Nine-to-five sex machine

Many workplaces prohibit the use of cellular phones.  They typically require the employees turn off the devices.  However most of the employees prefer to silence their phones.  I've learned there is a difference between silencing the ringer and media volumes.  Before I learned this valuable lesson, in one of my previous workplaces I simply silenced the ringer, leaving the media volume at it's highest level.  I use my Pandora app on a daily basis and have it on my home screen.  I had my phone in my pocket and one of my old supervisors came to my desk and asked me to come with him to another associates desk.  While we walked down the quiet corridor I put my hand in my pocket and accidentally enabled Pandora.  It was set on one of my favorite stations - The Godfather of Soul James Brown.  As we walked down the quiet corridor, to my dismay and quite loudly 'Sex Machine' began playing.  The surprised supervisor looked at me, I quickly took my phone out of my pocket and fumbled trying to turn it off.  The supervisor giggled while watching me trying to stifle the inappropriate golden oldie.  After I turned it off, I looked at him and said, 'Do you still want me to give that seminar about appropriate conduct in the workplace?'  The supervisor began laughing and shaking his head. 

Doped up Mamma

My best friend Lani's mother Thia had same day surgery, after the surgery we took her home to rest.  The side effects of the anesthesia were still very strong making her say off-the-wall things to us.  Thia was resting nicely in her bed while Lani and I watched TV.  She called out to Lani, we both went into her bedroom.  Frustrated and an a daze, she looked at Lani and said, "Why do you have that goat tied up on a rope in the backyard? You have to put it on a chain, you know it's just going to chew through the rope.'  She then immediately fell back asleep.  We both began laughing at her delirium, of course there was no goat anywhere to be found.  Our laughter woke her up again, this time she sat up and said, 'What the heck are you doing with a goat anyways?  But I am glad you named it Shakira.'  She laid back onto her pillows and again was sound asleep.  Lani and I left her bedroom giggling, both commenting on how we are very excited to tease her about this for a long time.

Whippersnapper gourmet

I asked my nieces and nephews to tell me their favorite foods and how to prepare them, this is what they said:

Banana Pudding
get yellow pudding
add vanilla cookies
cut up bananas
put them in there
put it in refrigerator
after dinner - its done 

Pizza 
get it out of the freezer
take it out of the package
cook it in the oven on 30 degrees for about 4 minutes
eat it  

Mashed Potatoes
peel potatoes
put in bowl
use the thing that makes it twirl around
cook it on the stove for 4 minutes    

Barbeque Chicken
put barbeque sauce on chicken
put chicken in the oven on 6 degrees for 5 minutes
then you eat it. 

Macaroni and Pork Chops
put cheese in pot and make macaroni
put the white sugar stuff on something flat
add pork chops
put in a super hot oven for 10 minutes
then eat it  

Hamburger Helper
put hamburger helper in pot
cook for 2 minutes
then eat it  

Homemade Cookies
buy cookie dough
mush it in a circle
put it in oven for 65 minutes
the oven has to be really really hot
then eat it. 

White Rice
get the rice
you need 1/3 cup of water
put the water in a pot
put 2 cups of rice in the pot
put the pot on the stove
stir it in five minutes
put butter in it
and its done.

Coconut Shrimp
get 6 shrimp
put the little pieces of shrimp in a little bowl
3 coconuts sliced in little pieces
mix the coconut and the shrimp together   
cook in a bowl in the refrigerator for 10 minutes
it tastes totally yummy and you can eat it every day!

Sweet potato fries
(this is a secret recipe so don't tell anyone, you have to write it down)
you need rice
real french fries
sugar
you need really really really sweet, sweet potatoes
you put it in a hot pot
then put it in a little pot
you need to mix it
need to put fruit in it
bananas, cucumbers, and mango
cook it for 2 minutes half

I hope you enjoy some of their favorites.

