Gas station 911

My dear friend Phoebe, and I were in her car with her beautiful daughter.  Phoebe pulled into the gas station, got out of the car and began filling the gas tank.  Her little beauty began calling to her, Phoebe stepped under the hose toward the car, slipped and fell.  Moments later we were in the emergency room. When the x-rays came back I couldn't believe it Phoebe actually broke her leg!  Her parents and sister came to the emergency room and we began joking with her because she is the only person that breaks a limb pumping gas.  Phoebe's parents took her daughter home, her sister and I stayed with her.  The doctor ordered medication to ease the pain, most times Phoebe takes medication the side effect is extreme delirium.  The medication finally kicked in and as predicted Phoebe's behavior became animated.  She was laying on the table while the nurse tried to put the splint on her leg.  Phoebe kept wiggling and moving around so much I was surprised they didn't tie her down.  During that time the doctor (a Indian man) came in to check on her, Phoebe looked up at him and said, 'Hello doctor bang-la bang-la Bangladesh!'  I, along with the nurse, and Phoebe's sister began laughing.   The doctor smiled and said, 'I see the drugs we gave you are working.'  He then left the room.  The poor nurse struggled with Phoebe and the splint for so long that Phoebe's sister and I had to step in to try to hold Phoebe still.  At one point, the nurse asked Phoebe to turn, and faster than any of us could stop her Phoebe turned her whole body over and was laying on her stomach with her face in the pillow.  After a bit of pleading we were able to get her to turn back over.  When she sat up we saw her eye make-up was smeared all over her face, we looked at the pillow and saw there was not one single smudge of make-up.  We looked at each other amazed yet entertained.  The room Phoebe was in was actually a very large area with only various curtains pulled across for privacy.  It was easy to see into most of the other rooms.  Every time poor doctor 'Bangladesh' walked into Phoebe's line of vision she began loudly mimicking Indian music - singing 'gling ga gling ga gling, binga binga binga bing, aahhhhaaahhaaa'  her sister and I tried to stop her as quickly as we could but we are sure he and many other people heard her.  The nurse had to stop working a few times because she was laughing so hard.  Phoebe finally had the splint on her leg and the drugs were wearing off, leaving her in a daze.  The doctor came back in and happily said, 'Hello Phoebe, it's doctor Bangladesh.'  We began laughing, puzzled Phoebe looked at us and said, 'What? I don't get it.'  As we informed her about her antics she grew more and more red from embarrassment.  She began apologizing to the good humored doctor.  Luckily he was very nice, laughed and said, 'No worries, Phoebe your singing reminds me of home.'  I think Phoebe turning purple with embarrassment was satisfaction enough for our cool Doctor bang-la bang-la Bangladesh.  

Silly shar shar song

My dear friend Phoebe and I took my young niece to the dentist so she can have braces put on, my niece was understandably nervous, however Phoebe and I managed to keep her calm.   After the braces were on my niece was upset because her speech was slightly slurred.   Majority of her words sounded like she was saying, 'Shar shar shar shar.' She was worried about what her peers would say once they heard her, and was almost in tears.   Phoebe and I told her she was going to make 'Shar' the hot new word everyone is going to start using. We told her she was going to start an awesome new trend! She giggled and smiled a little.   Phoebe and I even went so far as to make up a song to make her laugh.
(this is our little song)
Shar shar shar shar,
Yo momma don't wear no socks,
I saw her when she took them off
She threw them on the fence,
I haven't seen the neighbors since!
Shar shar shar shar
Your momma don't wear no socks,
I saw her when she took them off,
She threw them in the sky,
Now the birds refuse to fly!
Shar shar shar shar
Yo momma don't wear no socks,
I saw her when she took them off,
She threw them on the bed,
Oh my gosh - my teddy bear is dead!
Shar shar shar shar
I know our song isn't going to make it to the top of any music charts, but I was thankful my niece was smiling and laughing throughout the entire song.   By the time we dropped her off at home she was just fine.    

