Monday, July 30, 2012

City people shouldn't go fishing

I was born and raised in one of the greatest cities in the world, My Sweet Home Chicago.  Every once in a while my family would get together and go on 'nature' trips.  I remember one trip we all went fishing.  My parents, younger sister, my God-parents and God-brothers all got together, and it was not long before chaos began.  We packed a big styrofoam cooler, as we walked from the car into the wooded area it broke into three pieces.  YAY NATURE!  I remember during the car ride from the city, my Mom was going on and on about how much fun fishing is.  By the time we arrived at the lake I was excited and ready to fish.  Somehow, the part about having to actually touch a worm didn't stick with me.  I absolutely refused to put the worm on the hook, as usual my Dad came to my rescue and did it for me.  After he put the disgusting worm on the hook, he reached out to hand me the baited fishing pole, the thought of holding a pole with a worm on it was too gross too me.  A few minutes later my God-father tried to cast into the lake, but his hook accidentally got caught in my shirt.  YAY NATURE! It didn't take very long before my sister and I realized we had to potty.  We were handed a roll of toilet paper and instructed to go into the woods and out of sight. 

It was at that moment we learned 3 life lessons (the hard way)
1.  If you ever have to pee in the woods it gets scary the moment you step past the fourth tree.
2.  If you begin peeing and are facing the wrong way on an incline you will know it very quickly, and you probably wont want to wear those shoes ever again. 
3. If boys are anywhere in the area they are 100% guaranteed to attempt to scare you.

We eventually made our way back to the adults.  I saw my Dad and God-father out in the middle of the lake in a medium sized row boat.  Somehow, and not really to anyone's surprise, my Dad ended up falling into the lake.  We all erupted with laughter, my Dad is seriously the funniest person I have and will ever know!  As usual he was a very good sport and laughed right along with the rest of us.  My God-brothers found a turtle, we begged and begged our parents to allow us to keep the turtle.  My God-parents said, 'No', but luckily my parents said, 'Yes'   YAY NATURE!   My sister and I happily named our new pet turtle 'Rocky' (hey, we were 80's kids and Rocky was a very popular movie ~ Adriaaan!) it wasn't until after we got Rocky home, we realized he was a Snapping Turtle.  We didn't have Rocky very long.  Moral of the story ~ City people shouldn't go fishing.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Parrot personifies the King of Pop

I listen to Pandora Radio on a daily basis.  I usually listen to the same few stations, toggling between Alicia Keys, Pitbull, Ludacris, Prince, and Missy Elliott.  By far, my favorite station is the Michael Jackson station, I listen to it about 60% percent of the time while singing and dancing.  Recently, while visiting my parents, I was cleaning the kitchen and as usual had Pandora locked on my beloved Michael Jackson station.  To my delight 'Thriller' was playing, I spent more time poorly imitating the dance moves than actually cleaning the kitchen.   We all know at the conclusion of 'Thriller' Vincent Price laughs.  Immediately upon hearing the laughter my Mother's parrot Rico began loudly mimicking the sound.  At first it was funny but, he would not stop!  My Mother and nephews came into the family room to investigate.  We tried to distract him by talking to him, whistling the 'Andy Griffith Theme Song' (he loves that) ~ we also played the Chicago Bulls Theme song (a major family favorite).  Rico laughed exactly like Vincent Price for about 6 minutes.  The next day I was listening to the Michal Jackson station again, the moment 'Thriller' began playing Rico immediately began laughing again.  My Mother looked at me, I looked back at her and said, 'What can I say, our feathered friends know just as well as we do that Michael Jackson is the King!'

