Bernie's Narration

One night Bernie and I were in the mood for a scary movie.  Browsing through our Netflix instant view options we decided to watch an old 80's scary movie.  We finally picked a movie, I think the out dated graphics, lots of bad acting, and even worse wardrobe choices made our selection more comical than scary.  We enjoyed pointing out the numerous editing faux pas and shadows of the camera, at one point we found ourselves watching the female lead in the typical running through the woods screaming for help scene - you guessed it - she falls, slowly gets back up and runs right into the arms of the 'bad guy' he was a very inbred and low budget version of Jason Voorhees.  He picked her up and held her against a tree, to my delight Bernie decided to narrate

Bernie: Please don't kill me, please don't kill me

the villain rips her shirt (of course) and begins undoing his pants

Bernie: OH NO! KILL ME KILL ME!!!  

I laughed so hard I the rest of the movie was a blur.

Us?   Desensitized?   That's a bunch of Poppycock!

DMV Debacle

I once took one of my nephews to the DMV with me.  While we were standing at the counter waiting for the lady to locate my information in the system, my ever observant nephew tapped my arm and said (loud enough for ALL to hear), 'Titi, she looks like the lady from that show that has the drinking problem.'  I could feel my face heating up with embarrassment.  I looked at the lady to see her looking at my cute little nephew with disapproval.  I gently pulled him closer to, and behind me and politely said, 'I make my check out to Secretary of State right?'

Laundry Etiquette

Once again it is laundry time, and there are so many big big decisions that must be made. 

Are my clothes delicate?  I mean, I don't think they offend easily but I never really took the time to ask. 

How much does it really matter if I don't separate them?  I do vaguely recall one time I saw my shirts eye-balling my socks with this snob like superiority.

Would I rather smell like a Mountain Spring or a Clean Breeze?

Hmm, I better call someone for help with this one.

Can't we all just get along?

East Coast vs West Coast, Bloods vs Crips, Vampires vs Warewolves, ALL pale in comparison to the increasingly hostile environment and bad vibes between my pillow and the alarm clock.

I am just going to stay out of it.

False Alarm

Someone, I am not going to say who, simply SOMEONE woke up this morning, looked at the clock, then jumped out of bed in a panic scrambling around thinking 'OMG I'm late for work!' Whipped off my pajamas, grabbed the towel, and shower cap, hurried into the bathroom.  While reaching into the shower for the handle, realized today is SATURDAY.  A feeling of relief swooped in to save the day.  At that point all I could do was try to decide if I should go ahead and take my shower now or go back to bed? 
Rarely do you feel relief and stupidity simultaneously. 

Caffeinated Conditioner

I absolutely love scaring people, especially my family members.  One day I noticed my Mom finishing her morning cup of coffee, I know she always asks someone take her cup to the kitchen.  My nephew (7 years old) and I were the only ones around her at that moment. I saw the opportunity to scare him and could not pass it up.  I casually walked into the kitchen then crouched down in front of the sink right by the kitchen doorway.  It took a moment but sure enough, my Mom asked my nephew to please take her cup into the kitchen.  There I was crouched down, quivering trying to contain laughter, this is going to be SO GOOD! Here he comes, not a care in the world, being a good little boy, and I jump out - RAAAAH! He almost jumped through the roof and somehow managed to dump the remaining contents of the coffee cup right over his head!  After seeing that I almost had to run to the bathroom to avoid peeing my pants.  My nephew stood there 1/2 crying 1/2 laughing, my Moms giggling made her compassion for my coffee drenched nephew less than believable.  For the record I did clean up the mess for him and help him into the shower.  I am so nice!