Fool-ash goulash

My buddy Johnny knows exactly what to say and do to push my buttons.  Very often we enjoy giving each other a hard time, luckily both of us know how to take humorous criticism just as easily as we know how to dish-it-out.  He knows I adore my cell phone, the fact that the screen on my phone is larger than the cell phone of most, and the color is quite vivid - it is just an all around great phone!  I never miss an opportunity to remind him that my phone is brand new and ahead of its time and he may as well use two cans connected with a string.  Johnny invited me to his house for dinner, his family was there including his Fiance Monica, and our mutual friend Lexi.  His Mom makes delicious chicken soup, we all were happy to see that is what she made.  We all sat at the table enjoying our meal.  Johnny asked if he could look at my phone, without hesitation I handed him my prized possession.  He briefly looked at it then said, 'Would you like to see my new phone?  I just picked it up today.'  Immediately, I knew I was in trouble.  Beaming with pride and a big smile on his face, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his new phone.  I have to admit, it was beautiful!  The screen was larger than my screen, the color was brilliant and seemed to make my color look abysmal at best.  The internet was super fast and it was all around a superior phone.  I discreetly reached out, picked up my phone, and tried to put it back into my pocket.  Johnny immediately stopped me and said, 'Oh no! Don't put your phone away now! Leave it out!'  Everyone at the table began laughing, there was nothing I could do other than maintain my composure and hope my ego didn't get too hurt while Johnny proceeded to belittle my poor phone.  He held them up side by side pointing out all the ways his phone trumped my phone.  I really had to focus to keep my 'I don't care' poker-face.  Johnny even began singing a song about the two phones while making them do a little dance together.  Then, to my delight, the heavens opened, and Johnny accidentally dropped his awesome new cell phone directly into his large bowl of steaming hot chicken soup!  PLUNK!  Everyone at the table let out a collective gasp!  I quickly picked up my phone, taking it out of harms brothy way.  Johnny frantically tried to remove his phone from the moat of chicken soup.  I began laughing uncontrollably.  It was my pleasure to watch him utter profanities as he fumbled with the phone and accidentally drop it right back into the bowl.  Needless to say the phone turned off and would not turn back on.  I looked at him and said, 'Would you like me to give you a ride to Verizon tomorrow?'  He glared at me.  Lexi asked him if he had insurance and a warranty on his phone.  I began asking him what package he had, was it the Pollo Loco Package? The Souper Soup Special?  The 4G Poultry?  Everyone laughed, luckily he has a great sense of humor and laughed as well.  I just couldn't resist.  The rest of the evening, about every 45 minutes or so I kept asking him, 'Hey, can I borrow your phone? OOOH, that's right.'  I also occasionally sang, 'Chicken chicken cluck cluck, chicken chicken cluck cluck.'  I also repeatedly looked at him and said, 'Can you hear me now? BAGAWK!'  My impression of a chicken is not top notch but definitely served it's purpose!

Who's afraid of the big bad Buttons?

When I was very young my loving Daddy took my sister and I to see Ringling Brothers Circus.  It was a lot of fun!  We saw lions, tigers, and bears performing very cool tricks.  Tight rope walkers, contortionists, trapeze artists, and much more.  I was having a very good time, I heard the Ringmaster say, "Bring out the clowns!"  I along with everyone else in the Big Top began clapping with excitement.  However as soon as I took one look at the clowns my excitement quickly disappeared and tremendous fear took its place.  I watched these hideous creatures emerge from the back curtain.  Many dressed like vagabonds, wearing ridiculous over sized shoes, pale white faces, & rings of blood around their mouths.  They approached, making their way up and into the crowd.  At first I sat there eyes wide and frozen with fear, until two of them got a little too close.  In the blink of an eye I was perched up on top of my Daddy's shoulders, holding onto his neck, digging my nails in, screaming for dear life.  My younger sister sat calmly looking up at me as if I were absolutely insane.  I remember the clowns in our section looked very surprised, and my Daddy holding his hand up halting them from getting any closer.  Obviously I had no idea I was exceedingly afraid of clowns.  Still, to this day I make 100% sure to stay far far away from them.  For years following our ONE trip to the circus my loving Daddy having the awesome sense of humor that he has, found it quite comical to loudly ask if Ronald can come to the window every time we went through the McDonald's drive-thru.  I tensed up every time and he laughed as we drove away.   

