Little Ms. Loose Bladder

Recently my cousin Rakell and I made plans to have a fun game night at my house.  Our fun game night grew into a small party due to a handful of unexpected friends stopping by.  My close friends are aware that I don't encourage unexpected visits however, if you bring a nice beverage with you I will happily turn the other cheek.  Our game night quickly turned from Wii games to drinking games.  Rakell (who is always fun and awesome) already planned to spend the night, however her (barely tolerable when sober but extremely annoying when drunk) friend Sonia drank too much to drive home.  I was worried that Sonia would unknowingly do something undesirable in her drunken state while we slept.  I told Rakell she had to babysit her ditsy drunken disaster.  As Rakell set up a place for Ms. Drunky Drunkerton to sleep, she repeatedly told her exactly how to get to the bathroom.  Rakell kept repeating, "Down the hall, tinkle left. Down the hall, tinkle left."  Sonia drunkenly nodded her head and slurred, 'Tinkle left, tinkle left.'  Thankfully, I am a very light sleeper, seriously, if the wind changes direction - I hear it.  A few hours later I heard Sonia struggling to get herself up from the air mattress.  I will admit, I did enjoy hearing her struggle.  I did not enjoy hearing her loudly bump into my living room side table and the sound of my digital photo frame crashing to the floor.  The next thing I knew Sonia came barreling through the bedroom door.  I knew I should have bet Rakell that her drunken disaster would not be able to tell her left from her right.  I loudly said, 'This is NOT the bathroom!'  I heard the sound of clothing moving, I quickly jumped out of bed and rushed to Sonia who was now in a crouching position.  To my horror, I felt warm a liquid sprinkling down into my toes.  I screamed for Rakell as I grabbed Sonia and tried to pull her up to a standing position.  While it is true that Rakell and I share a large amount of DNA, our sleeping habits are drastically different - the girl sleeps like a rock!  I continued yelling Rakell's name while I struggled with the dead weight.  I also found myself seriously regretting wearing socks to bed.  Finally, Rakell woke up and turned on the light.  As light filled the room it revealed the puzzled look on Rakell's face as she saw me wrestling with Sonia - who was naked from the waist down.  Together we managed to get little Ms. Loose Bladder to the bathroom.  Rakell knew I was furious and immediately apologized for her friend and began cleaning up the mess.  A little time went by and she still hadn't emerged from the bathroom.  I asked Rakell to check on her, it was both maddening and comical when I heard Rakell open the bathroom door and say, 'Girl, why are you in the tub!?!'  All I could do, (after taking off and throwing away my socks) was lay down on my bed and listen to Rakell trying to deal with her hot mess of a friend.  The next morning Sonia had absolutely no recollection of her actions.  Sonia looked embarrassed as we filled her in on every single detail.  As a result, she kindly bought us all breakfast.  That was the one and only time Sonia will ever sleep under my roof.         