Shower shimmy slip and slide

I have always felt a bit awkward when showering away from home.  I spent the night at my friend Phoebe's house, the next morning I awoke before Phoebe and her young beautiful daughter and decided to take my shower.  I quietly gathered up my shower necessities and made my way to the bathroom.  I turned on the shower, after a moment of trial and error finally set the water to the perfect temperature.  Stepping into the shower I noticed their tub did not have a mat nor did they have any of the little no slip stickies many people use as a safety precaution.  As soon as I stepped into the tub I noticed it was extremely slippery.  I made sure to step very carefully while showering.  I washed my body and shampooed my hair, as I turned my back to the streaming water I slipped and began to fall.  Of course I didn't fall like a normal person.  I inadvertently let out a loud scream, & desperately tried to regain my footing.  Instead, I briefly became the worlds greatest dancer, I ended up doing the running man, percolator, butterfly, and moonwalk.  As I began my descend I managed to bring down with me every single loofa, all bottles of shower soap, shampoo, and conditioner.  Before I knew it I went from standing, to dancing, to sitting positions.  I found myself sitting in a few inches of water, with various skin and hair care bottles floating all around me and a mountain of shampoo bubbles on top of my head.  I very slowly and carefully got back up, rinsed my hair, turned off the water, stepped out of the shower, and did my best to restore Phoebe's shower back to it's normal condition.  Phoebe's bedroom is the first door you approach after leaving the bathroom.  I emerged from the dangerous water closet and noticed Phoebe and her daughter awake and laying in her bed talking.  I stepped into her bedroom and said, "Did the soothing sounds of my shower turned disaster area wake you two up?'  Pheobe looked at me puzzled and said, 'What happened?'  I said, 'Are you serious?  You didn't hear that?  I screamed and fell - loudly.'  Phoebe said, 'Oh my gosh, I didn't hear anything, are you ok?'  Her young beauty said, 'Mommy, I woke you up and said, I think Kimolie fell in the shower.'  Surprised Phoebe said, 'You did?'  Her daughter said, 'Yes and you said, she will be alright, and fell back asleep!'  I started laughing, looked at Phoebe and said, 'Geez, thanks a lot!'  Phoebe turned bright red and began laughing and apologizing.  I had no choice but to take away Phoebe's lifeguard merit badge.   

Weekend wig warrior

At one of my previous workplaces one of my coworkers was a fun little cute elderly woman.  She constantly wore an array of various wigs.  I remember she was always looking forward to the weekend, but she would never tell us what she did with her weekends.  I used to joke with her calling her party animal, and telling her she was going to get arrested for selling wigs out of the trunk of her car.  I also enjoyed asking her if her weekend wigs drove her home on the nights she had a little too much to drink, she would just laugh and laugh.  One Friday she came rushing into work running a little late.  I took one look at her and began laughing hysterically because her wig was cocked to the side.  I nicely pointed it out, she giggled and straightened it out.  I begged her to to leave it the way it was and told her that her secret was finally out - I said I was 100% certain she was a 'Wig wearing gang bangin Granny!' I spent a nice portion of our morning showing her how to make the letter 'W' with her hand.  After much persuasion, I was able to get her to hold her W-shaped hand and in the air, and in her sweet little voice declare 'Wigs fool!'

Intimate indescretion uploaded

My friend Samantha shared an unusual story with me.  She recently upgraded her cell phone and now has a new Android.  In case you didn't already know this, Android is associated with Google.  If you don't have a Google account you are prompted to set one up when you get your new phone.  Samantha began adjusting settings and creating her new Google email address, she received a message asking if she would like to join Google+.  She wasn't 100% sure what Google+ is nevertheless she selected/clicked 'Agree', adjusted a few more settings then put her phone down for the night.  The next day she noticed little pop up messages alerting her that her pictures were successfully uploaded.  Curious where her pictures were going, she logged into her new account, and made her way into Google+.  The first thing she noticed was an abundance of messages waiting for her.  The content of the messages just didn't make sense.  Samantha quickly noticed and was devastated to see ALL of her pictures and ALL of her videos were now available for public viewing.  The pictures were NOT something she would like anyone in the world to see. In an attempt to be as delicate as possible, most of the pictures and videos were extremely explicit, and vividly showed Samantha and her very loving husband doing things that only a married couple should.  Horrified and very close to having a panic attack, she hurriedly began to remove the ever incriminating evidence from world wide view.  Delete, delete, delete, delete, she just couldn't click away the embarrassment fast enough.  Finally, and what seemed like an eternity later, the pictures and videos were gone.  She closed the entire account and tried to figure out exactly how she was going to explain this to her husband.