Decontaminated derriere

After we spent almost the entire day touring various wineries in the area, I went to Denny's for a late night dinner with my very close friends Jennily, Beto, and Stacey.  I don't recall how it started but every time Jennily and I go to Denny's we have a hot chocolate drinking contest.  However this time was a bit of a challenge, Jennily and I didn't stop to think that hot chocolate wouldn't mix well with our tummies full of wine.  Stacey being her naturally hilarious self, sat telling joke after joke.  Jennily, sitting directly across from me, found the punchline of one of Stacey's jokes funnier than normal and unexpectedly spit her entire mouthful of hot chocolate all over me.  I sat there stunned in a hot chocolate haze while Beto, Stacey, and the table full of diners sitting directly next to us roared with laughter.  Jennily handed me napkin after napkin, struggling to apologize while still laughing.  I giggled as I looked down to see myself covered in little brown dots.  I cleaned myself up the best I could, then excused myself to go to the bathroom in an effort to clean up better than what a few napkins could offer.  I walked into the bathroom and to my horror immediately saw that it was filthy dirty.  I am a germaphobe, and the sight of that restroom left me paralyzed with fear.  Right at that moment my bladder turned against me and and signaled an urgent need to use the facility.  I had no choice but to 'take one for the team' and use the disgusting restroom.  I looked at all 3 of the toilets and chose the least horrifying.  Hesitantly, I walked into the stall, carefully covered the toilet seat with toilet paper, and prepared to demonstrate my super gold medal championship hovering technique.  Unfortunately, I underestimated the amount of wine still coursing through my system and my super technique failed me.  I felt my butt touch the toilet seat, the next thing I felt was a chill of disgust come over me from head to toe.  I panicked, all I knew was I needed to act and act fast!  In an act of desperation I opened the stall door and peeked out, I didn't see anyone.  However I did see a hand sanitizer dispenser.  Taking another look around I noticed the bathroom was quite small.  (Thinking back on that day, I can safely say the wine played a large role in what happens next)  Still in survival mode, I reached down, pulled up my pants just a bit, and as quickly as possible I shuffled out of the stall and up to the sanitizing dispenser.  With one hand I tightly held on to my pants, the other hand thrust out to dispense the liquid salvation into my palm.  With a sigh of relief, I reached my hand around behind me and applied hand sanitizer to an area of the body it was never intended for.  Right at that moment Stacey walked into the bathroom to check on me.  The sight of me standing in the middle of the bathroom with my pants almost down, rubbing my butt, was easily enough to throw my dear friend Stacey into the biggest laughing fit I have ever seen (somehow shuffling back into the stall never occurred to me).  We returned to the table and Beto topped Stacey's laughing fit with his own while Stacey very accurately and with great detail described the insanity she just witnessed.  I tried to defend my actions with explanation, however it seemed the more I talked, the more Jennily, Beto, and Stacey laughed.