Decontaminated derriere

After we spent almost the entire day touring various wineries in the area, I went to Denny's for a late night dinner with my very close friends Jennily, Beto, and Stacey.  I don't recall how it started but every time Jennily and I go to Denny's we have a hot chocolate drinking contest.  However this time was a bit of a challenge, Jennily and I didn't stop to think that hot chocolate wouldn't mix well with our tummies full of wine.  Stacey being her naturally hilarious self, sat telling joke after joke.  Jennily, sitting directly across from me, found the punchline of one of Stacey's jokes funnier than normal and unexpectedly spit her entire mouthful of hot chocolate all over me.  I sat there stunned in a hot chocolate haze while Beto, Stacey, and the table full of diners sitting directly next to us roared with laughter.  Jennily handed me napkin after napkin, struggling to apologize while still laughing.  I giggled as I looked down to see myself covered in little brown dots.  I cleaned myself up the best I could, then excused myself to go to the bathroom in an effort to clean up better than what a few napkins could offer.  I walked into the bathroom and to my horror immediately saw that it was filthy dirty.  I am a germaphobe, and the sight of that restroom left me paralyzed with fear.  Right at that moment my bladder turned against me and and signaled an urgent need to use the facility.  I had no choice but to 'take one for the team' and use the disgusting restroom.  I looked at all 3 of the toilets and chose the least horrifying.  Hesitantly, I walked into the stall, carefully covered the toilet seat with toilet paper, and prepared to demonstrate my super gold medal championship hovering technique.  Unfortunately, I underestimated the amount of wine still coursing through my system and my super technique failed me.  I felt my butt touch the toilet seat, the next thing I felt was a chill of disgust come over me from head to toe.  I panicked, all I knew was I needed to act and act fast!  In an act of desperation I opened the stall door and peeked out, I didn't see anyone.  However I did see a hand sanitizer dispenser.  Taking another look around I noticed the bathroom was quite small.  (Thinking back on that day, I can safely say the wine played a large role in what happens next)  Still in survival mode, I reached down, pulled up my pants just a bit, and as quickly as possible I shuffled out of the stall and up to the sanitizing dispenser.  With one hand I tightly held on to my pants, the other hand thrust out to dispense the liquid salvation into my palm.  With a sigh of relief, I reached my hand around behind me and applied hand sanitizer to an area of the body it was never intended for.  Right at that moment Stacey walked into the bathroom to check on me.  The sight of me standing in the middle of the bathroom with my pants almost down, rubbing my butt, was easily enough to throw my dear friend Stacey into the biggest laughing fit I have ever seen (somehow shuffling back into the stall never occurred to me).  We returned to the table and Beto topped Stacey's laughing fit with his own while Stacey very accurately and with great detail described the insanity she just witnessed.  I tried to defend my actions with explanation, however it seemed the more I talked, the more Jennily, Beto, and Stacey laughed.   

Calling Candyman

My buddy Nathan and his pretty wife Brandy occasionally come back to Chicago from Ohio to visit for the holidays.  Luckily I was able to see them this time around.  While talking we ended up on the subject of scary movies.  The 90's horror film Candyman came up, Brandy mentioned that she had never seen the movie, Nathan and I decided that she had to see it.  We all watched the movie, I'll admit, it still gives me a few chills.  If you have never seen this movie, it was filmed in a dangerous part of Chicago, if you go into the bathroom, look into the mirror and say "Candyman" five times, he will suddenly appear, then kill everyone.  When the movie ended Nathan immediately got up and walked away.  Brandy and I didn't really give it too much thought.   Brandy and I, still in the cinematic moment, got up and went into the bathroom to test our courage.  Once in the bathroom, we closed the door, turned off the light, and tried our luck.  This didn't quite work at first because due to our giggling and joking.  Finally, we got ourselves together and took our task seriously.  We both looked into the mirror and in unison said the supposedly deadly word, "Candyman" about 5 seconds went by, we said it again "Candyman" this time we hesitated, about 15 seconds went by before we spoke again.  The next time we said it with less confidence.  "Candyman" I don't know why, but fear began growing inside of me.  I grabbed Brandy's hand and we said it again "Candym--"  Right at that moment Nathan (who had been hiding in the shower the entire time) ripped back the shower curtain, yelled "RAAAAAH" and lunged out for us!  We both screamed in 100% pure terror!  Brandy being the quick thinker that she is turned around to escape.  She didn't know that I thought it would 'smart' to lock the bathroom door so no one would catch us.  I didn't know this would turn the bathroom into a death trap.  As a result of my dim wit Brandy began clawing at the door trying to get out.  In that extreme moment of fear I was less ambitious.  I chose to slump down in front of the sink, cry, and pee my pants.  Nathan turned on the light and began to laugh hysterically.  Brandy and I stood there looking at him in disbelief.  In an instant Brandy was furious, she told Nathan something very intense, and quickly left the bathroom.  I swallowed hard to get my heart out of my throat and back into my chest, and stood up.  Nathan, still thrilled with himself, took one look at my wet pants and laughed so hard he fell down in the tub.  I wish I could say I left the bathroom with even a little bit of my pride in tact, but I think it had urine on it. 