Reason #216 I don't talk to my coworkers

Except for a select few, I pretty much keep to myself while at work.  Other than a smile and simple 'Hello' in passing I do not typically reach out to people for conversation.  My friends tell me I should give people a chance and try initiating conversation.  One day, while in the cafeteria, a woman I've seen a few times sat next to me.  She was reading an article in a magazine about the movie Snakes On a Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson.  Recalling my friends suggestion, I thought I'd give it a shot - (this is the conversation that followed)

Me:  Have you seen that movie?
Coworker:  What movie?
Me:  Snakes On A Plane.
Coworker:  No, I don't think I've ever even heard of it.  What is it about?
Me:  You mean aside from the obvious? Snakes on a plane.
Coworker:  No, I said I didn't see it. What is it about?
Me:  Umm, snakes on a plane.  You will probably get just as much information from the article you are reading and not have to sit through the movie. 
Coworker:  What article?
Me:  (pause) The one right there in front of you - that you are reading.
Coworker:  Is that what this is about?  I wondered what this was.
Me:  (sigh) Well, my break is over.  Good luck.

I should have known better.  I made a mental note to think twice before following some of the advice I get from my friends.  As I walked away I wondered how many of my brain cells just commit suicide.

Nine-to-five sex machine

Many workplaces prohibit the use of cellular phones.  They typically require the employees turn off the devices.  However most of the employees prefer to silence their phones.  I've learned there is a difference between silencing the ringer and media volumes.  Before I learned this valuable lesson, in one of my previous workplaces I simply silenced the ringer, leaving the media volume at it's highest level.  I use my Pandora app on a daily basis and have it on my home screen.  I had my phone in my pocket and one of my old supervisors came to my desk and asked me to come with him to another associates desk.  While we walked down the quiet corridor I put my hand in my pocket and accidentally enabled Pandora.  It was set on one of my favorite stations - The Godfather of Soul James Brown.  As we walked down the quiet corridor, to my dismay and quite loudly 'Sex Machine' began playing.  The surprised supervisor looked at me, I quickly took my phone out of my pocket and fumbled trying to turn it off.  The supervisor giggled while watching me trying to stifle the inappropriate golden oldie.  After I turned it off, I looked at him and said, 'Do you still want me to give that seminar about appropriate conduct in the workplace?'  The supervisor began laughing and shaking his head. 

Doped up Mamma

My best friend Lani's mother Thia had same day surgery, after the surgery we took her home to rest.  The side effects of the anesthesia were still very strong making her say off-the-wall things to us.  Thia was resting nicely in her bed while Lani and I watched TV.  She called out to Lani, we both went into her bedroom.  Frustrated and an a daze, she looked at Lani and said, "Why do you have that goat tied up on a rope in the backyard? You have to put it on a chain, you know it's just going to chew through the rope.'  She then immediately fell back asleep.  We both began laughing at her delirium, of course there was no goat anywhere to be found.  Our laughter woke her up again, this time she sat up and said, 'What the heck are you doing with a goat anyways?  But I am glad you named it Shakira.'  She laid back onto her pillows and again was sound asleep.  Lani and I left her bedroom giggling, both commenting on how we are very excited to tease her about this for a long time.

