I heard him making odd sounds.  "Aaat"  "Ooop"  "Ugh"  "No!" I walked back in to see him struggling over the computer trying to email one of his coaches.  I said, "What are you doing?" He proceeded to show me all the different little symbols.  It was quite comical watching him striking various keys mildly frustrated looking for familiar punctuation. 

Offspring ordure

One day I went to visit my buddy CK.  He was telling me how his toddler son was adjusting to being potty trained. Just then his strikingly handsome son happily walked into the room beaming with pride & said, "Daddy I pooped." CK:  "You did? Wow good job buddy! Did you poop in the big boy potty?"
Son: "No"
CK:  "No? Where did you poop?"
Son:  "I pooped in the closet."
CK:   "In the closet!?!"
Son:  "Yes, in Mommy's closet."
I watched CK's eyes grow very big as he stared down at his son.  I said "Good luck with that!"  CK looked at me and said, "Yeah, this should be good."  As they walked away to investigate, I heard CK say "Did you at least poop on some of her shoes so we can get rid of them?  All I could do was sit there and laugh.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Boss bubble blooper

When I finish my lunch at work I usually clean the plastic container so it isn't as much of a chore that night when I do the dishes.  One day I thought in addition to dish soap, it would be a good idea to use the boiling hot water from the coffee machine opposed to water from the sink.  I added a nice squirt of dish soap and an ample amount of steaming hot water into the container.  Put the lid on tightly and thought, if I give this a good shake it will really clean out the container nicely.   I vigorously shook the container forgetting about simple laws of physics and the remote possibility of pressure building.  I put the container on the counter and reached for paper tower then all of the sudden the lid loudly popped off the container spraying a large amount of bubbles all over me.  I had bubbles all over the front of my shirt, bubbles on my shoulder, my cheek, and a tall tower of bubbles right on top of my head.  As I stood there surprised and literally covered in bubbles our workplace big boss walked into the small kitchenette area. When he saw me he stopped in his tracks and his eyes grew huge.  All I could do was nervously chuckle and say, 'Isn't today Take a Shower at Work day?'  He began laughing harder than I had ever seen before and said, 'I don't think I got that email but I like your team spirit.'  He made himself a cup of coffee and watched me try to wipe away all the bubbles laughing the entire time.

Naughty bridge boys

When we were kids there was a park located at the entrance to our subdivision.  To access the park you had to walk over a wooden bridge.  The fall from the bridge appeared to be pretty threatening however the bridge is actually only about one foot off the ground.  The the location of the bridge leading to the park resulted in people constantly driving by entering or leaving the subdivision.  We always gathered to play at the park.  The boys enjoyed hanging out on the bridge waiting until a car was coming.  They would pretend to fight, pick up one kid and throw him over the bridge right as the car was passing by.  In horror and panic the drivers came to screeching halts.  They would jump out of their cars and run over to check on the overthrown prankster.  However by the time they made it to the bridge all the boys had already run away laughing hysterically.  Leaving the concerned driver confused and ultimately enraged.  The boys repeated this prank until an observant driver recognized one of them and drove to his mother's house to inform her of her sons behavior.  She came to the park and put a stop to their fun pretty quickly.      

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Emergency room or mental ward?

I recently had to take a loved one to the emergency room.  As we first walk into the ER we see two security guards wrestle a screaming and fighting man down to the floor and restrain him.  While sitting in the waiting room we saw a man repeatedly pluck a single eyebrow hair, blow it from his finger tip, quickly reach out, catch it, and slap the single hair back onto his face.  We also saw a man in a very brightly colored neon green shirt wearing dark sunglasses, playing an invisible drum set.  I am not quite sure why but for some reason the cymbals were located behind him.  So we watched him frantically playing the (again invisible) drums directly in front of him.  We tried not to laugh when he turned around to strike those important cymbals.  The best part about his show, is he was making the sounds with his mouth the whole time!  Never again will I buy tickets to a show, from now on I will simply take a trip to the local emergency room. 