Gyrating train wreck

While standing in the checkout line patiently waiting to purchase my groceries, a cute elderly Caucasian couple stepped into line behind me. The gentleman told his wife he was going to go get the car and pull it to the front doors. The wife smiled, then nodded, and off he went. I turned and focused my attention on carefully placing my items on the moving belt. Shortly thereafter, I heard a fast and upbeat ring tone begin to play, the words in the ring tone were as follows: "What you talkin' bout fool?, I'mma jack you up fool!" Now remember the last time I looked behind me, what I saw did not quite match this 'urban' type ring tone. Surprised, I looked up and saw a young voluptuous African American woman stepped into line. She excitedly said, "Dis my song!" and began to dance and shake parts of her body you very seldomly see shakin, movin, and groovin in the check out line. She then reached into her bra and pulled out her cell phone, never breaking her dance routine. The first few seconds of taking in this visual oddity, I couldn't help but stand there, mouth open, staring in disbelief. Once the initial shock wore off I looked at the previously mentioned little old lady. I giggled because she was now standing directly beside me and trying not to look directly at the gyrating train wreck behind us. She looked up at me with a lost look in her eyes. I leaned in a bit closer to her and said, 'Don't worry, I'm scared too.' She laughed, gently grabbed then let go of my arm, and a look of relief came over her cute little face. I finished the transaction and just before leaving, I looked back at my new little friend and said, "Peace out homie!" She giggled, gave me the cutest little smile and wave, and sweetly said, "See you later Jack!"

Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! ~ Review

I was fortunate enough to take my little princesses to see Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! I may have enjoyed this wonderful show more than my babies! Disney really out did themselves to assure everyone would be entertained the entire time. We cheered, clapped our hands, danced, and sang the entire night. We enjoyed every minute of it, from voguing mermaids to rump shaking ugly step-sisters! Every princess was beautiful, as was the singing, and skating. There were lots of awesome surprises throughout the entire show! Please don't miss out on this amazing unforgettable bonding moment with your princesses, your princes will also enjoy this larger than life Disney on Ice presents Rockin' Ever After! in Chicagoland Playing Allstate arena Jan. 23-27 and United Center Jan. 30-Feb. 10 with FREE PARKING in all official arena parking lots. Get your tickets today at Ticketmaster!

My readers save 40% on weekday shows and 20% on weekend shows and holidays with promo code MOM3.

Allstate Arena Jan 23-27: Save 40% or 20% with promo code: MOM3

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United Center Jan 30-Feb 20: Save 40% or 20% with promo code: MOM3

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Box spring brutality

I recently purchased a new box spring, my beautiful sister Monica helped me by driving her SUV.  We mildly struggled positioning and tying the box spring to the top of her truck.  The fact that it was twenty three degrees and it began raining did not improve on the situation.  After we tied the box spring we held on to it as we drove home.  Now, here we are driving home, it's twenty three degrees, it's raining, we have both front windows down and our arms out the windows clinging to the box spring.  Our gloves (created to provide warmth) literally became super absorbent sponges for the ice cold rain water.  Very quickly the water began running down our arms all the way down to our armpits, the chill was almost unbearable.  We finally arrived at my apartment complex, Monica pulled up right in front of the door to my building.  It seemed the temperature had dropped even more, but it was likely because half of our upper bodies were drenched in frigid rain water.  As quickly as we could we untied the box spring.  Luckily it was completely wrapped in a protective plastic cover.  We did not take into consideration that a large amount of water had accumulated on top of the box spring.  Needless to say, as we lowered the box spring a major rush of ice water came pouring down on top of us.  The two of us stood stunned from the overwhelming chill we felt from head to toe.  Monica quickly recovered and said, 'Lets, just keep moving, the hard part is over, this can't get worse.'  Luckily box springs are pretty light, with Monica leading the way, we had no problem lifting it up and carrying it to the door.  The only problem we had is it was a windy night, however, gripping the box spring a little tighter we did just fine.  The door to my apartment building is always locked, we made it to the door, stopped, and I went to unlock it while Monica held the box spring steady.  I unlocked the door, pulled it open, and stepped back so Monica could pull the box spring into the doorway.  I safely stepped backwards off of the tall step, however I forgot about this tiny little inch and a half step below that one.  I stepped on the edge of the dangerous little step, lost my footing, fell backwards into the large amount of water pooling in the uneven cement in front of the doorway.  When I say I fell down, I mean I fell all the way down, my legs flew up, as did my jacket and shirt.  Monica, watching the entire thing, could not help it and began laughing hysterically.  I felt a sharp pain in my foot, but he great chance of someone observing my impromptu gymnastics was horrifying and I tried to get up as quickly as possible.  Right then the direction of the wind changed, Monica now weak from laughing, accidentally let go of the box spring and it came down clobbering me, putting me right back down into the frigid muddy pool I just escaped.  At this point we both were laughing our heads off!  Monica was laughing so hard I could hardly understand her when she said, 'Aahhh ha ha ha ha, I have to pee! Ha ha ha ha!'  I got up and we pulled and pushed the box spring into the doorway.  It was harder than it should have been because we were both drained of energy and doubled over laughing.  I couldn't ignore the horrible pain shooting through my foot, ankle, and up my calf.  It didn't make it any easier that I live in a second floor apartment.  We made our way up the stairs and I opened my apartment door.  Monica immediately let go of the box spring, sprinted into my apartment and directly into the bathroom.  Still laughing, I said, 'It's OK, I got it, by the way my foot really hurts.'  I pulled, pushed, and wiggled the box spring into my apartment.  Right as I bent over laying it down on the floor, Monica came out of the bathroom, saw my soaked backside, and once again began laughing uncontrollably.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror behind me, it looked like I drank a super big gulp and pee'd my pants.  This sent us both right back into hysterics.  We were definitely a sight, both standing there soaking wet and dripping with ice cold rain water.  The pain in my foot was so bad that the next day I had to go to my doctor's office.  The entire time I explained how I hurt my foot, the doctor and nurse were both laughing, wiping tears out of their eyes, and apologizing.  Jokingly, I asked them for proof that they attended sensitivity training.  It turns out I sprained my ankle and foot.  Later on that same day Monica called me and told me she regrets laughing, because she accidentally fell down the steps.  It's safe to say that balance and grace runs pretty strongly in our family - that and a newly found fear of box springs.

