GO BLOW YOURSELF

This work is dedicated to my best friend Melani Granda and her mother Cynthia Terzick two wonderfully loving women.

“GO BLOW YOURSELF”
By Kimberly D. Garrett
Second City Training Center Chicago 
04/23/2013 (Version #4)

CAST
Rakell – 30's
Erik – 30's
Waitress – 20's

Rakell & Erik are set up on a blind date, &
meet for the first time at local sports bar.

 

(Erik approaches, Rakell is already seated)

ERIK

Rakell?

RAKELL

Yes, hi, Erik?

ERIK

Yep, it's nice to meet you.

RAKELL

Thank you, it's nice to meet you too. Have a seat.

(The waitress approaches)

WAITRESS

Hello there, my name is Jasmine can I start you two off with some drinks?

ERIK

Yeah, cool,  let me get a Bacardi 151

WAITRESS

Well, we usually use that as a base.  What would you like that with?

ERIK

Ice, oh and make it a double.

WAITRESS

Ooook

RAKELL

I'd like a Margarita please.

WAITRESS

No problem, I'll be right back with your drinks.

ERIK

You don't drink a lot do you?

RAKELL

No I typically drink socially.

ERIK

OK cool. So what do you do?

RAKELL

I am a Polysomnographer.

ERIK

Say what girl? What is that?

RAKELL

I read brain waves, heart rhythms, and respiratory patterns looking for abnormalities.

ERIK

Dang girl, you must be smart huh?

RAKELL

I like to think so, I really enjoy it. So how do you like working at Costco with my BFF Sadie?

ERIK

It's cool, it's cool, I've worked there for 10 years. Sadie is cool as hell, we just be cracking jokes all day.

RAKELL

Oh yeah, I love her. 10 years, wow, are you like the store manager?

(Waitress returns with drink order,
 & not impressed when overhears court
situation while putting drinks on table)

ERIK

Nah, I'm a cashier, but right now I'm suspend... I'm on a leave of absence because I have a few court cases going on and I have to miss a lot of days.

WAITRESS

(Sympathetically puts hand on Rakell's shoulder)

Let me know if you need anything.

RAKELL

(Looks up at waitress smiles and nods)
What are your pending court cases? Is it like speeding or parking tickets, or some type of traffic violation?

ERIK

Nah, one is for drug possession, but I think Imma be good because I didn't even have any drugs. They raided my boy's house and he is the one that had the drugs. I was just sitting there. And my other case is for carrying a concealed weapon but I'm fighting that one too man, because, I even told, that cop I had a knife.

RAKELL

(Turns to call waitress)

Jasmine! Well, I hope everything works out in your favor.

(Waitress approaches)

Waitress

Hi, are you OK? I mean what can I get for you?  The check maybe?

 

RAKELL

Yes! Please, I need a shot.

ERIK

Hey, let me get another Bacardi 151 double.

WAITRESS

(Pauses & looks at Erik as if
he is crazy, then walks away)

Sure thing, I'll be right back.

ERIK

Are you sure you don't drink a lot?

RAKELL

Yes, I'm sure. Is there a problem?

ERIK

No, no, it's cool. Do you live around here?

RAKELL

Yes my apartment is only about 20 minutes away from here.

ERIK

Do you have roommates or kids?
 

RAKELL 

I live alone, and no kids, not yet anyway. I'd like to get married first. I'd like to look into buying a house in a few years. How about you, any roommates or kids?

ERIK

I live with my Moms and she cooks and cleans and everything, so it's like I have a roommate and a maid – it's cool as hell! As far as the shorties, none that I'm claimin' – you know what I'm saying. So how many guys have you slept with?

  

RAKELL

Excuse me!?

 

(Waitress returns with drink order, puts
drinks on table, hears question, accidentally
intentionally spills his drink on him)  

ERIK

HEY! Watch it, ugh, this ain't cool!

WAITRESS

Woopsie, I'm sorry about that. Let me go get something to clean that up with.

(Happily walks away)

ERIK

Be cool girl, I'm just trying to get to know you.                                                                                               RAKELL

(Begins fidgeting with her cell phone)

Well there are some things you just don't ask a lady. Especially not on the first date.

ERIK

My bad girl. I see you got your phone out, let me give you my number. I'm on minutes so you can call me weekdays after 9PM and all day on weekends and holidays. Oh, & if you call and a female answers hang up. That's my ex, we aint together anymore but we just kick it a lot.

RAKELL

(Turns to call waitress)

Wow.    Jasm...

WAITRESS

(Is right there before Rakell can say her full name)

Here is your check.

RAKELL

(Relieved)
Thank you.   Well its getting late, and I have to get up pretty early in the morning so I better call it a night.

ERIK

OK cool, you want me to go with you?

RAKELL

NO! It's just that I'm tired and I have work.

ERIK

It's cool. Hey, I need you to do me a favor before we go.

RAKELL

(annoyed)
What is it?

ERIK

The judge had them put this thing in my car, it aint no big deal, and you have to blow in it to start it, and I need you to just come on out and blow into it real quick for me.

RAKELL

(upset)
Are you kidding me? Is that why you were all weird about my drinking?

ERIK

Cool out girl, don't be like that. It's the least you could do. Hey, if you aint going to blow me one way, you can at least blow me in another way.

RAKELL

(furious)
Go blow yourself!

(Quickly leaves the table)

(Waitress returns to start clearing table)

ERIK

(Leans in seductively)
Hey what's up girl? Do you drink a lot?

(BLACKOUT)