Thursday, October 27, 2011
Two of my nephews and I went to visit one of my best friends Lani. It was a very nice day so we three, Lani, her two sons, and exceedingly beautiful and young daughter all played happily in her backyard. Lani's daughter stated she had to use the restroom and went into the house. Lani and I quickly realized she was taking too long to return. Lani and I went into the house to check on the young beauty. We had no idea that her daughter found the spray can of Pledge wood cleaner and polish and proceeded to run all around the house holding the can straight up in the air while pressing the spray trigger. Lani's house has all hard wood floors. Lani and I came in through the patio door, walked safely through the kitchen, and as soon as we each stepped foot into the hall we both immediately fell to the floor. Surprised and puzzled we looked at each other, then came her little beauty running and giggling with the can. As soon as she saw us she stopped, dropped the can, and ran back outside. Lani and I laughed hysterically as we spent more time than I would like to admit slipping, sliding, and falling over and over again. We finally made it back to our feet and thought this was the perfect time to call the kids inside for a snack and watch them all try to make it down the hallway to the bathroom to wash their hands.
When I worked at Kohl's the store manager's wife occasionally came in to shop and their 3 year old son would spend time with his Daddy. Every single time and right on schedule, his son would sneak away and hide from him. The last thing our manager wanted was his wife to find out that once again he lost their son. A good number of us wore walkie talkies with ear pieces. As soon as our fearless leader realized, he would radio 'The boy is on the run again!' and our search would begin. The orders were 'look, look quickly, try to be discreet, and do not tell the wife!' The sly toddler was a major Batman fan, and at times would only answer when referred to as Batman. I can think back to many many puzzled looks and giggles from our valued customers when they caught a glimpse of me hurrying around and looking into various clothes racks quietly calling out "Batman....Batman....Where are you?"
Sunday, October 23, 2011
While using a public bathroom, I heard a woman moaning in discomfort saying 'Oooh lord help me, ooooh lord.' A moment later someone else came in to use the facility, the moaning started up again, 'Ooooh help me, help me.' Our 'newest recruit' said, 'What? Are you talking to me?' The uncomfortable pooper said, 'No just leave me alone. Help me, wooo!' The recruit then said, 'Yes, don't worry, I can help you!' I magically transformed into an Olympic speed pee'er, quickly washed my hands, and got the heck out of there!
While visiting my parents, sister and nephews. I was happy to see my sister made praying before bedtime part of their ritual. The smallest of her three boys very recently began sleeping in his very own big boy bed - this is a very big deal! My sister told him once he finishes brushing his teeth to go to bed and remember to say his prayers. I thought this was very cute and wanted to watch first hand. I stood in the hallway, out of his sight, and watched my little big boy kneel down beside his bed, put his tiny little hands together and say, 'Now I lay me down to slee.. (he stopped abruptly, looked up and said loudly) Hey God, its ME!' and started again right where he left off. I began laughing, my nephew looked at me surprised and said, 'I had to get his attention.' He then climbed into his big boy bed and very sweetly said, 'Night Night.'
On my morning drive to work it is normal to see crossing guards standing at designated corners. One day I saw a guard wearing headphones, dancing around excitedly, while holding the handle of her STOP sign up and the STOP portion of the sign down against her tummy frantically strumming it like an electric guitar. It wasnt until she turned her back to traffic that she saw a group of children plus a few parents watching her and from the looks on their faces - enjoying the show as much as I.
One of my best friends Paula used to work as a waitress at a restaurant/bar. One day someone accidentally left a Link card behind at the bar. It didn't happen often but on occasion a man on a date would be very rude to my Paula in an attempt to show off for and/or impress his unfortunate female companion. One day a man was being particularly rude to Paula. His behavior seemed to disenchant his date, when it was time to for him to sign his credit card receipt, Paula walked up to the table, laid down the Link card and said, 'Sir I am so sorry but we don't accept this kind of payment.' The discourteous diner's date was overcome with laughter, she smiled at Paula, and gave her a nod and wink of approval.
