The stench of embarrassment

If anyone out there is interested in trying to embarrass me, please rest assured I have that department under control all on my own.  Seriously, no one can embarrass me like I can.  I pulled into my apartment complex, parked my car, then felt the strong urge to pass gas.  As I got out of my car I noticed a family unloading groceries right next to me, so I held it in.  Keys in hand, I hurried to the building and quickly entered.  As soon a I entered the building I began ascending the steps leading up to my floor.  Happy to be alone, I began to relax and release,
STEP PFFT - STEP PFFT - STEP PFFT - STEP PFFT - STEP PFFT - STEP PFFT - STEP PFFT - STEP PFFT. 
Once I reached the top of that particular set of stairs I happened to turn and look up towards the next set.  I saw a young man sitting on the steps looking at me wild-eyed in disbelief.  Immediately I felt my face heat up with embarrassment.  I looked at him, smiled, and sweetly said, 'You're excused."  then I hurried down the hall to the safety of my sweet smelling apartment, far away from the stink of stairway embarrassment. 

Tip your waitress

Yesterday I went to Kohl's, I noticed a lot of people waiting to pay for their purchases.  As I walked towards the shopping carts, one of the Kohl's associates was also walking to that area.  We both stopped to allow passage, the associate said, 'Do you need a cart?'  I said, 'Yes, please.' She pulled out two carts and said, 'Would you like this one, or this one?', pushing them both forward.  One was a standard type cart, the other had a baby seat in the front.  (I'm not sure if I just happened to have everyones attention or if I was talking too loudly)  Jokingly, I said, 'Well, since I left the baby in the car, I'll take the regular one.'  The next thing I knew everyone in the immediate area was laughing their heads off.  The associate was doubled over the cart laughing hysterically.  Still laughing, the associate gave me the cart and said, 'Did you crack the windows?'  I looked at her with a very serious face and said, 'DUH!' The shoppers continued giggling, the associate kept laughing and said, 'And you glued a bottle to its hand, so it's no problem.'  I smiled and nodded.  As I turned to walk away, I stopped, turned back to the giggling associate and smiling shoppers.  Maintaining a straight face, I asked 'Babies like Gin right?' That last comment was all it took to send all of them back into hysterics.  Right before I walked away, I said, 'Tip your waitress!' 
You never know what private battles people are dealing with. Any one of those people could have been having a horrible day or past few days, and that may have been their only laugh. 
Feeling triumphant, I walked away with a smile.