Negativity = Zero college credits

It was the first day of the semester for my night college level English 202 class.  As I walked up to the classroom I noticed about 4 people standing in front of the door, 1 guy sitting on the floor reading, and 2 more people walking up right behind me.  It quickly became obvious the door was locked.  Three of my fellow classmates began complaining, 'Where is the teacher?'  'How long are we supposed to wait for this guy?'  'I hope he doesn't expect us to be on time if he cant even show up on time'  'This class is going to suck'  Two more students joined in on the negativity, the rest of us remained silent. A few minutes later a janitor came up and unlocked the door for us.  We all filed in and took our seats, of course I being the nerd that I am had to take a front row seat.  I watched the guy previously sitting on the floor reading, walk up to the front of the class, put his bag on the teachers desk and start taking out folders.  I wondered 'What is this kid doing?'  He then walked up to the podium and began taking attendance.  I looked back at the shocked trash talkers and enjoyed the looks of horror on their faces.  I smiled, turned back around, and thought to myself, 'Yeah, you're going to fail.'

Playtime with Coconut

My BFF Lani is very smart, witty, funny, and very very sarcastic.  Her 3 amazingly beautiful kids all share her awesome personality.  One day Lani told her 6 year old son (I call him my Coconut) to go outside and play.  He said he wanted to stay inside and play the Wii.  Lani refused and said 'No, you go outside and get some fresh air, get some exercise, play and have fun.  When we were kids all we wanted to do was go outside and play with our friends, so go play and have fun.'  He sighed and went outside, very shortly afterwards he came back in and said, 'Mom, umm, someone just tried to kidnap me, yeah so umm, can I just play my video games?' I couldn't help it, I started laughing, I had to high five the kid and give him a 9 for creativity but a 3 on performance. 

Insidious Ridiculousness

One cool summer night Josie, Bernie, and I popped in a scary movie.  This movie was actually pretty good, it had been quite some time since a movie had me so on edge.  Bernie was washing a load of laundry, we heard the buzzer, we were all terrifed, so that meant we all were going with her to the basement.  On the way down Bernie grabbed a hammer looked at us and said, 'just in case' - I laughed,

Josie:  You cant kill a ghost with a hammer
Bernie: Well I'm going to try
Josie:  No, you have to use rock salt
Kimolie:  I think we need a Proton Pack
Josie:  No, rock salt will kill a ghost. I watch Super Natural - I know this stuff.

Enlightened we all proceeded back upstairs to finish up our movie,  Since it was such a nice cool night we eagerly turned off the air conditioning and opened all the windows.  At one point I wanted to get up and grab something from the kitchen, while on my way the movie started to get scarier so I stopped to watch, in this part of the movie the main character was by a window, it just happend, so was I.  As I stood complely engulfed by the movie, a breeze came through our window moving the curtain out just enough to touch my arm.  I screamed and covered my face.  Of course this scared the heck out of my poor Josie and Bernie, their shock quickly turned into laughter as they paused the movie to take time to point out the fact that I would rather scream and cover my face instead of run.

Why are fight or flight the only two options? 
It should be fight, flight, or stand there and pee on yourself.

Pee Dance Evolution

I love our house, it has 3 functioning bathrooms, of course all four of us feel the need to only use 1 bathroom.  When I get home from work of course I had to 'go' however Bernie beat me to it.  Going downstairs was just too easy. I would much rather torture my bladder and wait.  Very quickly after making this decision I started feeling a little anxious,  the Pee Dance usually buys me a few more minutes.  My dance started with a easy little tap, then moving from foot to foot, next I found myself doing the electric slide, however that quickly turned into Riverdance, by the time Bernie finally emerged from the Precious Porcelain Pot I was an impressive impression of Jennifer Beals from Flashdance - Maaaniac Maaaaaaniac

All Knight Long

As a fun family trip we went to Medieval Times.  You are seated in sections, each section belongs to a certain knight. We had front row seating for Red Knight - YES!  My family is normally pretty loud so Red Knight was sure to win.  Needless to say we cheered for our beloved Red Knight like there was no tomorrow.  We wanted all the other knights to know - Red Knight = ROCK STAR! Your top priority and entire job is to cheer, cheer, & cheer some more for your specific knight - hopefully on to victory.  Its ALL about the Knights!  After it is all over you can talk to, and take pictures with your knight.  Best friend Lexi joined us this time and stopped at the gift shop, we waited for her for what seemed like a long time.  We quietly joked regarding what the gift shop sells that could possibly take so long to wrap up for her.  She walked back up to our group and I said, "Finally, what the heck did you buy the 'ALL' night?"