Disorderly Drill

One night my friend Bernie and I watched a scary movie, in this movie there were two girls home alone and some people broke into their house and the horror ensued.  When the movie was over Bernie and I looked at each other and asked each other, 'Are you scared?' 'No' 'Are you scared?' 'No'  It was pretty late and time for bed and there was no way either of us was willing to go upstairs alone.  Once we got upstairs we began to devise an action plan just in case someone breaks into the house. Bernie said, 'I have a weapon under my bed!' I said, 'OK, I will time you - 1 2 3 GO!'  Bernie ran into her room and dove under her bed, she began squirming around & throwing out all these shoes, laughing and saying "ooh I was looking for this!"  She finally emerged, weapon in hand and a big smile of satisfaction on her face.  Laughing I said, 'Umm, it has been six minutes, we are all dead.'  Now it is my turn to stop the unwanted intruder and save us! Bernie now timing me said, '1 2 3 GO!'  I ran into my room looked around, and I didn't see anything remotely close to a weapon.  I find my Shake Weight and wonder if I can fight off someone without it repeatedly hitting me back at the same time.  All the while I am running around my bedroom Bernie is shaking her head and almost doubled over in laughter.  I look at my bed and see the abundance of pillows and decide all I can do is try to pillow fight them into submission.  I'd say a self defense class is definitely in order.

Salad with a cape

I recently went out to dinner with my three handsome brothers.  Most of the meals come with your choice of soup or salad.  The server went around the table asking each of us for our orders.  As usual my older brother was on the phone conducting business.  When his turn came he politely gave his dinner selection.  The patient server said, "Soup or Salad?" My brother replied, "Yeah, that's cool."  Our now puzzled server repeated his previous statement, "Soup or Salad Sir" my brother (still on his phone said) "Yeah man, let me get that." At that moment the rest of us started laughing, my middle brother gets his elders attention and says, "Do you want SOUP or SALAD?"  My older brother looks at the server and said, "Oh sorry man, a salad please with French dressing, thank you." The server smiles, nods and walked away.  My younger brother said, "What did you think he said?"  Our elder said, "I thought he asked me if I wanted a Super Salad" I said, "OK, I have to ask, only because we all know you are just crazy. Did you think it was a huge salad or did you expect him to bring out a salad bowl with a red cape on it? & If it did come with the cape, does the S on the cape stand for Suuuper Salaaad!?!" I will have a very good time occasionally reminding him of that moment for the rest of our lives.

Gangsta Greeter

The first sign that you have just entered Walmart in the 'hood' - instead of a mildly comatose senior citizen wearing a blue vest and a glazed over look on their face.  You are greeted by a scruffy looking guy in his late thirties with a big tattoo on his neck, a blue vest hanging out of his back pocket, who has brilliantly replaced "Welcome to Walmart" with "Suup".

Monday, January 16, 2012

Rudimentary representation

One of my all time favorite people is a school teacher.  I went to school with my dear friend to help her out for a day.  One of her students parents unexpectedly stopped by to talk to her about the most recent homework assignment.  The concerned parent brought the assignment in with her and put it on the desk.  The assignment was to draw a picture of your parent at work.  In the drawing I saw a woman vaguely resembling the parent standing before me.  In the picture she was standing next to a long thin stick with her arm raised and hand holding the stick.  Below her, the child drew about 4 or 5 people holding up little dollar bills.  Across the top of the picture the child wrote, 'My Mommy loves making people happy.'  I sat there stunned, trying to determine if I could look up at the parent without laughing.  My friend came back and the parent began to explain the picture.  She said, 'I work at Home Depot.  There was a big snow storm coming and everyone wanted to buy snow shovels and we quickly ran out.  I went to the back to just in case there were any more and I found 1 last shovel.  When I brought it out there were people crowding around me waving money at me to get the shovel.  I am not a stripper, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a stripper.  I just wanted to clear that up.  Also, I will definitely make sure to look at my child's homework from now on.'  My friend was quick to put the troubled mommy at ease, assuring her she receives a lot of homework that appears questionable at first glance.  After the parent left I quietly told my friend the child deserves an A+.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Intoxicated salutations

Last year on the 31st day of December I went to my middle brother's house to celebrate the New Year.  We began drinking a little earlier than we normally do and my tolerance to alcohol is quite limited.  I am proud to say that I did manage to stay awake until midnight.  Right at midnight each year I typically send a 'Happy New Year!' mass text to my friends, however this time I sent majority of the contacts in my phone a mass text that read 'Happy Birthday!' As you can imagine my friends had a very good time teasing me. 