Whippersnapper gourmet

I asked my nieces and nephews to tell me their favorite foods and how to prepare them, this is what they said:

Banana Pudding
get yellow pudding
add vanilla cookies
cut up bananas
put them in there
put it in refrigerator
after dinner - its done 

Pizza 
get it out of the freezer
take it out of the package
cook it in the oven on 30 degrees for about 4 minutes
eat it  

Mashed Potatoes
peel potatoes
put in bowl
use the thing that makes it twirl around
cook it on the stove for 4 minutes    

Barbeque Chicken
put barbeque sauce on chicken
put chicken in the oven on 6 degrees for 5 minutes
then you eat it. 

Macaroni and Pork Chops
put cheese in pot and make macaroni
put the white sugar stuff on something flat
add pork chops
put in a super hot oven for 10 minutes
then eat it  

Hamburger Helper
put hamburger helper in pot
cook for 2 minutes
then eat it  

Homemade Cookies
buy cookie dough
mush it in a circle
put it in oven for 65 minutes
the oven has to be really really hot
then eat it. 

White Rice
get the rice
you need 1/3 cup of water
put the water in a pot
put 2 cups of rice in the pot
put the pot on the stove
stir it in five minutes
put butter in it
and its done.

Coconut Shrimp
get 6 shrimp
put the little pieces of shrimp in a little bowl
3 coconuts sliced in little pieces
mix the coconut and the shrimp together   
cook in a bowl in the refrigerator for 10 minutes
it tastes totally yummy and you can eat it every day!

Sweet potato fries
(this is a secret recipe so don't tell anyone, you have to write it down)
you need rice
real french fries
sugar
you need really really really sweet, sweet potatoes
you put it in a hot pot
then put it in a little pot
you need to mix it
need to put fruit in it
bananas, cucumbers, and mango
cook it for 2 minutes half

I hope you enjoy some of their favorites.

Shower shimmy slip and slide

I have always felt a bit awkward when showering away from home.  I spent the night at my friend Phoebe's house, the next morning I awoke before Phoebe and her young beautiful daughter and decided to take my shower.  I quietly gathered up my shower necessities and made my way to the bathroom.  I turned on the shower, after a moment of trial and error finally set the water to the perfect temperature.  Stepping into the shower I noticed their tub did not have a mat nor did they have any of the little no slip stickies many people use as a safety precaution.  As soon as I stepped into the tub I noticed it was extremely slippery.  I made sure to step very carefully while showering.  I washed my body and shampooed my hair, as I turned my back to the streaming water I slipped and began to fall.  Of course I didn't fall like a normal person.  I inadvertently let out a loud scream, & desperately tried to regain my footing.  Instead, I briefly became the worlds greatest dancer, I ended up doing the running man, percolator, butterfly, and moonwalk.  As I began my descend I managed to bring down with me every single loofa, all bottles of shower soap, shampoo, and conditioner.  Before I knew it I went from standing, to dancing, to sitting positions.  I found myself sitting in a few inches of water, with various skin and hair care bottles floating all around me and a mountain of shampoo bubbles on top of my head.  I very slowly and carefully got back up, rinsed my hair, turned off the water, stepped out of the shower, and did my best to restore Phoebe's shower back to it's normal condition.  Phoebe's bedroom is the first door you approach after leaving the bathroom.  I emerged from the dangerous water closet and noticed Phoebe and her daughter awake and laying in her bed talking.  I stepped into her bedroom and said, "Did the soothing sounds of my shower turned disaster area wake you two up?'  Pheobe looked at me puzzled and said, 'What happened?'  I said, 'Are you serious?  You didn't hear that?  I screamed and fell - loudly.'  Phoebe said, 'Oh my gosh, I didn't hear anything, are you ok?'  Her young beauty said, 'Mommy, I woke you up and said, I think Kimolie fell in the shower.'  Surprised Phoebe said, 'You did?'  Her daughter said, 'Yes and you said, she will be alright, and fell back asleep!'  I started laughing, looked at Phoebe and said, 'Geez, thanks a lot!'  Phoebe turned bright red and began laughing and apologizing.  I had no choice but to take away Phoebe's lifeguard merit badge.