Red Bull vs Corporate America

At one point in my life I worked for a fortune 500 company.  Corporate America can be a bit restricting, while working in corporate America, quiet and productive is the safest road to travel.  I recall one particular morning my coworker Luciana was very sluggish.  A night of partying left her exhausted to the point where she almost army crawled in to work.  She said she desperately needed a quick pick me up.  We suggested a nice cup of coffee, Luciana declined our offer stating she didn't like the taste.  I suggested she go to the Cafe and look for something with caffeine.  Luciana agreed, left, and eventually returned holding a tall can of Red Bull.  She slowly walked back to her desk, slumped down into her chair, and began sipping her tall can of 'quick pick me up.'  The rest of us paid little notice to her and went on about our business.  Moments later we heard an impromptu drum solo.  Surprised, we looked at each other, I leaned in her direction and said, 'Hey, Drumline!" she was so into her drumming she almost didn't hear me.  Luciana looked up at me, smiled, and said, 'What uuup!?'  I said, 'Are you OK lady?'  She quickly grabbed the empty can, held it up and asked, 'Dude! Have you ever had this?'  I laughed and said, 'Yes.'   She said, 'I never had it before, oh my gosh, it is SO GOOD!'  I giggled and said, 'Yeah, it is! OK easy killer, try to keep it to a low roar over here.'  She jumped up out of her chair, gave each of us enthusiastic high fives and skipped off to go on break.  We laughed and resumed our work.  We probably should have known this was only the beginning when we saw her skipping back down the hallway in the other direction waving to us as she skipped by.  She returned with the same heightened level of energy.  Luciana was talking more than she usually does and at a much faster pace.  We did our best to ignore her antics hoping she would calm down and quietly work, however that was not on her list of things to do.  At one point she took off her shoes and gave herself a pedicure.  Next Luciana spent a good amount of time spinning around and around in her desk chair.  Finally lunch time came, we encouraged her to eat a hearty lunch so the food can soak up whatever Red Bull was left in her tummy.  She agreed, stood up,  and actually did a cartwheel out of her cubicle on her way out to lunch.  We laughed hysterically, we had no idea cartwheels were corporate America approved.  When Luciana returned holding yet another Red Bull we looked at each other, feeling both entertained and defeated at the same time.  I got up to go to the printer and saw her cubicle covered with about 100 yellow post-its.  It was at that moment I knew Luciana didn't need to have Red Bull at work ever again.  A supervisor finally walked by our area, the unsuspecting supervisor couldn't help but see the bright yellow cubicle.  She came over and talked to Luciana about the importance of avoiding wasting office supplies.  It took every ounce of composure we had to keep from laughing.  I guess the Red Bull marketers knew they couldn't list everything in the commercials.  'Red Bull gives you wings, awesome skipping skills, high five power, olympic chair spins, cartwheels ...' - the commercial would never end! 

Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam

Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam is the most exciting form of family motorsports entertainment on the planet. The stars of the show are the biggest performers on four wheels: the Monster Jam trucks! The twelve-feet-tall, ten-thousand-pound machines will bring you to your feet, racing and ripping up a custom-designed track full of obstacles to soar over - OR smash through. The 2013 touring season brings more Monster Jam excitement with the celebration of Maximum Destruction's 10th Anniversary providing entertainment tailored perfectly for your family's budget, and these colorful, larger-than-life beasts are sure to capture the hearts of both young and old. We sold out all 5 shows last year, so get your tickets EARLY! Playing Allstate Arena Feb. 8-10.

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Altar awkwardness

As a child you see some family members so often you begin to view them as siblings.  This was the case with my God brother Mike, consequently you grow up and life takes you in different directions.  Luckily we reconnected a few months ago, he introduced me to his beautiful fiance Alexandra.  I was thrilled to learn they were getting married very soon.  To my surprise shortly thereafter he called me extending an invitation to there upcoming nuptials. I happily and eagerly accepted the invite.  I was so excited you'd think it was my wedding.  Driving to the venue, to my dismay there was more traffic than usual and a road block due to some type of a festival.  Forcing me to take an unfamiliar route, going the opposite direction.  I felt my frustration rising as time ticked away, the last thing I wanted to do was arrive late.  At last, and only a few minutes late, I saw the Mansion and hurriedly pulled into the parking lot.  I immediately noticed there we no other cars (at that time didn't know the Mansion has two parking lots).  Puzzled, I also didn't see anyone walking around outside.  I wondered, 'Did I get the date wrong?' 'Why don't I see any familiar cars?'  I considered leaving but wanted to at least go take a look inside.  I approached the seemingly vacant Mansion.  I tried to open a door but it was locked, I walked around the building to another door, discovered it was open.  I quietly stepped inside and looked around.  I heard people talking and moving, following the sound I saw a sign on a door that had my God brother's name on it.  Happy to find conformation I continued on to a large beautifully decorated ballroom filled with workers frantically rushing to prepare for the reception.  I asked a women where the ceremony was being held, she told me to go back up the stairs, down the hallway, stay to the left, and it will take me directly to the chapel.  I thanked her and quickly followed her precise instruction.  My frustration was gone and excitement returned.  Walking along I came to a spot in the long hallway where it forked into two directions.  I thought to myself, 'The woman said, "Stay left" so I better stay left.' I walked up to a door that had another sign with Mike's name on it just like the one downstairs.  I could hear soft music playing and the sound of people trying to be as quiet as they could.  Relived, I gently and quietly opened the door.  Stepping through the doorway, looking behind me, never letting go of the door assuring it didn't slam shut.  I heard the gentle and quiet click of the door closing and turned around to walk into the chapel.  I stopped in my tracks, I turned around only to realize I was standing on the altar!  There I was facing everyone in the entire chapel.  Mike looked up at me, smiled and let out a tiny little giggle, my pretty God sisters were standing in the line of bridesmaids.  One looking at me equally as surprised, the other was flat out laughing at me, behind them sat a few hundred of my long lost friends and family.  The only thing hotter than all of the lights shining down on me was the heat coming off of my face, now red from embarrassment.  Listening to the sounds of increasing giggles, I did my best to speed walk off the altar, as I passed my laughing God sister she discreetly slapped my backside.  I hurried to the nearest pew, right as I sat down, louder music played, doors opened, and everyone stood as the strikingly beautiful bride emerged.  I was thankful for something to take away the attention.  As predicted, many of my family members could not pass on this great opportunity to jokingly give me a hard time about my entrance.  During the reception the handsome couple took time to greet their guests.  When they made their way to me, Mike laughed, gave me a hug, and said, "If you wanted to be in the wedding you should have just told me!"  Thank goodness they have a great sense of humor.  The wedding was beautiful and the reception was a blast.  There were smiles as far as the eye can see.  I am 100% certain Mike and Alexandra will live happily ever after.