XSM Onesie

On one of our normal trips to Walmart my best friend Lani and I saw a man wearing a shirt that was so tight, it looked like it should have three little snaps in the crotch.   Who knew onesies came in extra smedium?

Ukulele Hero

One morning my best firiend Lexi and I were on our way to work, while sitting at a stop light, we noticed people in other cars being mean, pointing and laughing, we then looked over and saw a man standing on the corner feverishly playing a ukulele. He was really really going at it, giving 100% of his heart and soul.  I just thought to myself, 'They better be nice, because when Wii finally releases Ukulele Hero this guy is going to be AWESOME! Then we will see who has the last laugh!'

Good Parenting

One night my oldest nephew was not behaving and continuously waking up my Dad.  After a few warnings he woke him up again.  I told him it was time to go to bed. I know this is not the best parenting in the world but I wanted to pay him back, so I popped in the Jeepers Creepers DVD (this will teach him!)  We both watched the entire move from beginning to end and he didn't flinch once.  We were still both wide awake, feeling a little defeated, I selected the movie Beetlejuice.  Not very long into the movie my fearless nephew starts whimpering and whining because he was scared.  I couldn't believe it!  I said, 'You cant be scared of this, look, this is Batman!' he stood his ground.  Baffled, I turned it off and thought to myself 'this kid is a little special, so he is definitely in the right family.' While putting the movie away I noticed the movie Cujo and said, 'Hey, would you like to watch a movie about a puppy?'

Dancing Machine

Its no secret that my friends and I love to play all kinds of games, board and Wii.  We particularly enjoy the game Just Dance.  We are pretty darn good (if I do say so myself) Bernadette aka Bernie usually wins, however very recently Lexi has been the reigning champion.  This is not because of her stellar dance moves but because she does not stay in her spot.  While flailing, gyrating, and dancing her little heart out - she does not, I repeat, does not stay in her area, making it difficult for the rest of us to get maximum points.  Mostly because we are worried for our very lives.  Don't Just Dance with Lexi because she boxes you out like we are playing NBA Live 2011.

America's Dumbest Criminal

One winter when I was younger, and very shortly after passing my drivers license test, a few friends (including my Best Friend Lexi) and I drove to Louis Joliet Mall (now named Westerfield Mall).  The plows created very tall and wide snow drifts.  We, being very young, inexperienced, and less than intelligent at that moment somehow decided to chase each other all around the mountains of snow and parking lot - IN SEPARATE CARS.  I know, I know, shame shame shame, anways, I ended up crashing head on right into another car, right into their drivers side front door. Shocked we all got out of our cars and assessed the damage.  Realizing there was no damage to my car, after a quick pow wow with my friends, I made the (poor) decision to leave the scene. I decided I better call it a night and went straight home.  Not long after I was home the doorbell rang, I peeked out the window and saw it was Joliet's finest (a police car).  Since it was pretty late and the doorbell at that hour was unusual my Father came downstairs as well.  I was frozen with fear, he looked out the window, then at me, since I have NO poker face he immediately saw the look of horror on my face, and he said 'Is this for you?'  All I could do was stare at him open mouthed.  He opened the door and stepped out to talk to the officer.  He came back in and told me to get dressed quickly and go with the officer. He drove us back to the mall where there was another officer and the poor scared little mall worker.  The waiting officer asked me a few questions, whispered to officer chauffeur, then told me I was free to go.  With great relief I thanked them both.  He said 'Hey do you want to know how we found you?' I nervously said, 'Umm, sure.' He then smiled and handed me through the window the front license plate to my car.  Both officers proceeded to laugh hysterically and I could feel my face heating up more and more.