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Corporate chair dance

I used to work as a manager in an office where surprise visits by our corporate office were not unusual.  My desk was positioned in a way that my back faced the front door.  When I focus on my paperwork I become less and less aware of my surroundings.  One day I had more paperwork than usual, so I put in my ear buds and set my Pandora Radio to a nice upbeat station.  To my delight, Single Ladies by Beyonce began playing.  Completely oblivious to my surroundings, I began mimicking dance moves.  My co-manager Cassy saw one of our corporate managers walk in and sent me a 'Warning' instant message.  I was too preoccupied with my concert to take 2 seconds to click on the bright blinking icon.  By the time the corporate manager made his way to my desk I was engaged in full song and dance.  At this point I was bopping to the beat, singing out loud, actually reaching around behind myself and smacking my backside.  I just happened to look up and see the corporate manager standing there looking down at me with a big smile on his face.  I immediately stopped, frozen with embarrassment.  I could feel my face heating up as a fresh new supply of blood rushed into it.  My coworkers where almost doubled over laughing hysterically.  Thankfully, the corporate manager had a good sense of humor and said, 'Do you take requests?'  Still very embarrassed, I nervously laughed, picked up my planner, and followed him and our other managers (who all had huge smiles on their faces) into the conference room for a meeting.  Needless to say that was the last concert I had for a while. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Chinese fire drill gone bad

When my sister and I became teenagers we learned about something called the Chinese Fire Drill.  Basically this drill is a nonsensical adolescent spoof that takes place in a vehicle.  To properly execute this drill: while driving down the street, when you stop at a stop light the occupants of the vehicle are supposed to quickly (and as safely as possible) exit the vehicle run around the car one time, and just as quickly get back in.  This all must be done before the red street light changes back to green.  One day while riding in the family car, my sister and I were telling our Daddy about this silly drill.  Our fun loving father pretended to have no idea about the drill, no matter how detailed and repeatedly we tried to explain it to him.  We found ourselves on a street that had very little traffic.  Our Daddy suggested we demonstrate the drill for him.  We, being young and naive were eager to act out this fun new procedure for the first time ever.  We pulled up to a stop light, my sister and I hurriedly opened our car doors, jumped out of the car, slammed the doors shut, ran around the car one time, laughing and overcome with joy.  We were so caught up in our teenybopper tomfoolery we didn't notice that as soon as we slammed shut our car doors, with the single press of a button our clever Daddy locked all the doors.  After our lap around the car, we pulled on the door handles, our joyful laughter immediately turned into panic.  We saw other drivers laughing hysterically as we repeatedly pulled on the handles and begged our Daddy to unlock the doors.  He laughed and pretended not to understand what we were saying.  After a few seconds (that felt more like hours) he unlocked the doors, embarrassed, we returned to our seats.  The other drivers honked and praised my Daddy as they drove away.  As you may have guessed this is the one and only time my sister and I attempted this drill.  We may have been young and naive but we did learn lessons pretty quickly. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Deceitful domestic detergent

I visited my friend Luciana who recently moved back in with her Mother.  Luciana's Mother has dementia and is no longer able to live alone.  The three of us had a good time talking and laughing.  Luciana's mother got up and went to the kitchen, we continued talking.  A moment later we noticed the very strong fragrance of cleaning solution.  We went to the kitchen to see what her Mother was cleaning that required so much solution.  Once we entered the kitchen the smell was almost overwhelming.  Luciana quickly opened a window and said, 'Mom, what are you doing?'  Her cute little Mother was standing in front of the sink wearing rubber gloves, the sink was full some sort of cleaning solution that oddly did not produce any bubbles.  Her Mother replied, 'Oh, I just thought I'd wash the dishes dear.'   Puzzled Luciana and I looked at each other, I said, 'What kind of dish soap are you using?' She reached into the cabinet under the sink and pulled out a nearly empty bottle of Spic 'n Span.  (Spic 'n Span is a cleaning solution used to clean kitchen floors NOT dishes)  Luciana said, 'Mom, this is not for dishes! We have to empty that water.'  Luciana's Mother said, 'We are not! I am going to wash these dishes!'  Luciana said, 'No Mom, this will make us sick, it is not for dishes, it is intended to clean the floor.'  Luciana's frustrated Mother picked up the bottle, pointed to the words on the bottle and said, 'Look here, it says FOR THE KITCHEN - dishes are in the kitchen!  I'm old but I can still read, child of mine.  I know I'm not crazy, you kids are always making me think I'm crazy!'  I laughed and said, 'Well, she does kind of have a point.'  Luciana giggled and said, 'You're not helping.'  I watched as Luciana calmly and gently moved her Mother away from the sink distracting her with a new topic of conversation.  Once they left the kitchen I drained the water from the sink, replacing it with new soapy water using actual dish washing soap.  Smiling as I caught another look at the Spic 'n Span bottle while I washed the dishes.