My Mother typically puts her eye glasses on top of her head to briefly get them out of the way. One day we went to the store, purchased a few items and left the store. As we walked to the car my Mother said, 'Oh, wait a minute' then quickly turned to go back into the store. I had no idea what she forget but knew it was best to followed her lead. I followed her to the customer service desk, she asked the lady if anyone had very recently turned in a pair of glasses. I looked at my Mother and saw her glasses on the tip of her nose and immediately started laughing. The customer service lady looked confused for a moment then smiled at my Mother and reached up and tapped the tip of her own nose. Mom realized instead of putting her glasses on top of her head, she slipped them down her nose. She turned a little red, laughed, thanked the lady, and we left. Once outside I started to really laugh at her, she pinched me and said, 'Oh hush', I reminded her that Alzheimer's runs in our family.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
When going up the stairs in our home, you climb the first section of steps, come to a little landing turn right take a few steps, and go up about 4 more steps. Once at the top of the stairs there is a bedroom to your left, take about 10 more steps turning to see a bathroom and another bedroom. I was home alone one day and thought, 'I am the only one here, so I can leave the bathroom door open.' In my opinion the toilet paper was on the roll the wrong way - REMEMBER: You always pull the paper from the front and never from the back AND you always wipe from front to back and NEVER the opposite. - I clumsily removed the paper from the holder, it slipped out of my hand, down to the floor, and rolled out of the bathroom, down the hall and right down the stairs. I sat there baffled, all I could do was pull the runaway paper towards me, inch by inch, very gently, until I finally had enough to complete my, umm, 'mission' while washing my hands Josie came home and up the first set of steps onto the landing, she looked at the paper trail, then up at me and said, 'I don't even want to know what you were doing.'
Sunday, October 9, 2011
My 7 year old nephew was recently invited to tryouts for an All-Star Soccor team. He was asked to complete a variety of drills and challenges. During break the line for the restroom was quite long and he really had to 'go'. My sister told him to go stand in front of her SUV (which was parked very close) and quickly yet discreetly relieve himself. We watched him run over to the SUV (which I now refer to as her S U Pee) then quickly disappear. I stood with my back to the vehicle, my sister in front of me while we talked waiting for his return. I saw my sister's eyes grow wide then she said, 'Oh my goodness!' and she hurried in his direction. I turned around to see a bright yellow stream flowing up and well above the hood of the car. My sister was ready to die from embarrassment, I however was mildly impressed. I later whispered to my sister 'You know, if peeing were a super power, he would be The Urinator.'
Saturday, October 8, 2011
My oldest brother is very tall and has above spectacular basketball ability. One of his buddies, on a seasonal YMCA league asked him to play with his team for their final game. We access the gym, my brother immediately starts stretching and runs a few laps. During this time every other player was sitting around waiting for game time. Majority of the opposing team began making fun of my brother and doing mock stretches. There was one major and louder than the rest, big time trash talker. My brother remained silent. I, knowing my brother very well, knew he was just waiting for the right moment to strike back. Not long into the game, big time trash talker stole the ball from our guy and began running down the court towards the basket. My athletic brother quickly and with great ease caught up to him. Right as the guy jumped up at a poor attempt to dunk that turned into a super sloppy lay up, my awesome brother - with one hand - grabs the ball in mid air, wedged it between the hoop and the backboard and ran back down court, leaving the trash talker standing under the basket pitifully looking up at the basketball in awe. Immediately the gym filled with an uproar of cheering and laughter, the other team looked appropriately worried.
I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. Already standing at the counter was a Hispanic man visiting his technician buddy. A different tech came to assist me. The man standing at the counter was going on and on (loudly) about how horrible his wife is and how he is very tired of her attitude. A third tech walked up to listen in on his marital woes. At this point I am in the final stage of my prescription purchase, tech number three asked the sullen spouse 'Wait, what is your wife's name?' In pessimistic pronto he chuckled and said, 'B!*@#' My tech looked at me, appearing flabbergasted and a bit uneasy. To put her at ease, I smiled and leaned in and said, 'I bet it sounds much prettier in Spanish.'
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
My awesomely clever middle brother pulled me to the side to help him play a joke on his beautiful wife. Out of her view I quietly walked over to and stood infront of the basement door while she sat innocently on the couch watching TV, my brother making it quite obvious he was going to do his laundry walked past his loving spouse with the basket of clothes. He handed me the basket and very quietly made his way down the basement stairs. He gave me thumbs up, I then rolled the basket loudly down the stairs - he yelled then quickly layed down at the bottom of the stairs. I hurried into the bathroom conviently located right by the basement door & tried to contain my laughter. My poor unsuspecting Sister-in-law screamed and ran to her husband's aid. I silently emerged from the bathroom and looked down the steps to see her shaking him trying to get him to regain consciousness. My brother, losing control, began laughing hysterically as did I. Sister-in-law looked confused for a moment, looked at each of us then proceeded to try to beat the heck out of him with the scattered clothes. Love is a wonderful thing.