Scared straight (into the wall)

Late one night while laying in my bed I was thinking about the movie Paranormal Activity and how it would be if we had similar haunting occurring in our home.  My imagination is pretty vivid so it wasn't long before I realized I was kind of scared.  I decided to go downstairs and ask Bernie if she wanted to watch a scary movie.  Bernie just finished folding her laundry & ready to take it upstairs heard me coming.  Instead of coming around the corner, Bernie stood just a few steps inside the family room and waited for me to enter. I came down the stairs and around the corner to see Bernie standing there kind of slumped - now remember, it is pretty late at night and we are both in our pajamas, with our hair disheveled, and pretty tired.  I walk around the corner to see Bernie standing there and she looked very similar to the scary girl in the movie.  I screamed and turned to run, unfortunately I turned the wrong way and ran right into the wall.  Bernie is now laughing so hard she is in tears, she said, 'I heard you coming so I stood here so I wouldn't scare you.'  I said, 'Well you are doing a crappy job NOT scaring me!' 

Pow pows

One night my best friend Lexi agreed to babysit a rambunctious little 2 year old.  This child's behavior was less than desirable.  The child did the exact opposite of everything Lexi told him to do.  At one point during the night the child thought I was his own personal human jungle gym, climbing and jumping all over me.  I held the child in my lap, looking very closely at his scalp I moved some of his hair to the side, sighed and said, 'Oh man, so close' then let the child go back to his running and jumping.  Lexi saw me do this and asked, 'What was that?' I said, 'I was looking for 666 on his head' she laughed and said, 'What did you see?' I said '665 which is very close and explains a lot'.  Finally, the hellion's bedtime came, Lexi put the child in the bed and 2 minutes later he was out of the bed.  Lexi picked him up, carried him back to bed.  Of course the child was right back up.  This routine repeated itself about 5 or 6 times.  Lexi's patience had now run out, she picked him up, put him into the bed, tucked him in, looked down at the child & said 'If you get out of this bed one more time (she balled 1 hand into a fist and punched it into the palm of her other hand) POW POWS!'  I proceeded to laugh hysterically because I know Lexi would never ever harm anyone in any way, especially a child, but she did make it sound convincing.  I asked my poor flustered Lexi exactly what chapter in the good parenting handbook she found her tactics.  However we did not see him again the rest of the night.  Lexi also never agreed to watch this child ever again. 

God Bless you Happy

I don't go to Church as often as I should but when I do go, it is definitely time well spent.  The services at our Church are typically quiet and reserved.  This week I observed a very cute Autistic man, he had a big smile on his face and it was obvious he was filled with the love of God.  For the purposes of telling this story I will refer to him as Happy.  At various times during the service he shouted AMEN!  His father continuously did his best to quiet him down.  At one point during the service there was a fussy child that was getting louder by the minute.  Happy knew just how to quiet the child, he stood up, looked directly at the child and said "Hey! Knock it off!"  His father quickly sat him down and politely apologized to the child's mother.  In Happy's defence, the child was now quiet.  So I say - mission accomplished.  When the time came to share the peace, simply saying 'Peace be with you' and shaking hands was not enough for our Happy.  He gave as many people as possible a hand shake, hug, and kiss on the cheek.  There was one lady that he was very eager to share the peace with, she received a hand shake, 2 hugs, and three kisses.  I guess Happy thought she deserved an extra piece!  My favorite part of 'The Happy Show' was when we came to the end of a rather extensive and very quiet prayer, most of us said 'Amen', Happy very loudly and enthusiastically shouted 'I'll drink to that!'