Crambone

I noticed I missed a call from my middle brother.  At the time he had an expectant wife ready to deliver at any moment.  I called him back twice and he didn't pick up either time.  As a result my excitement was growing with every passing minute.  After what seemed like an eternity, he called again.  I quickly answered the phone and said, 'Hey hey, what exciting news do you have for me!?!'  He then proceeded to tell me which old family favorite episode of Tom and Jerry he and my niece saw earlier that day.

Alert

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT - take a laxative after you have already taken a sleeping pill before you go to bed.

Judgement call?

Is it inappropriate for a referee to say 'NO LOW BLOWS' at a midget boxing match?

Score: Sisters 1 - Brothers ZERO

There are few things in this world that bring me as much joy as the joy I feel while taunting and teasing my older brother.  He has this very large jar of loose change.  We took the jar to the bank hoping they would dump it into the machine and cash it out.  The bank was not willing to do this for us, instead they handed him a large handful of empty coin rolls so we could roll them ourselves.  I'm not sure if we were supposed to drop all of our classes and quit our jobs so we can roll all of his coins, but that, apparently, was none of the banks concern. From the bank we went on a little road trip, luckily I saw a sign advising we were coming close to a toll.  My brother, took a few precious seconds away from his less than American Idol ready singing along with the radio to hand me the jar, and told me to get seventy cents ready for  the toll.  I quickly noticed he was really really into the song and not really paying me much attention.  I proceeded to count one dime, two nickels, and FIFTY pennies.  It was really a bonus when I noticed he was pulling into a booth that had an actual person in it - SCORE!  He still has yet to look over at me, my brother pulls up to the booth, greets the lady, while doing so he holds his hand out in front of me for the money.  I proceed to (with a great feeling of pride and accomplishment) drop all of the coins into his hand, my brother looks over in shock and said, 'What are you doing!?!' I start laughing and say 'Give it to her, give it to her!' My brother puts his head down and sticks his hand out the window and in front of the lady, she says, 'What is that!?!' My brother said, 'Its money, take it!' The lady took the abundance of currency from him with a very agitated look on her face, my brother is glaring at me, and at this point I am laughing hysterically.

Mind Blowing Souvenir

I will go ahead and admit that I am a bit naive when it comes to certain things.  It is normal for people to ask you to bring them back little things when you go on trips. Once on a trip, someone asked me to bring them back a 'one-hitter' I had no idea what this was, but how hard could it really be?  While on said trip I asked a friend of mine to run with me to Wal-Mart, he was nice enough to oblige.  Since I didnt know exactly what I was looking for I decided I better go straight to customer service to prevent us from having to walk all around the store somewhat blindly.  While waiting in line my friend asked me why we were in line, I told him I need something and I dont know where it's located.  He said, "I know this store, what do you need?"  I said, "I need something called a 'one-hitter'" His eyes almost popped out of his head and he asked me to repeat what I said, I did and he pulled me to the side and proceeded to laugh his head off. Between tears, he asked me if I knew what that was.  I said "No" (with growning frustration), my ultra supportive amigo (while laughing hysterically) advised we leave. 

Driod X Mutiny

I have had my cell phone for nine months now, and I love it! I really enjoy the way it auto corrects and trys to guess the next word I will use while I text or type in general.  I noticed it actually figured out a pattern regarding what I typically type, and now suggests those words.  Wow!  However, lately it hasnt been quite as 'on point' as usual.  I was typing "Hello, my name is Kim..." & when it came time to type my name my super smart phone suggested I insert GUYBLOW - Umm, whaaat? Then a day or two later I was typing the word 'cute' and my awesome phone suggested ACHOO.  Im starting to wonder if my phone has declared war on its Mommy, or maybe, just maybe, Verizon uses the term 'Smart' phone - a bit loosely.