When I was finally of age to drive my parents made me wait an additional year, this really didn't matter too much because none of my friends had cars anyways. We made friends with this kid named Alex - conveniently Alex had a car, so we kept him around. The funny thing is, none of us were allowed to leave our subdivision. We would pile into Alex's car and ride around the subdivision - because we were super cool like that. I remember it was only a few days after July 4th and Phoebe found a bunch of unused M80 firecrackers. I know (now) this is dangerous and mean, but we chose to ride around looking for the junior high kids and throw the M80s at them out of the sunroof. (we weren't very bright back then) This was hilarious and big fun until Phoebe misjudged her throw and the M80 bounced off the rim and down into the backseat with us. All we could do was cringe - BOOM! Thank goodness none of us were hurt or burned, however it blew a huge hole in the backseat of the car. We were all filled with tiny tiny pieces of orange seat cushion filler, and quickly realized we were partially deaf. Alex was furious and horrified to take the car back to his mother. The rest of us went to the park located in our subdivision hoping our sense of sound would return, and return quickly. We were city kids and you know the rule is 'You better be home when the street lights came on' There we were sitting at the park talking to and testing each other hoping the tunnel sound would disappear, while keeping a keen eye on those street lights, because no one wants the beating you'll surely get for coming home deaf.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
When I was a child my grandmother constantly told me to stop drinking out of glasses that were not given to me. I viewed this as harmless, fun, and I kind of enjoyed her fussing when I did it in front of her. One day - I remember this very clearly - my grandmother and I were in the kitchen, I watched her take a glass out of the cabinet, walk to the refrigerator, and pour a nice cool glass of milk. She then placed the glass on the kitchen table and walked out of the kitchen. Right on cue and without hesitation I quickly pick up the glass take a very large drink from the ever inviting vaso. I think it only took about four or five seconds before I realized it was buttermilk. BLUK! Needless to say, NEVER again did I drink from any glass other than my own.
One year on Halloween Lexi, Johnny, Monica and I thought we would test our courage by going to one of the local cemeteries. We heard a myth that every year on Halloween night right at midnight if you are very quiet, you will hear classical music playing and a woman would appear. Of course this didn't happen, however when midnight came I could feel the level of fear and anxiety growing in the car. I quickly grab my cell phone and set the volume very low and select one of the preloaded classical type ring tones. I then proceed to slowly increase the volume. Johnny heard it first and immediately started to panic, Lexi fumbled trying to start the car to get us the heck out of there. Monica's fear quickly caught up to and superseded Johnny's, unfortunately I couldn't contain my laughter longer than a few short minutes and began laughing hysterically and held up my phone. They all were relieved and less than thrilled. Thank goodness Lexi didn't take Johnny's suggestion, apparently he thought I deserved to walk home. They were a little agitated with me for a while but, in the end it was totally worth it.
If you took a moment to look at my profile you saw that I am a lighter shade of brown. My older brother is a tall, exceedingly handsome, beautifully brown man, our grandmother has gorgeous porcelain skin and long flowing blonde hair. One day the three of us went to the grocery store, this typically takes gramma at least an hour, and that is just browsing. We usually end up straying away from her, walk around on our own, find her, get bored, walk away again - it is a vicious cycle. In an attempt to entertain my brother, I walked up to gramma reached into her purse (which is always hanging on her arm and wide open) I pulled out a pen, showed it to my brother and returned it to her purse without her noticing. My brother chuckled, we soon noticed she wasn't anywhere near ready to leave yet, so once again we walked away. Moments later we saw her making her way up the to check out, relieved I stepped into place behind her and my brother stood at the end of check out waiting for us. I noticed two squad cars out front and thought to myself, 'oooh, someone is shoplifting, I hope they throw the book at them!' We made our way up to and through the check out and no action - bummer. As we start to walk out the police grab my brother and me. My brother immediately said, 'Hey, let me go, you don't put your hands on me'. Shocked and horrified, I immediately start crying (its what I do). They gently pull gramma to the side saying, 'Ma'am, ma'am, they were stealing from you!' Stunned she said, 'Who' they pointed to us saying 'them, they were!' Gramma said, 'Those are my babies!' Then, in front of God and everybody, she furiously yet with a scary calmness told them all exactly what she thought about all of them. I thought she was going to hulk up at any second! Gramma took care of 500 years of oppression in 5 minutes, while my brother and I (and everyone else) stood there speechless.